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[In the not too distant future...] [Season 10 Mystery Science Theater 3000 opening theme.] [1...2...3...4...5...6] [SOL] Mike: Hi, everybody, Mike Nelson here and these are my robot friends, Crow T. Robot... Crow: [depressed] Hey. Mike: ...and Tom Servo. Tom: [depressed] Hey. Mike: What's wrong, guys? You seem down. Oh, hi, Gypsy. Gypsy [entering]: Morning! Crow: We want to be whisked away to the Amazon Village of Luuuuuuuuuuve. 'Sbeen a while. Tom: Crow, that's not its name. Crow: Queen Ephiney suck-up. Tom: But, otherwise, Crow's right. It's been a while our relative time since we visited, although to the inhabitants of Joxopolis, it must seem like we're there more or less continuously. Mike: Yeah, I've never understood how that-- [Mike, Tom and Crow disappear with a "pop!"] Gypsy: And there they go again! Ooo, commercial sign. We'll... um, I'll be right back. [Commercials] [SOL. Gypsy stands alone, quiet, probably bored out of her skull.] Gypsy: Uh-oh, it's Pearl. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Greetings, guinea pigs. Today... Hey! Where is everyone? [SOL] Gypsy: Gone. Taken away to the Amazon Village of That's-Not-Its-Name. They should be back in a couple of hours. [Castle F] Pearl: [whining] Ooooooh! But I had this great fanfic to send them! How am I supposed to break their spirits when they have this happy place they can go to? It's not fair! Observer: There, there, Pearl, I'm sure something will pop up. [SOL. Pop! Doug, Seven and Sydney appear. Doug is wearing a tux and both Sydney and Seven are wearing long, black elegant dresses. Seven looks ready to belt someone and Doug and Syd seem to be heading to her rescue.] Doug: --ands off the Borg, Bond! Oh. [looks around] Oh. No. [sees Gypsy] Oh no! Gypsy: Hi. I'm Gypsy. Are you here to fill in for Mike? Doug: AAAAAAAHHHH! Seven: Is there a reason for your distress? Is this... [looks for the right word but still comes up with...] ...robot hostile? Sydney: I recognize this place. I think I've seen this show. They watch those really bad movies... Doug: AAAAAAAHHHH! We've got to get out of here before-- [Castle F] Pearl: Hey. I know you three. Observer: Sydney Fox? Hubba! Bobo: Seven of Nine? Double hubba! Pearl: And you. You're the one who foiled my Clayton's plan to invade Joxopolis. [evil, evil smile] You're right Brain-Guy. Something did pop up. Ahem. Greetings, guinea pigs. Before we begin, we can't have you all looking so swah-vey and de-bone-er. Observer, give them back their regular clothing. Observer: Ooo, I get to touch Sydney Fox with my sentience! Pearl: Just do it! God, you're sick. Observer: [does his head-shake] [SOL. With a different "Pop!", our heroes are back in their standard clothing.] [Castle F] Pearl: That's better. Today's experiment is a Star Trek/X-Files crossover gone horribly wrong. As if such a thing could ever possibly go right. It's called "Assimilated" by one Danny Wels. [SOL] Seven: What precisely is a... fanfic? Doug: Aaah! Seven! Quick! Use your Borg-tube thingies to download as much of my cultural knowledge as you can! Seven: What purpose would that serve? Doug: It's the only way you'll survive the fic! Sydney should be fine, at least she's from the right time period and seen the show. She'll know what to do. C'mon! Before they send it! Seven: [reluctantly] Very well. [Seven's Borg-tube thingies shoot out and attach themselves to Doug's neck. Seven's eyes roll back up into her head as she assimilates Doug's pop culture knowledge.] Doug: Yeesh. That feels weird. [Seven begins to convulse slightly.] Doug: Um, Seven, you okay? [The convulsions become more and more violent until Seven retracts her tubes. She stands with her eyes closed, trembling slightly.] Doug: Seven? Did it work? [The trembling stops, her eyes snap open, then she smirks evilly.] Seven: [as Ash] Groovy. Sydney: Guess so. [Castle F] Pearl: Observer, send them the fanfic. Enjoy, drones. [SOL] Doug: Uh-oh, here it comes. We've got fanfic siiiiiiiign! [6...5...4...3...2...1] [The trio enter the theatre; Sydney takes Tom's place, Doug takes Mike's, and Seven sits in Crow's usual seat.] Seven: This is a very odd sensation, having all this strange knowledge in my system. Doug: It's the only way you'll make it through this. I meant it, you'll thank me for it. Here comes the fic. Seven: [as Austin Powers] Yeah, baby, yeah! Bring it on! Doug: Okay, that's scary. > Assimilated Seven: Well, resistance is futile, you know. Doug: So I've heard. > > Classification: C Sydney: ...is for cookie, that's good enough for me! > (between The X-Files and Star Trek: First Contact) Doug: ...lies... Obsession. > Rating: G > Summary: In the 24th century the Borg infade federation space > the federation manages to destroy the borg ship but before it > explodes it sents a probe to the past to assimilate the human > population. Doug: Um, hasn't this been done before? Seven: By professionals? Sydney: Who know what they're doing? > > Disclaimer: > The characters and situations of the television program "The X Files" > are the creations and property of Chris Carter, Fox Broadcasting, and > Ten-Thirteen Productions, Doug: [little kid voice] I made this! > and have been used without permission. No > copyright infringement is intended. Seven: But it turned out that way, anyhow. > > The characters and situations of the movie "Star Trek: First Contact" > are the creations and property of Ronald D. Moor, Doug: Hey, "Star Trek" meets "Othello." > Brannon Braga and > Paramount Pictures, and have been used without permission. No > copyright infrigement is intended. > > Note: I've just returned from Star Trek: First Contact and I loved > that movie it is the best ST movie I have ever seen on a scale from > 1 to 10 I give it a 9.5. Sydney: But only a 4.5 from the East German judge! Doug and Seven: Boo! Hiss! > I've changed the plot of the movie so that > it fits in The X-Files time-line. Doug: Gee. Thanks. I'm sure the story's much better now. > _________________________________________________________________ > > Federation Space > just after the borg ship has been destroyed. Doug: That's real specific. > 2372 Doug: Oh. > > "We're caught in a temporal flux sir." said Data just after > the ship fired the probe before it exploded. Doug: Anybody care to parse that? Seven: Before what exploded? The ship? The probe? Data? > > "Scan the probe Data." ordered Picard. > > Data scanned the ship and reported to the captain. Seven: [Data] I'm feeling funky, sir. > > "There is borg activity on the probe." > > "Oh my god this flux is a gate to the past of earth." said Riker > shocked. Sydney: "Oh my god how the hell did Riker figure that out from almost no evidence." said Sydney confused. > > "If they can't assimilate us here then they will do it in the > past so that we bon't here to stop them in the future." Picard > said while he was thinking about what his options were to stop > the borg probe. Doug: [Picard] Let's see, I could barricade myself in my ready room and cry like a newborn. That might work. > > "Sir, the borg has entered the flux and is on it's way to earth." > > "We have no other choice. Sydney: UPN must be stopped. Have you seen their fall line-up? > Follow the borg Data we have to stop > them in the past to save the future." > > "Aye sir." > > The Enterprise-E slowly moves towards the rift in space and enters > it. Doug: Apparently, the temporal rift has also affected the tense this story is in. > > Washington DC > 5 May 1994 > 3:05 PM Sydney: It's 3:05 PM. Seven: Do you know where your Borg are? > > "Scully take a look at this." Mulder started his video Doug: [sings cheezy porn music] Sydney: Whoops! Wrong tape! > "This cube > shaped thing entered earth's atmosphere on 3 May at 7:00 AM shortly > after this was filmed the ship fired on earth and contact was lost > with the local population." > > "Did nobody survive the attack?" she asked. > > "Nobody knows Seven: ...the trouble I seen. > that and I'm planning to find out what happened to > the people there." Mulder answered. > > Back on the Enterprise the situation was critical because some borgs > managed to beam over to the Enterprise while they dropped their > shields to beam over the survivers from the Defiant and now they are > trying to take over the ship. Sydney: If Danny had written "First Contact," it would've been six minutes long. > > "Captain they have taken over decks 26 till 5. Sydney: 25 or 6 to 4. Doug: 54-40 or fight. Seven: 23 skidoo. > Most of the crew > where assimilated trying to stop them." reported the leader of > the group who had his face all covered with blood when he arr- > ived on the bridge to inform the captain of the situation. Doug: [Picard] Thank you, Lt. Generic. Now get back out there and die like a proper extra! > > "Captain we have no other choice we must activate the self de- > struct sequence to prefent them from taking over the ship." was > Worf's advice for the captain and most of the crew agreed with him > but Picard didn't agree with him because this was his change for > vengeance towards the borg for what they did to him in late 2363 > and some time of 2364. Doug: Man, this story has the most aggressive exposition I've ever seen. > > "No, every time the borg destroys a sivilization the federation > steps back, everytime they attack the federation steps back and > this time I'm not going to step back if they want my ship they > will have to kill me first." Sydney: Wow! Danny completely ruined a previously rousing speech. Seven: "Sivilization?" I was a Borg for years. I never helped destroy a "sivilization." > > "Captain I must object you're personal feelings towards the borg > afects your judgement." Doug: [Worf] Plus, the writer really has no idea what he's doing. > > "Worf you're scared you just want to run and hide." Sydney: Sure, call the Klingon a sissy. Smart. > > Worf losed his temper and he wanted to kill his captain but he > prefented himself from doing that. Doug: It waf fery nife of him to prefent himfelf from doing fat. > > "With all due respect sir but if you weren't person who you are > I would have killed you." Doug: [Picard] Aha! But am I the person who you think I am? Are you the person I think I am? Furthermore-- Sydney: Okay, that's enough. > > "Worf leave my bridge!" was Picards response. Sydney: Slap fight! C'mon! > > Worf left the bridge angry and Picard entered the observation > lounge to prepare a plan to stop the borg. Doug: [Picard] I'm still leaning towards the crying stratagem. > > Nevada > 6 May > 1:00 PM > > When Mulder and Scully arived in the village which was attacked > by the borg vessel all they could see for miles where the ruins > of what once a beautifull village was, they both got out of the > car and entered the village searching for survivors. Sydney: Nooo! Not Richard Hatch! Doug: I still think Sonja should've won. > > "What's wrong with this picture Scully?" Seven: [Scully] Well, the lighting's all wrong, it's grainy and I've got red-eye. I want my money back. > > "I have no idea Mulder. Tell me." > > "We've been searching for one hour now but we haven't found any > survivors on dead bodies. Strange don't you think?" Sydney: [Scully] Having these sorts of conversations with you, I try not to think. My brain just sort of shuts down. > > "It's possible everybody left before the ship attacked the vil- > lage." > > "And how do you explain all these cars or at least what's left > of them?" Doug: [Michael Moore] It all Roger Smith's fault, dammit! > > "I can't Mulder but I'm sure there is an explenation for the > whole situation here." Sydney: This fanfic stinks. > > "Well what do you think that happened here?" Doug: This fanfic stinks, are you not listening? > > "Well 5 miles from here there is a military base right?" > > "Yeah so?" > > "Maybe they were having a training mission for the pilots and > somehow they have gotten the wrong coordinates and dropped > their bombs on this village." she explained. Doug: Let's see. Either a horde of alien invaders or the most inept military force on the face of the Earth. Which alternative sucks more? > > "Well let's pay a little visit to the base then shall we?" > > Scully agreed and they both walked back to the car they drived > through what was left of the village towards the military base > 5 miles north of the village. Sydney: Boy, Danny sure knows how to set the mood for a scene, doesn't he? > > Meanwhile on the Enterprise. > > Everybody on the bridge was armed and ready to fight the borg like > the captain ordered them. Picard walked to Worf who still was mad > at the captain. Seven: [Worf] [sniffle] I'm still not talking to you. > > "Mr. Worf I wanted to apologize about some of the things I've said > to you." > > "Some things you said?" Worf asked. Doug: [Picard] I still think your penmanship is atrocious. > > "Well I just think that you're on of the brafest man I've ever met." > > "Thank you." Worf answered he lost all his anger towards the captain > after the conversation they just had. > > Picard walked to the middle of the bridge so that everyone on the > bridge could here him. Seven: It's that big megaphone he keeps next to the command chair. > > "Ok everyone listen. Doug: The bake sale starts at two! > We are going to sweep decks 26 till 5 and > destroy any borg we encounter now I have heard that most of the > crew on those decks have been assimilated don't feel sorry for > them just kill them you will be doing them a great favor." Sydney: Yeah, don't let feelings get in the way of anything. > > Military Base Seven: Anywhere. Just pick one. > 3:10 PM > > When they arrived at the base the first strange thing they no- > ticed was that there wasn't one soldier to guard the base. > > "I have a bad feeling about this Scully." Sydney: Well, that'll go along with the gut-churning nausea we're all experiencing reading this. > > "I know Mulder. Seven: If you knew Mulder like I know Mulder... > Something's very wrong here." > > They drove further into the base after they drove for a while Doug: So, they drove for a while and then they drove further? Is that right? Or did they drive further and then for a while? Sydney: I'm getting a headache. > searching for someone who could help them suddenly someone > jumped in front of the car the man looked like a cyborg. > Mulder couldn't stop the car in time and the cyborg got hit > by the car. > > "What the hell was that?" Doug: Plot device. > > "I don't know Scully but I'm sure he is the answer to what > happened here. Let's ask him some questions if he's still > alive." Sydney: Hell, we'll ask him questions even if he's dead. What can it hurt? > > Scully agreed and they got out of the car to their surprise > the borg was gone and when searched the area to look for it > they saw nothing. Seven: Sudden eclipse! > > "Mulder now I'm sure something is very wrong here." > > "Do you still think that what happened here was an accident > Scully?" > > Scully pretended that she didn't hear that question Sydney: She'd gotten used to ignoring his questions. Doug: [Mulder] Scully, do you think I'm studly? > and enter- > ed the car again when Mulder wanted to enter the car someone > grabbed his shoulder's. > > "Hey you're hurting me." Mulder said while he was suffering > great pain in his shoulder. Seven: Ow. Please stop. You're hurting me. Ouch. Doug: Danny, here's a hint. Don't! Be afraid! To use! Exclamation points! Sydney: Punctuation is your friend. > > "Resistance is futile. All: We know. > Prepare to be assimilated to serve the > collective." > > "Who the hell are you?" Mulder asked. Doug: Hi, my name is Steve and I'll be your waiter this evening. > > "I'm 198." answered the borg. Seven: I beg you pardon? I'm 198? Doug: Danny doesn't quite grasp the whole "collective consciousness" concept, does he? > > "Scully I would apreciate some help from you." Sydney: [Scully] Yeah? Well, I'd appreciate a desk, Mister Big Shot! > > "Mulder we're outnumbered by them I just don't have enough > bullets to shoot all of them." > > "Well think of something else then." Doug: We attack the mayor with hummus? Seven: That is a crazy plan. Doug: Just trying to keep things in perspective. > > On the Enterprise Picard, Data and Geordi remained on the bridge > to guard it so that the borg couldn't get full control of the > ship. Doug: Three officers against a horde of Borg. Yeah, that'll work. > > "Captain?" > > "Yes, Data." > > "I'm picking up 300 life-signs from Nevada on earth." Sydney: That's it? Get those sensors overhauled. > > "Are they human?" > > "Two of them are." Doug: If I was from Nevada, I'd be pretty insulted right about now. > > "And the remaining 298?" > > "They are borg sir." > > "Beam the two humans directly to the bridge Data." > > "But that is on violation with starfleet protocol sir." > > "Mr. Worf what's more important two lifes that can be saved > or starfleet protocol?" Doug: This week, on "Crossfire"! > > When worf didn't answer after while captain gave Data the order > to beam them to the bridge. Seven: Head... going... to implode... Doug: This guy's grammar is all over the place. > > "Entering coordinates, the transporter is locked on them sir." > > "Energize!" > > "Let me go!" Mulder screamed. All: [singing] Please release me, let me go... > > "Resistance is futile." was the borgs response. > > The borg activated his assimilation program and was moving > his needle to Mulder's neck to assimilate him. > > "No!!!!! Mulder!!!!!" Sydney: And Mulder goes down in a hail of exclamation points! Doug: There they are! Danny's been saving them up. > > Then they both where beamed to the bridge of the Enterprise. Sydney: Hey, it looks like we get to take a quick break here. Seven: [Southern Baptist accent] Hallelujah! Praise be to the lord! Doug: Okay now, stop that, you're scaring me! [1...2...3...4...5...6] [SOL] Sydney: I had no concept fan written fiction could be so bad. Doug: Could be worse. Sydney: Good Lord, how? Doug: Could've been a Mary Sue. Seven: What is a "Mary Sue"? Doug: Ah, so you didn't get all my knowledge. Well, a Mary Sue is a fanfic that stars the author. Sydney: What would anyone do that? Doug: Wish-fulfillment, basically. The Mary Sue character usually inserts him or herself into one or more fandoms, sometimes crossing over characters who could never conceivably meet under reasonable circumstances... Seven: Such as "Relic Hunter"-- Sydney: --and "Star Trek: Voyager"? Doug: Right, good example. Who in their right mind would cross those over? [frowns a little as if something is nagging at him, but then shakes head and resumes] Also, the "author" usually barges their way into the story and, despite knowing him or her only a very short time, the characters treat them as a loyal and trusted companion. Especially attractive major characters of the opposite sex. Sydney: Uh-huh. Doug: The "hero" also is much more competent than they would be in real life, easily defeating villains no one else can handle. Seven: I see. Such as, for example, saving a village from a massive inter-dimensional invasion led by an evil madman? Doug: Ri-- [stops mid-word] [Long pause.] Sydney: You'd never write anything like that yourself, of course. [Longer pause during which Doug begins to sweat. Commercial sign flashes.] Doug: Thank god, commercials! We'll be right back. [grumbles to self] [Commercials] [Back in the theater.] Doug: [mumbling to self] Doesn't count... Just for fun... Everyone else does it... Seven: We were merely teasing. Sydney: You're so easy. Doug: Let's just move on, all right? Now, where were we? > Then they both where beamed to the bridge of the Enterprise. Doug: Ah. Thanks. > > Picard walked to them to greet them, Scully and Mulder both > pointed their gun at Picard. Seven: FBI cutbacks, I suppose. > > "Stay there don't come closer!" Mulder said. > > "Look I know this must be confusing but please drop your guns > and I will explain everything." Picard said trying to calm them. > > "No change mister!" Scully said. Seven: [Scully] There is no way I can break a twenty! > > "Captain the computer is registering movement just outside the > bridge." Data reported after he scanned the ship. Doug: [Data] The Borg have started a conga line, sir. > > "Captain to security team." Picard didn't get a response "Picard > to security team!!" when he didn't get a response for the second > time he began to get worried about his crew members "Picard to > Beverly please respond!" no answer "Picard to Riker!!" no re- > sponse either Sydney: Ooo, they're giving him the silent treatment. > "Picard to Geordi come in!!" Doug: [Geordi] Um, I'm right here, sir. I'm on the bridge, remember? The fic said so earlier. > when he didn't get > a response from him either he hated himself for sending them > out there on a suicide mission for his personal vengeance on > the borg. > > "I don't want to interupt anything but someone is opening the > door." Mulder said. > > Everybody's eyes where watching the door that was almost open after > a few minutes the door was open but there was no one in the opening. Seven: Oy. Doug: I get the impression the door was opened in that scene. > > "Data?" > > "I don't know how to explain this captain." Seven: Once again. This. Fanfic. Stinks. > > Before Data could finish the bridge Sydney: ...the Captain insisted he start work on the little model cows. Doug: Their HO model train hobby had gotten out of hand. > was suddenly filled with > borgs Worf draws his phaser Seven: But his artistic skills were almost as bad as his penmanship. > and shoots at one of the borgs but > they already seemed to have adapt to this laser frequency that > they probarly encountered during the fight with the security > teams the borg shoots back at Worf and he vaporizes into thin > air. Sydney: That Danny, take no prisoners. Doug: [Danny Wels] I'm the God! I'M THE GOD! > > "WORF!!!!!!" Picard now really hated himself for being responsible > of the death of a great man he should have destroyed the Enterprise > when he had the change. > > "Resistance is futile. Prepare to be assimilated." > > Mulder holds Scully hand. Sydney: [Scully] Mulder, give that back! > > "Well that's the end of it partner. I enjoyed working with you." Seven: [Scully] Um... that's nice. Doug: [Mulder] Don't you want to return the sentiment? Seven: [Scully] Not really. > > "Mulder I have one thing to say before we die." > > "And what's that?" Doug: "Plastics." > > "Mulder I ....." she didn't finish her sentence because she just > couldn't say what she wanted to say to him since she saw him for > the first time. Doug: [Scully] You are one freaky looney tune, you know that? > > Before they knew it the room was filled with borgs and the only > way out was the way where the borg came trough in. > > "Data is it possible to beam us directly from the bridge." asked > Picard. Doug: [Picard] Maybe to Ten-Forward. After the day we've had, I think we all deserve a brewski! > > "No, sir it appears that the borg have de-activated the trans- > porters on the Enterprise. But I have another solution for > this problem sir, Doug: [Picard] Does it involve me crying? Seven: [Data] No, sir, I'm afraid not. > I will try to keep the borg busy so that > you could escape trough the Jeffrey tubes." Sydney: What Jeffrey is that? Goldblum? Doug: Foxworthy? Seven: Dahmer? Doug: Yikes! > > Picard agreed and he said to Mulder and Scully to follow him > into the jeffrey tube located in the left corner of the bridge Sydney: No, no, your other left! > Jean-Luc couldn't stop thinking about Data he hoped that he was > alright. > > Engineering. Doug: The area with the highest concentration of geeks on the ship. Seven: I would suggest you never let Lt. Torres hear you say that. > > Data was tied to some kind of device after a while he saw a fe- > male borg. Doug: Rrrrowwl-- What am I saying? Aaaaah! > > "Welcome Data." she said. > > "Who are you?" All: [singing as The Who] Who, who, who, who? > > "I am the borg." she answered. > > "Are you the leader?" > > "Stop asking this useless questions you have been far to long > around humans they spoiled your positronic brain Sydney: I mean, look at this! It's way past its best-by date, and they haven't even refrigerated it properly! > it's capable > of more than this." Seven: It also makes julienne fries. > > Meanwhile in the Jeffrey tubes Picard, Scully and Mulder have > been crawling through them for an hour. > > "Where are we going?" Scully asked. Doug: Where are any of us going, really? > > "Well the borg have taken over decks 26 till 5 and probarly the > bridge so I'm planning to go to sickbay on deck 4." > > "What these borg things anyway?" Mulder asked. > > Picard stopped crawling. Sydney: Aaah! Charley horse! > > "It all started in 2362 when we got a visit from Q, I told him Doug: Uh-oh. Danny's about to do more exposition. Wake me when it's over. > the federation was prepared for anything and Q warped us about > 7000 light years from our present lofcation at that time and > he left. After a day or two we encountered a cube shaped ship > which ordered us to lower our shields so that they could take > our technology and assimilate us when we refused they opened > fire upon us and we sustained heavy damage we managed to de- Doug: Uh-huh. Sydney: Yeah. Seven: Whatever. > stroy their tractor beam and escape on maximum warp but they > were gaining on us and on the last moment q warped us back > to the place where we started after I admitted that I needed > his help. After this first encounter with the borg the feder- > ation started to develop weapons which could destroy a borg > ship. Then in 2363 that what the federation was afraid of All: [snoring] > happened the borg arrived in federation space and destroyed > a colony of ours the Enterprise was sent to investigate and > when we encountered the borg ship they boarded the Enterprise > and took me to their ship where they transformed me into > Locutus of borg and they made me destroy many federation ships > at Wolf 359 the crew of the Enterprise managed to save earth Doug: Is there gonna be a quiz on this later? > and me and we destroyes the borg ship. In 2365 we picked up > a distress signal when we arrived at the planet we found > three borgs two were dead and one survived we took him on > the Enterprise so that we could learn more about them my > chief engineer became a friend of the borg and named him > Hugh and the borg developed and personality but my plan > was to put some kind of device in him that would destroy > the entire borg collective when I spoke with Hugh it was > more difficult for me to sent him back and kill them so Seven: Yada-yada-yada... Sydney: Blah-blah-blah... Doug: Bada-bing! Bada-boom! > I decided to let him go back to the collective against > the wishes of starfleet. And in 2365 it appeared that > a part of the borg collective also developed a perso- > nality and didn't serve the collective anymore instead > they served Data's evil brother Lore who tried to destroy > the federation. And finnaly in 2372 the Enterprise was or- > dered to patrol the neutral zone during the invasion of Doug: Wait! I think we're into the home stretch! > the borg, I ignored starfleet orders and we joined the battle > when we arrived the flagship was destroyed so I took command > of the fleet I ordered the fleet to shoot on one point of the > borg ship we managed to destroy it but it launched a probe > before it exploded the probe opened a temporal flux we followed > it into the flux and the rest of the story is familiar to you." Sydney: Gee. The way he explains it, it all sounds so... dull. > > They heared some noises from the tube north of them Picard drawed > his phaser. Doug: No, no, when you colour it in, stay inside the lines! > > "Wait here." he said. Seven: [Scully waking suddenly] Huh? What? Were you saying something? I sort of drifted of there... > > He crawled to the tube north of them he looked around the corner > and was relieved when he saw most of his crew. Sydney: A crew of three or four hundred in this one Jeffries tube? What is this ship manned by? Clowns? > > "Captain!" they all said surprised. All: [put hands to ears] Aaah! > > "Follow me." ordered Picard. Doug: [Picard, singing] "Over the sea, let's go men..." > > They followed him to the place where he left Mulder and Scully > behind. > > "Mulder, Scully this are commander William T. Riker, Geordi La > Forge, Beverly Howard Crusher and Counselor Deanna Troi." Doug: [Picard] And... Lt. Generic? What the hell are doing still alive? Get out there and do your duty, man! > > They greeted each other, Riker opened his tricorder and scanned > the tubes. > > "There are no borgs in a range of 200 meters sir but there's > something else that I'm picking up." Seven: It's lite FM! > > "And what's that Number one?" Doug: [Casey Kasem] That Number One goes out to those assimilating fools, the Borg. Keep reaching for the stars. > > "I'm picking up a transporter signal from within the ship, so > they either beamed to earth or they beamed the borgs from earth > to the Enterprise." > > "I just don't understand why this base is so important to the > borg." Picard said. Sydney: They've got soft-serve in the mess hall this week. > > "There was a launching planned today." Scully said. > > "But why is this launching so important for the borg that they > want to prevent it from happening?" > > "This is rocket with some added componets that will enables it > to travel at speed of light." Doug: Dammit! They've realized that, with light speed, we can travel back in time and prevent this story from being written! Seven: We can't let them stop us! > Mulder explained to the crew of > the Enterprise. > > "Oh my god this stop Doug: Fanfic stop. Sydney: Stinks stop. Seven: Please send cash stop. > this test and the warp coil will never be > invented. We have to make sure this launching takes place, Riker > you take Mulder and Scully to transporter room 4 and beam them > into the base their mission is to find a survivor to start the > launch." Picard said Doug: Maybe begin with a nice light salad, then... Sydney: "Launch," not "lunch." Doug: Oops. > > "What if there aren't any survivors?" > > "Then you have to find a way launch the rocket or the humans in > the future will be doomed. The rest of us stay on the ship and > we try to stop the borgs from taking over the ship." Doug: [Picard] Except for me, I'll be doing that crying thing. > > Military Base > 4:59 PM > > Mulder, Scully and Riker were beamed into a room that appears to > be the briefing room. All: [singing] Let's do the Tense Warp again! > > "So what do we do know?" Scully asked. Seven: Is that "what do we do now" or "what do we know"? Doug: At this point, it doesn't really make any difference. The story has lost all cohesion and is going to explode and RAIN DOWN FIERY DEATH UPON US ALL! Sydney: Whoa, calm down! Doug: Sorry, lost control there for a sec. Hold me. Sydney: Dream on. Doug: Well, I had to try. > > "I think the three of us should split up and search the base for > survivors." was Mulder's suggestion. > > "No we need to stick together incase we encounter a borg." > > Mulder and Scully agreed with him and they left the briefing > room when they walk through the hallway for some time they > encounterd a door with <Control Center> written on it. Sydney: I guess that would be the janitor's closet, then. > > "I will stay here and guard the control center. If you find > a survivor and return here knock three times Seven: ...on the ceiling if you want me. > on the door when > you hear me say assimilated then it's safe to enter if I don't > answer then I'm probarly also a borg." Sydney: Hold on, if Riker's a Borg, isn't it likely he'll say "You will be assimilated," thus giving Mulder and Scully the password? Doug: Yep. Pretty crappy plan, there, Will. > > Riker entered the room and closed the door behind him. Scully and > Mulder walked further until they saw another door they opened it > and a man lies in front of them. > > "Are they gone?" he asked. > > "There are no borgs in this base." Mulder said. Doug: Yeah, we finally kicked 'em out, the damn Swedes! > > "Borgs? Who are you?" > > "We are agents Mulder and Scully we work for the FBI. And who > are you?" > > "I'm Jonathan Frekas." Sydney: The hell...? Seven: [Danny's mom] Danny, there's a Jonathan Frakes on the phone! He sounds angry! Doug: [Danny] Frakes? Never heard of him! Now, if it were Jonathan Frekas... Man, can he act! > > "Do you know how to launch the rocket?" Scully asked. Sydney: Light the big fuse and run like crazy! > > "Yes, what's the time anyway the launching should have started > at 3:05 PM and where is everybody else who work here?" > > "I'm sorry but your the only survivor of the attack. Seven: You win the million dollars! > The time is > 5:34 PM." Doug: Bip. Sydney: Bip. Seven: Bip. All: Beeeep. > > "Well get me to the control center then and let's launch that damn > thing." Jonathan said. > > Mulder and Scully carried the man to the control center Doug: He wasn't hurt or anything, he's just really lazy. > they knocked > three times on the door but they didn't get a response after a while > Mulder knocked again but there was no response. > > "Are you ready Scully?" Sydney: [Scully] I've been ready for years! But do ever make the slightest advance on me? Nooooo! > > "Yes, but do we do with Jonathan?" > > "Just leave me here and come and get me when it's safe." Jonathan > answered. Seven: Is Jonathan wearing a red shirt suddenly? > > Mulder and Scully drew there gun. Doug: That's really got to be awkward. > > "On the count of three ok?" Mulder asked > > Scully agreed. > > "One." Seven: ...singular sensation! > > "Two." Doug: ...for tea and two for tea... > > "Three!" Sydney: ...coins in the fountain... Doug: The number song sketch, ladies and gentlemen! > > Mulder kicked the door and entered the room once inside there was > nobody there. > > "Where did Riker go?" > > "I don't know Scully but let's get Jonathan inside and start the > launching of the rocket. > > 30 Minutes later > > The hatch of the silo outside the base opened and a rocket flies > into the sky and finally entered space after a while Doug: Yeah, just "after a while." Seven: No rush. Sydney: Take your time. > the two na- > cels started the light speed sequence and the rocket entered > light speed the test was a succes. > > Engineering Doug: ...Miss Daisy. Seven: ...Forrester. Sydney: ...Rita. > > Picard and the rest of the crew managed to stop the borg from > taking over the ship and they also rescued Data in engineering > > "I have to admit sir I sure was interested in there offer for > some time." Doug: Whoa! What offer? Sydney: Did we miss a scene or twelve here? Seven: All the scenes with my mother are gone? > > "How long Data?" > > "0.678 seconds sir." > > "Picard to transporter room." > > "Transporter room here." Seven: Transporter room there. Everywhere a transporter room. Doug: Ol' Picard, he had a ship! All: E-I-E-I-O! > > "Beam Riker from the surface back to the Enterprise." > > "I'm sorry sir but Riker is not on the surface anymore sir." > > "What? Data get to the bridge and scan earth for Riker's signal." > > Bridge Doug: Pinochle. Seven: Hearts. Sydney: Go Fish. > > "Captain I'm not picking up Riker's signal it appears he's dead." > > "Damn, I've lost of my crew on my personal crusade. Well Data get > us back to the 24th century." Sydney: That was heartfelt. > > "Yes sir." Doug: ...that's my baby! > > Data created another temporal flux and the Enterprise entered it and > left the 20th century. > > Just outside the military base. > > Mulder and Scully where driving back to Washington. > > "Mulder where did Riker go?" All: [to the tune of "Where Have All the Flowers Gone"] Where the heck has Riker gone...? > > "I don't know Scully I think he beamed back to the ship." > > "And if he didn't?" > > "Well he wasn't assimilated. At least I hope he wasn't." All: Dun-dun-DUN! > > And the they drove away into the night. > > THE END??? Doug: Two promising little words... Sydney: ...destroyed by the presence of those question marks. Seven: Please, no sequels! > _________________________________________________________________ > > Text copyright Danny Wels > _________________________________________________________________ Seven: [Dennis Miller] And we are outta here! Doug: Knock that off! [1...2...3...4...5...6] [SOL. Seven is running around in the background.] Sydney: That wasn't too bad. I guess. Doug: I don't think we did as well as Mike and the bots, but we're not... [slows down as he notices Seven] pro...fes...sionals... Seven, what is wrong? Seven: [flailing arms] Danger, Will Robinson! Danger! Doug: What? Seven: Gooooood morning, Vietnaaaam! Sydney: What the...? Seven: Don't hassle me with your sighs, Chuck! Sydney: I think maybe her system can't handle everything she downloaded from you. Seven: I'm sorry, you didn't phrase that in the form of a question. Doug: Oh, geez. Seven! Purge all my knowledge from your system! Seven: Second star to the right and straight on till morning. Doug: Now, Seven, now! Seven: My spoo has too much fleem! Deleting extraneous files! The wheels on the bus go round and round! Daisy... Daisy... give me your answer doooooo... Oooohhhh... [cradle head in her hands] That was most unpleasant. [Glaring at Doug] Never do that again. Doug: [meekly] Okay. [back to camera] What do you think, sirs? [Castle F. Pearl's not happy. Observer and Bobo seem to have made some attempt to spiff themselves up.] Pearl: Wrong era, you Joel wannabe! So, Mister Smarty Pants thinks he can just waltz in here and take anything I can thrown at him, eh? Well, I'll get you... and your little dog, too! It just so happens that Danny did write a sequel to "Assimilated" and I've decided to send it your way. [SOL] Doug: Great. Sydney: Yay. Seven: [John McClane] How can the same thing happen to the same guy twice? [Doug and Syd stare at Seven, who scowls at Doug.] Seven: You broke me. [Pop!] [Castle F] Pearl: Poopie. Bobo: All right, I'm all set to make my move on Seven of Nine. Woo hoo! Observer: Well, you can have her. I'm going to make Sydney mine. Pearl: They're gone. Bobo and Observer: What?! Pearl: They're gone! Bobo and Observer: Poopie. Pearl: That's what I said... What is that smell? Observer: Old Spice. Bobo: Brut mixed with mashed bananas. Pearl: [world-weary sigh] [Fade to credits.] Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyright Best Brains, Inc. "Assimilated" is copyright Danny Wels. No infringement is intended. No offense, Danny. Really, man, I'm sorry, but I had to pick one. Joxopolis audiences are the best audiences in the world! > "It all started in 2362 when we got a visit from Q, I told him > the federation was prepared for anything and Q warped us about > 7000 light years from our present lofcation at that time and > he left. After a day or two we encountered a cube shaped ship > which ordered us to lower our shields so that they could take > our technology and assimilate us when we refused they opened > fire upon us and we sustained heavy damage we managed to de- > stroy their tractor beam and escape on maximum warp but they > were gaining on us and on the last moment q warped us back > to the place where we started after I admitted that I needed > his help. After this first encounter with the borg the feder- > ation started to develop weapons which could destroy a borg > ship. Then in 2363 that what the federation was afraid of > happened the borg arrived in federation space and destroyed > a colony of ours the Enterprise was sent to investigate and > when we encountered the borg ship they boarded the Enterprise > and took me to their ship where they transformed me into > Locutus of borg and they made me destroy many federation ships > at Wolf 359 the crew of the Enterprise managed to save earth > and me and we destroyes the borg ship. In 2365 we picked up > a distress signal when we arrived at the planet we found > three borgs two were dead and one survived we took him on > the Enterprise so that we could learn more about them my > chief engineer became a friend of the borg and named him > Hugh and the borg developed and personality but my plan > was to put some kind of device in him that would destroy > the entire borg collective when I spoke with Hugh it was > more difficult for me to sent him back and kill them so > I decided to let him go back to the collective against > the wishes of starfleet. And in 2365 it appeared that > a part of the borg collective also developed a perso- > nality and didn't serve the collective anymore instead > they served Data's evil brother Lore who tried to destroy > the federation. And finnaly in 2372 the Enterprise was or- > dered to patrol the neutral zone during the invasion of > the borg, I ignored starfleet orders and we joined the battle > when we arrived the flagship was destroyed so I took command > of the fleet I ordered the fleet to shoot on one point of the > borg ship we managed to destroy it but it launched a probe > before it exploded the probe opened a temporal flux we followed > it into the flux and the rest of the story is familiar to you."
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