[Run "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom" intro. Cut to Marlin Perkins in his office.]

MP: Hi, I'm Marlin Perkins. Welcome to Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. This is my assistant and close personal friend, Jim Fowler.
JF: Screw you.
MP: Well, Jim, it's good to see you've almost completely recovered from that bear attack last week.
JF: Bite me, Perkins.
MP: Heh-heh. This week on "Wild Kingdom," we'll be examining an odd species, which seems to lurk exclusively on the internet. Joxerphobes. This strange creature lurks in dark corners on newsgroups and e-mail lists, and even have a number of web pages devoted to their strange practices. We managed to track down a key meeting area for these Joxerphobes, or just "'Phobes" for short. I sent Jim in to investigate while I stayed here in my nice safe, comfy office.
JF: Big surprise.

[Cut to footage. POV of camera wandering through woods. Jim's voice can be heard.]

JF: I swear, one of these days, I'm getting a box load of weasels and stuffing them down that idiot's pants... Wait! There they are!

[Pan to small clearing in the forest. A handful of people, wearing only strategically placed leaves, are gathered in a circle. They appear to be burning a Joxer action figure. Marlin Perkins narrates.]

MP (Voice-Over): Through pain-staking research, we have manage to identify some of the specific sub-species present in this group. One is an Erin, formerly belonging to a less savage species, simple Joxer Dislikers, but has since de-evolved into a 'Phobe.

[Close up of the Erin pounding the Joxer figure with a stick.]

MP (VO): The dominant male of the group seems to be a P*** H******, a particularly nasty sub-species.

[Close up of P*** snarling at action figure.]

JF: Where the Hell'd they get a Joxer action figure anyway? Wait, they're attempting to communicate with each other.
PH: Jerkster burn! Jerkster is evil!
Generic Joxerphobe: Who's Jerkster?

[Erin hits Generic Joxerphobe.]

E: Jerkster is Joxer, bozo!
MP (VO): An especially strange Phobe is the OmegaMan, thus named by scientists because it always lags behind and is never in synch with the other 'Phobes.
OM: When do we set fire to the action figure?

[Erin hits OmegaMan.]

E: Stupid, we did that twenty minutes ago!
PH: Ah, we must stop fighting! It's so hard to stay organized since Kimber went away.
MP (VO): The P*** H****** is referring to the Kim729 or Kimber, the most fearsome of all Phobes. Vicious, deceitful and nasty. Fortunately, there has not been a reported Kimber sighting for some months now.

[Jim appears on screen, dressed as Joxer.]

JF: Whose bloody stupid idea was this? Gee. Let me guess.
MP (VO): Now, Jim will gauge the Phobes' reaction to a real-life Joxer. Good 'ol Jim. Heh-heh.

[Jim, obviously unhappy, approaches the group, whistling the Joxer the Mighty theme (rather poorly).]

JF: Um... ahem... "Gree-tings, my war-ri-or chums."

[The phobes freak. They pounce on Jim and he goes down in a heap. The beat on him mercilessly.]

MP (VO): At this point, something very interesting and unexpected happens.

[The camera jiggles wildly, as if the camera operator is running. From the way the camera's POV move, it appears it is being used to beat Jim.]

MP (VO): Our camera operator, a Kerry Franks, is apparently a Troll. As you all learned when we saw Jim get beat to a pulp by them a few months back, Trolls infiltrate other groups - in this case, our camera crew - only to explode for no initially apparent reason. This particular Troll's motivation is revealed when...
KF: See, P***, I'm doing what you do! I love you! Be mine! Love me! Love MEEEEEEEEEEE!!

[P***, not being a complete idiot, sees what is happening and runs for the hills. Dropping the camera, the Kerry follows.]

[Back to studio.]

MP: Well, Jim, thanks again for that insightful report... Jim? Jim? Where'd he go? Oh, look, he left me a box. Well, join us again next week on Wild Kingdom, when I'll be communing with nature once again.

[Begins to open box. Fade to black. As credits roll, we hear...]

MP: Ahrgh, weasels!!!