This is my first MiSTing, so, please, be gentle...

In the not-too-distant future,
Somewhere in time and space,
Mike Nelson and his robot pals
Are caught in an awful place.

They try to survive the wrath of Pearl,
Just an evil gal who wants to rule the world.
From her castle below, she sets her sights above
Just to torture all the captives on the Satellite of Love.
(Get! Me! Down!)

"I'll send him cheesy movies.
The worst I can find!" (La-la-la!)
"He'll have to sit and watch them all
And I'll monitor his mind!" (La-la-la!)

Now keep in mind Mike can't control
Where the movies begin or end. (La-la-la!)
He'll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his robot friends.

Robot roll call!
Cambot! (You're on!)
Gypsy! (Oh, my stars!)
Tom Servo! (Check me out!)
Croooooooooooow! (I'm different!)

Now if you're wondering how he eats and breathes
And other science facts (La-la-la!),
Repeat to yourself "It's just a show,
I should really just relax
For Mystery Science Theater 3000!"

[1...2...3...4...5...6]

[Satellite of Love]

[Mike sits at his PC, typing frantically, muttering to himself. Tom and Crow enter.]

CROW: Hey, Mike, 'sup?

[The Bots lean in to examine the screen.]

TOM: Oh, Mike, not alt.tv.xena again! You know how upset that gets you!
CROW: It's Kimber again, isn't it?

[Mike makes strangled noises and gets manic look in his eyes.]
TOM: Crow, we agreed never to speak her name again. We're only allowed to say "The Evil One"
(Registered Trademark).
CROW: Oops, sorry!

[Mike finishes typing.]

MIKE: There! Twelve down, sixteen to go! Next response!
TOM: Ooooooh no, Mike! I've think you've had enough.
CROW: C'mon, Mike, step away from the keyboard. We're your friends, trust us.

[Mike begins to sputter.]

MIKE: But... but... I have to answer. She says I'm lying about being trapped in space! She
says it's because I'm gutless! [Shatner mode] Must... respond... to... post...

[Commercial sign flashes.]

TOM [to camera]: Sigh This could take a while, give us a sec. We'll be right back.

[Ads, ads, ads!]

[Mike is breathing deeply in and out.]

TOM: You okay now, big guy?
MIKE: Good karma in... Bad karma out... Good karma in... Yeah, okay, I'm cool guys, thanks. Oh,
look, Ares, Discord and Strife are calling...

[Castle Forrester]

BOBO [to Brain Guy]: So, are you Discord or Strife?
BRAIN GUY: What? Why do you get to be Ares?
BOBO: Well, he's the hunk, isn't he?
BRAIN GUY: This is ludicrous! If you go by hunk-factor, then obviously, I should be Ares.
PEARL: Shut up both of you! And clean this place up!
BOBO and BRAIN GUY: Yes, O merciful God of War...

[Pearl turns to speak to SOL.]

PEARL: Well, how are we doing this evening? Mike? Bots? Kimber?

[SOL]

MIKE: Gnyahh!
TOM: Pearl!

[Castle]

PEARL: [chuckles] Ah, yes, Kimber, a woman after my own heart. So mean, so petty, so... evil.
[Deep wistful sigh] Anyhoo, today's experiment is a bizarre piece of tripe pretending to be
fan-fic posted to the good folks at the Gabrielle and Joxer Romantics Society called "one of
those days."  Brain Guy! Send them the post! Now! Enjoy, my little Amazon-wannabes.

[SOL]

ALL: Aaaaaah! We've got fan-fic sign!

[6...5...4...3...2...1]

>    Subject: FF:one of those days

CROW: One of those posts...

>    From: Skippy Skip

ALL: [snickers all around]

>                     @yahoo.com
>    
>                                       
>    hERES A LITTLE MESSAGE FROM THE NEW GUY YOU TERDS

CROW: Ooo, I love those little candies!
MIKE: Um, Crow, that's "Nerds," this is "Terds."
CROW: Oh... [slight pause] Ew!

>    ....................................................

CROW: ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
TOM: ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
MIKE: Now cut that out!

>    
>     It was a day like any other for joxer at least.

CROW: You mean he's makin' time with Gabrielle and Xena? Woo-hoo, Joxer da man!
TOM: Uh-oh, lack of capital letter on main character's name. Bad sign.
MIKE: OK, guys, I say we let most of the spelling and punctuation ride on this one,
otherwise we could hurt ourselves.
TOM: Good by me!
CROW: You bet!

>     But this day was big and long,

TOM: And as high as an elephant's eye.

>                                   suddenly Joxer's phone rang.

MIKE: As opposed to a slowly building up phone ring.

>                                                               He picked
> it up franticly because he had'nt had a phonecall in a lonnnnnggggg
> time.

CROW: This is a baaaaaddddd fan-fic.

>      It was Renee O'conner,

ALL: [applause, whistling]

>                            she invited him over to stay over for a
> lonnnnnggg time.

TOM: Oh, I get it now, it's a theme. How could I not have seen that?
MIKE: Subtle.

>         This was the first time Joxer would ever be with a girl so ran

CROW: Tell that to Meg and her girls.
TOM: Hold on, what's Joxer doing interacting with Renee O'Connor? Shouldn't it be Ted Raimi?
MIKE: Shhhh, you'll confuse Skippy...

> to his car,hopped in ,and drove to you know whos house.

CROW: The whos? Does that mean Horton's here?

>          When he got there Reneigh

CROW: "Wilbuuuuur!"

>                                     was outside waiting for him."Hey
> Ted,whats hang'n?"Ted I mean Joxer

MIKE: See, I said you'd confuse him.
TOM: Sorry.

>                                     was confused "come on in".

ALL: [singing] "Sit right down! Baby let your mind grow long!"

>                                                               Joxer I
> mean Ted

CROW: I think Skippy's head's gonna explode.
TOM: Look, I said I was sorry!

>           walked in the house.The door slamed.Joxer I mean Ted looked
> behind him and noone was there.Suddenly he heard a drawer open in the
> kitchen.

CROW: Wow! That was exciting!
TOM: No one will be seated during the intense drawer opening scene.

> 
>    Renee :Come here and Ill make you some mashed potatoes.

CROW: ["Jungle Goddess" voice] I'd rather have them french-fried!
MIKE: Huh?
TOM: Before your time.

>    
>    Joxer I mean Ted:

MIKE: Definitely going to need therapy.
TOM: I'm SORRY, OK?!

>                     Im coming dearest
>    
>      Just as Ted walked in the kitchen he was rapidly hit in the lower
>    hemesphere.

TOM: Ouch, right in the Phillipines!
CROW: Oh, my Brazil!
MIKE: Ooof, my achin' Ghana!

>               He yelled wildly and then was hit in the head with a bucket
>    of flour and head cheese.

CROW: Head cheese?
TOM: This is just sad...

>    
>    Renee:The mashness is delivered now for some carrots and peas.

MIKE: Mashness?
CROW: Would you like some liquidness to drink with your mashness?
TOM: No, thank you, but I'd love a little more friedness and broilness please.

>    
>    Ted:Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh............

ALL: [singing] Na-na-na, hey-ey, good-bye!
TOM: You know, this could be a variation on the "loooooonnnnng" theme...

>    
>    All of a sudden STEVE{Renee boyfriend}

TOM: When the hell did Ms. O'Connor acquire a Steve anyhow?
MIKE: I think you're over-looking the real possibility that Steve is Skippy.
TOM: Oh, god, not self-insertion!
CROW: Could be the only way the Skipster gets any.
MIKE: Crow!

>                                          walks no better yet

MIKE: "Better" is not a word I associate with this kind of post.

> comes
>    driving in a VW Bus 

CROW: Wow, Renee's got one hell of a big kitchen!

>                        and runs over Teds weed wacker {if he still has
>    one}and then Steve {or should I say SPEEDO180}

CROW: I'd like to see Renee in Speedos!
MIKE: [sighs] Crow...

>                                                  came out of the rusty VW
>    carrying a crazy daisy.

TOM: And a loopy tulip.
CROW: And a nutty chrysanthemum.
MIKE: And a Madder Rose. Get it, Steven King's "Rose Madder"? Never mind.

>                           He took that daisy and whipped the unconscious
>    Ted into shape.

CROW: Hope it's a trapezoid. I've always been partial to trapezoids.

>                    Renee ran up to Ted and beat his head in with a
>    spaghetti fork until she broke his nose.

TOM: Excuse me? She just broke his nose with a spaghetti fork? This is more ludicrous
than the head cheese! Mike, this whole thing is just beyond stupid! I take it back, I'm
not sorry I confused Skippy!
MIKE: OK, big guy, just breathe... In... out... in... out...

>                                            Lucy Lawless

ALL: [applause, whistling]

>                                                         suddenly came in

CROW: An awful lot of stuff happens suddenly in this story.

>    and saw the comotion. Lucy: Can I have a whack too? Renee: Sure, why
>    not, grab something and join in.

TOM: This was posted on the GJRS list?
MIKE: Uh-huh.
TOM: And they didn't immediately turf this little weasel?
MIKE: Apparently not.
TOM: Those people are amazingly tolerant.
CROW: Saints.

>    
>    Lucy grabbed a grease pan and poured the boiling hot grease all over
>    Ted's mashed potatoes. They were now as fried as frence fries in Mcy
>    D's.

TOM: Is that supposed to be a reference to McDonald's aka Mickey Dee's?
MIKE: No, he really means Mcy D's. It's out on Route 5, near the Twine Ball.
CROW: Yeah, it's kind of a dump.

>    
>    Ted:Na more fod

CROW: "Na more fod?"
MIKE: I thought we weren't going to do spelling.
TOM: Mike, this is beyond spelling. That's gibberish. The only way this guy can possibly
redeem himself is if he turns out to be James Joyce.
CROW: And even then...

>    
>    Steve: How about........some shishkabob!?
>    
>    Steve:Ohhhhh Porky!

MIKE: You know, that was a funny movie. When I was twelve.
TOM: A-be-dee, a-be-dee, a-be-dee, that's all folks!
CROW: I wish.

>    
>      All of a sudden a porcupine

ALL: [gape in wonder]
TOM: Head cheese, a spaghetti fork and a porcupine?
CROW: What is this guy on?!

>                                   came running in and did a cherry bomb
>    cannon ball on Ted's face. SPEEDO180 whipped out a liguid nitrogine
>    gun and made Ted in to a Teddy popsicle.Then through Ted out the
>    window and
>    into a cement mixer and paved a new driveway.

TOM: I can't think of any way to respond to this, Mike! It's practically self-MiSTing!

>    
>    THE END

CROW: There is a God!

>                       By SPEEDO180

CROW: But, I thought he was Skippy! Or Steve! Or... or...
TOM Let's get the H-E-double hockey sticks outta here!

[1...2...3...4...5...6]

[SOL]

[All stand stunned for a minute before stirring to life.]

TOM: Whoa! What was that and why did it get dignified with a "Fanfic" label?
CROW: What was Pearl thinking when she sent this? This is low, even by her standards.
TOM: Skippy should consider some therapy for his anger management.
CROW: Yeah, not to mention his multiple-personality disorder.
MIKE: Well, at least it was short.
TOM: Yeah, awfully short. I wonder if Pearl's even ready for us. Pearl?

[Castle Forrester]

[Pearl sits hunched over her PC, typing wildly and chuckling evilly. Bobo and Brain Guy
continue to clean.]

PEARL: "...these cruel insults are, of course, not meant personally (unless someone says
exactly the same thing about me) and are IMHO, so you can't touch me. As always, Kimb--"

[SOL]

TOM: Oh.
CROW: My.
MIKE: God.
TOM: Pearl?! You're Kim729@aol.com?!

[Castle]

PEARL: [grins sheepishly] Oops! Busted! Well... well, what did you think? I'm evil! This
is the kind of stuff I do! You didn't really think anybody could be like that, did you? 
"Kimber's" so-called resume is obviously a tissue of lies! C'mon, get a clue!
BOBO: Does this mean you'll have to give up writing under the name Stephen Ratliff, too?
PEARL: Aaaaaargh! Bobo! You chucklehead!

[Pearl picks up PC and beats Bobo repeatedly while Brain Guy just look on with satisfaction.]

Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyright 1999 by Best Brains, Inc. No infringement in
intended. All in good fun folks.

>     Ted:Na more fod

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