Joe Don Baker is Mitchell! The slobbiest, least appealing hero in motion picture history. He's just... icky. Try not to think about the baby oil. And, of course, we bid a fond farewell to Joel in this story. Goofy, sleepy-eyed Joel. Without whom there would be no MST3K. Fare thee well, Joel. See you in about five years...

• Prologue - Toothpick Monticello
• Host Segment 1 - They've hired a temp by the name of Mike
• Movie Act 1
• Host Segment 2 - "They're going to kill Joel!"
• Movie Act 2
• Host Segment 3 - Gypsy needs a plan
• Movie Act 3
• Host Segment 4 - Mike helps Gypsy
• Movie Act 4
• Epilogue - So long, Joel... Hello, Mike!

Prologue - Toothpick Monticello

• Monticello and the nickel - Monticello is the historic home of Thomas Jefferson, third President of the United States (1801-09) and it does appear on the back of the U.S. 5 cent piece. It's located in Virginia, about two miles southeast of Charlottesville and about 125 miles from Washington, D.C. Jefferson really loved the place and, after retiring after his run a President, lived the rest of his life there.

Host Segment 1 - They've hired a temp by the name of Mike

• "Milavetz and Associates are calling." - Milavetz and Associates (now called Milavetz, Gallop & Milavetz) are a law firm in the Minneapolis area, serving Minnesota and the surrounding states. Apparently, they're famous for having daytime TV commercials emphasizing how much they care about their clients.
• "It's a Daktari stool!" - "Daktari" (1966-69) was a show about veterinarians and conservationists in Africa. Featured some rather odd animal sidekicks including Clarence the Cross-Eyed Lion and Judy the Chimp.
• "Frank? Three Jarvik-7's?" "Put them in the junk drawer!" - The Jarvik-7 is an artificial heart, developed in the 1970s by a team led by Dr. Robert K. Jarvik, and first used in the early 1980s. Made of plastic, aluminum and Dacron polyester, it was only used as a temporary replacement until a suitable replacement heart can be found.
• "My science project from Evilos." - Apparently, Doctor Forrester has been practicing evil for quite some time. Evilos is a variation on Webelos, the Boy Scouts of America "transitional" level between Cub Scouts and full-blown Scouts. It's generally for boys in 4th and 5th grade. Webelos is short for "WE BE LOyal Scouts." Yeah, yeah, I know...
• "Mitchell, starring Joe Don Baker." - Texas-born actor Joe Don Baker (1936- ). After a few minor film appearances, Joe Don came to prominence playing real-life bat-wielding Tennessee sheriff Buford Pusser in 1973's Walking Tall. After this, he tended to get typecast as the "Bubba"-type character, especially after he started getting pudgy. He had his own short-lived crime drama, "Eischied" (1979-80; a follow-up to the 1978 TV movie To Kill a Cop) as title character Detective Earl Eischied (the type of cop who bucked authority but "got the job done!"). He has since appeared in quite a few films including a handful of James Bond films, Fletch (1985), Congo (1995) and Mars Attacks! (1996). He even subbed for an ill Carroll O'Connor for a few months on "In the Heat of the Night" (1988-94). Apparently, Joe Don was furious over the treatment he received in this episode. Tough.

Movie Act 1

• "Oh, the Martha Mitchell story." - Southern belle Martha Mitchell (1918-76) was the wife of John Mitchell, attorney general of the United States during the Nixon/Watergate scandal. When Watergate first broke and her husband was one of the first to get in trouble, Martha, believing him to be a scapegoat for President Richard M. Nixon, had a fit. Martha, whose big mouth and love of gossip Mr. Mitchell could never control, began calling reporters day and night to get her point of view across. This just worsened the situation. The White House, fed up with this, leaked information about her alleged drinking problem, putting a further burden on John and Martha's already strained marriage." John divorced Martha in 1973; she died of cancer three years later at the age of 57.
• "It's Bigfoot!" - Bigfoot (or Sasquatch) is a mythical man-ape creature "spotted" hundreds of time along the West Coast of the United States since the mid-1800s, especially in the Pacific Northwest. The main proof of this huge creature's existence are blurry home movies. Otherwise, there is no real physical proof of the existence of Bigfoot and its supposed kin. No bones, no bodies, no artifacts or relics of any kind. Named "Bigfoot" for its 17 inch long "footprints."
• "Who's the puffy guy who's the big blurry sex machine?" "Mitchell!" "They say Mitchell is one bad mother--" "Shut your mouth!" "I'm just talking 'bout Mitchell..." - Paraphrase of the lyrics to the theme song from Shaft (1971). The song, all about "Shaft!", was composed and performed by Isaac Hayes and won an Oscar. The original lyrics referred to here are: "Who's the black private dick/That's a sex machine to all the chicks?" To which the back-up singers call out: "Shaft!" Then later: "They say this cat is a bad mother--" "Shut your mouth!" "I'm talkin' 'bout Shaft." "Then we can dig it!" The song was used again for the 2000 follow-up to the original film.
• "Looks like Grendel." - If the word here is, indeed, Grendel, it is most likely a reference to the classic Old English epic poem Beowulf. At one point in the poem, the hero Beowulf slays the monster Grendel (a descendant of Cain, the first murderer according to the Bible). Grendel is a demon of the sea-marsh and lives in a "pestilential swamp." Certainly sounds Mitchell-like.
• "Hey, Linda Evans. That was her pre-Yanni days."
  • Linda Evans (1942- ; born Linda Evanstad) is best known for the role of Krystle Carrington on the prime-time soap "Dynasty" (1981-9). Has also appeared on "The Big Valley" (1965-9) and a number of motion pictures, including a couple of the Kenny Rogers "Gambler" TV movies and, of course, Mitchell. She was married to movie director John Derek (we'll get to him later) from 1968-74, and between 1989 and 1998 dated...
  • ...New Age composer/keyboard artist Yanni (1954- ; born Yanni Chrysomallis). Born in Greece, Yanni moved to the United States at 18 and earned a degree in psychology from the University of Minnesota. He then moved onto a career in music, releasing his first album Keys to Imagination in 1986, and so far acquiring more than 35 gold and platinum records. Like a lot of New Age music, Yanni tends to be way to mellow, leading some people to spell his name Yawni.
• "Yeah, here's your Loser Actor Bouquet." - The first of many references to football player and actor Merlin Olsen (1940- ), who appears in Mitchell as Benson, the less-than-sterling butler. A devout Mormon, Olsen was the L.A. Rams' number-one draft pick in 1962 and was named Rookie of the Year. He was a defensive tackle for the Rams until his retirement from football in 1976. As an actor, he appeared as Jonathan Garvey from 1977-81 on "Little House on the Prairie" (1974-83), and then on his own show, "Father Murphy" (1981-82), as the title character. He was the commercial spokesman for FTD Florists for a while, leading to the many references to flowers, "Pick-Me-Up Bouquets" and the like.
• "It was the third of December/A day I'll always remember..." - First lines of the Temptations' 1972 hit, "Papa Was a Rolling Stone," although it should be September, not December.
• "Looks like he's doing a Nixon." - Richard M. Nixon (1913-94), 37th President of the United States from 1969 until his resignation in 1974, following the Watergate scandal. He is known for raising his arms and making a "V" for "Victory" sign (same as the "peace" sign) with both hands.
• "He looks like a middle-aged Chucky." - Chucky is the ugly, malevolent, living killer doll in the Child's Play movies: Child's Play (1988), Child's Play 2 (1990), the imaginatively named Child's Play 3 (1991) and Bride of Chucky (1998). Yes, they made four of them. Go fig.
• "He looks like the wrathful Buddha." - Buddha was the title (translated as "the enlightened one") given to Indian Prince Gautama Siddhartha (???-483 BC), founder of the Buddhist faith. Although the Buddhist faith is essentially a peaceful one, apparently there is still room in its tenets for the "wrathful" aspects of Buddha, represented by ferocious spirit guides who protect the faithful.
• "He looks like the Moon in A Trip to the Moon." - A Trip to the Moon (1902; original French title, Le voyage dans la lune) was made by French magician Georges Melies. It was possibly the first film to tell anything approximating a story and was certainly the first ever science fiction film. 14 minutes long, it tells the story of a group of scientists who build a spaceship and visit the Moon. When the ship approaches the Moon, it is, like in fairy tales, a huge, smiling, white face. The ship lands in its eye. The scene is parodied in the video for the 1996 Smashing Pumpkins song "Tonight," and as a station identification bit for the Space channel, Canada's science fiction network.
• "Maybe he's doing Tai Chi..." - A Chinese exercise program which has gained much popularity over the last several years. It consists of a series of positions which are strung together into one continuous movement called a "form." A form can include up to 100 movements and take up to 20 minutes to perform.
• "Mitchell's on a corner." - From the song "Freddie's Dead" by Curtis Mayfield. It appeared on Mayfield's soundtrack for the 1972 blaxsploitation film Superfly and does feature a "wocka-chika" background, although more subtly and at a mellower pace that used in the Mitchell theme. The song tells the story of now-deceased junkie Freddie. "Freddie's on the corner now/If you wanna be a junkie, wow/Remember, Freddie's dead."
• "Eegah... Shtemlo..." "Watch out for snakes!" - Reference to the 1963 film Eegah, shown in episode 506. The house here looks like a suburban home seen in the film. The caveman Eegah (Richard Kiel) uses the word "shtelmo" to indicate "sleep." The line "Watch out for snakes!" is from a scene in which three characters walk out of camera shot, into a desert, searching for Eegah. From out of nowhere, someone calls out, "Watch out for snakes!" Although it sounds like one of the characters (played by director Arch Hall Sr.), no real indication is given as to which character is supposed to have said it; it is obvious that it was not actually spoken at the time, but was very poorly dubbed in later. It became one of the guys' favourite running gags as they call out "Watch out for snakes!" at every opportunity.
• "We've hidden Mitchell somewhere in this picture." "Mitchell, will you stand up, please?" - Paraphrase from "Monty Python's Flying Circus" (1969-74), episode #24 (Dec. 8, 1970), the "How Not to be Seen" sketch. People hide in various locales, until they are asked to show themselves. When they do, they get shot. If they continue to hide, they are blown up, instead. Here's a transcript of the skit.
• "The lunatic is on the grass." - The first line of the song "Brain Damage" from Pink Floyd's 1973 album Dark Side of the Moon. At one point when the lyric is repeated, a voice laughs maniacally. This could be why Tom giggles at this point. It could just be because he's having a good time...
• "Johnny Nash breaks into a suburban home." - Johnny Nash (1940- ) was a reggae singer best known for his 1972 hit "I Can See Clearly Now." For the longest time, I thought Tom was saying Johnny Mathis, because of later multiple references (see below), but he definitely says Nash. Perhaps there's a resemblance or maybe the score sounds Nash-ish. Any extra help! would be appreciated.
• "Hey, it's one of the kids from 'Fame.'" - Originally a 1980 motion picture, the television show "Fame" (1982-7) was about the lives of the students about kids at the New York High School of Performing Arts, a school for aspiring actors, musicians and dancers. It had a large ensemble cast (including, for one season, a young Janet Jackson) with a high turn-over rate.
• "Johnny Mathis!" "It's not for me to say..." - Johnny Mathis (1930- ) was one of the most popular easy-listening crooners of all time. Choosing music over a potential Olympic track career, Mathis' ultrasmooth delivery of light hits has made him a perennial favourite, leading to over 60 entries on Billboard's Top Pop Albums charts. The three songs of his which Tom sings in this episode are Mathis' first three Top 40 hits, all from 1957: "Wonderful! Wonderful!" (the lyric "I say to myself, it's wonderful..."), "It's Not For Me To Say" and "Chances Are."
• "The Green Hornet!" - Masked pulp hero created by George Trendle, who also created the Lone Ranger (it has been theorized by some that the Hornet is in fact the Ranger's grand nephew). The Hornet originally appeared on radio in 1936 and has since appeared in most other forms of media: television, movies, comic books, novels, etc. The Green Hornet's true identity was Britt Reid, a newspaper editor and publisher. His trusty sidekick and chauffeur was Kato. The version being referred to here is probably the television series (1966-7) done by the same production company as the camp "Batman" series (1966-8) (they even crossed over once or twice). Many establishing shots showed the Hornet and Kato speeding in their limo to the scene of a crime.
• "Al Noga?" - NFL defensive end. Played for the Minnesota Vikings and the Washington Redskins. He has also played in the Arena Football League for the San Jose SaberCats.
• "Doctor Detroit!" "With songs by Devo, Cutting Crew and Haircut 100."
  • Doctor Detroit (1983) starred Dan Aykroyd as wimpy college professor Clifford Skridlow who is conned into pimping for four prostitutes (yeah, happens to me all the time), one of who was played by Aykroyd's future wife, Donna Dixon. Things don't go well for Cliff until he creates the persona of "Dr. Detroit," and starts raking in the dough. Once the money starts rolling in, he and the girls ride around in limousines a lot, hence the reference here.
  • Devo was one of the leading New Wave bands of the 1970s and 1980s. They are best known for their 1980 mainstream breakthrough hit, "Whip It." They performed two song for Doctor Detroit, including "Theme from Doctor Detroit."
  • Cutting Crew was a British pop group who could not have featured on the Doctor Detroit soundtrack, as they did not form until 1985. Their biggest hit was 1986's "(I Just) Died in Your Arms" off their debut album, Broadcast.
  • Haircut 100 is another 1980s band, formed early enough to appear on the Doctor Detroit soundtrack (in 1980), but they do not actually appear. All-Music describes them as one of "the cleanest and most accessible new wave groups." Their biggest hit was 1982's "Love Plus One."
• "I say to myself, it's wonderful..." - See Johnny Mathis above.
• "A picture of Mo Connolly?" - Maureen "Little Mo" Connolly (1934-69), champion tennis player. The San Diego native had won the U.S. women's singles championship three times by the time she was 19. She won the Grand Slam (U.S., British, Australian and French titles) in 1953, the first woman player to win them all in the same year. Unfortunately, at the peak of her success, she had an accident while horseback riding that ended her career at age 20. She eventually died of cancer.
• "No, not the limited edition 'Star Trek' collector's plates!" - "Star Trek" (1966-9) is, of course, the classic science fiction series showing the adventures of the starship Enterprise and her crew exploring the galaxy. It spawned too many spin-offs and movies to mention here. A number of collector's plates for the various incarnations of the show can be purchased. They feature painted images of characters or ships from the series, so it's possible to eat off of Spock's (Leonard Nimoy) face, if you're into that kind of thing...
• "Hey, Lucas McCain lives here!" - Main character in the western series "The Rifleman" (1958-63), played by Chuck Connors. McCain was an ex-Cavalry soldier turned sheriff for the town of North Fork, New Mexico. He had a specially modified self-cocking Winchester rifle which he could fire in three-tenths of a second.
• "Hey-- oh, a Goldstar..." - Korean-made brand of electronics. Goldstar has a reputation of production some of the cheapest and most poorly made products of the electronics world.
• "Santa?" - This is, of course, a reference to Santa Claus, the North American version of the magical being who delivers toys to children around the world during the Christmas holidays. More specifically, it refers to his tendency to skulk around in the dark in the middle of the night to deliver the booty.
• "...I think maybe the Snoop Sisters are in there." - Ernesta Snoop (Helen Hayes) and Gwendolyn Snoop Nicholson (Mildred Natwick) were a pair of elderly ladies, sisters and mystery writers. First appearing in a 1972 TV movie, and then getting their own show (1973-4), the Snoop Sisters would use their mystery writing expertise to solve crimes they stumbled onto.
• "I'm gonna get a series before Stuart Margolin." - 1970s actor Stuart Margolin (1940- ) appeared in a number of TV series, including three with James Garner: "Nichols" (1971-72), in which he played a man named Mitchell; "The Rockford Files" (1974-80), for which he won a Best Supporting Actor Emmy in 1979 and 1980, playing Evelyn "Angel" Martin; and "Bret Maverick" (1981-82). He also appeared in the famous flop "Mr. Smith" (1983), a show about a talking orangutan. He continued his TV appearances well into the 1990s, including many "Rockford" TV movies, two of which he also directed. Also appeared in many films, including 1966's Women of the Prehistoric Planet (experiment #104).
• "Hey, a gundaroo." - Apparently a play on words, combining "gun" and "Underoos," a popular line of kids' fun underwear from the late '70s. Underoos were designed to look like the costumes of various superheroes, like Superman, Batman or Wonder Woman, complete with cape, when necessary. They always seemed kind of embarrassing to me.
• "Hello, this is Carlton your doorman." - Character played by voice actor Lorenzo Music (also the voice of Garfield on all the Garfield animated specials and series as well as many other cartoon characters) on Valerie Harper's "Rhoda" (1974-78) (a show which Music developed and co-produced). Carlton was never seen and whenever someone called him over the intercom he always re-introduced himself with the above line. Apparently, at the height of "Rhoda"'s popularity, Music recorded a novelty song called "Carlton Your Doorman." There was also a 1980 animated special, Carlton Your Doorman (no surprise there), which was intended as a pilot for a potenetial on-going cartoon. It failed as a pilot, but did receive an Emmy that year for Outstanding Animated Program. And we got to see Carlton. Well kind of; he was only a cartoon.
• "Cedar lattice. Works every time." - This could be a reference to a series of Colt '45 Malt Liquor ads in which actor Billy Dee Williams utters the line, "Works every time." I could use a little help! from anyone who's actually seen the ads.
• "Chances are--huh?" - See Johnny Mathis above.
• "If that's John Saxon, I'm dead." - It is and you are. Actor John Saxon (1936- ; real name Carmen Orrico) has made a career out of playing what can only be described as "John Saxon roles." He has appeared in well over 100 movies, including Enter the Dragon (1973), Battle Beyond the Stars (1980), several Nightmare on Elm Street films and From Dusk Till Dawn (1996). Television appearances include a couple of season on "Dynasty" (1981-9) as Dr. Ted Stuart in "The New Doctors" (1969-73), part of NBC's four-in-one anthology called "The Bold Ones."
• "Meanwhile, on an 'Adam-12' episode not far away..." - Police drama (1968-75) co-created by Jack Webb, who also created and starred in another police drama, "Dragnet" (1952-9). "Adam-12" stressed realism and authenticity, with the main characters Officers Pete Maloy (Martin Milner) and Jim Reed (Kent McCord) responding to several different calls over the course of each episode. "Adam-12" was the patrol car's identification number. A short-lived revival aired 1989-90.
• "C'mon, Mister Two-years-from-'Eischied.'" - See Joe Don Baker above for info on "Eischied." Mitchell actually came out four years before "Eischied" began, not two.
• "Time to call it a day..." - Helper Joseph Lohner has a possible source for this tune. On at least on episode of "The Benny Hill Show" (1969-89) (which Joseph has only seen on a best-of collection), Benny Hill closed the show by singing a little ditty: "Time to say good night my friends/Time to call it a day/.../Or as my friend Shirley Bassey would say..." This apparently concluded with something rude (rude? on "Benny Hill"? no!).
• "My secretary will give you their names and addresses." "And disavow any knowledge of their actions." - Line from the spy adventure series "Mission: Impossible" (1966-73) as well as its later revival (1988-90). The leader of the Impossible Missions Force would receive his instructions via self-destructing tape recorder (or CD in the revival), and those instructions always concluded with the reminder that, "As always, if you or any of you IM Force are caught or killed, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of their actions." The voice on the tapes was supplied by Bob Johnson for both series.
• "He's talking to Commissioner Gordon." - Commissioner James Gordon is comic book hero Batman's oldest supporting character, dating back to the Dark Knight's first appearance in Detective Comics #27 in 1939. He is probably Batman's closest confidante who does not actually know his secret identity. The version being referred to here is from the campy TV series "Batman" (1966-8), in which Gordon is played by Neil Hamilton. He had a direct line to Batman's Batphone, which was pretty much just a red phone at Batman's house.
• "Orson Bean, he's a cop!" - Orson Bean (1928- ; born Dallas Burrows) began as a stand-up comedian in New York and was eventually nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Tony in 1962 for his work in Subways are for Sleeping. He appeared as a guest on "The Tonight Show" (1954- ) over 200 times, and used to occasionally guest-host for Jack Paar. He had a recurring role on "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman" (1993-8) as storekeeper Loren Bray. He also appeared in many films, including Anatomy of a Murder (1959), The Hobbit (1978) (as the voice of Bilbo Baggins), Innerspace (1987) and the delightful Being John Malkovich (1999).
• "They arrested Harlan Ellison!" "Good." - The man being booked in this scene looks a lot like noted science fiction author Harlan Ellison (1934- ), best known for writing the "Star Trek" episode "City On The Edge Of Forever" (generally considered the best Classic Trek episode ever). His classic short stories include "'Repent, Harlequin!' Said the Ticktockman," (1965), "I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream" (1967) and "Jeffty is Five" (1977). Also popular are his Dangerous Visions anthologies of stories and essays (1967, 1972 and the third as yet unpublished). He has also been known to sell Geo automobiles on TV. Joel's reply of "Good!" in response to the news that he's been arrested probably refers to the fact that Ellison can be a bit of a jerk (which may account for his five marriages). He is often rude and very opinionated. He can be quite abrasive towards anyone who doesn't completely agree with him, and was once quoted in Starlog magazine as saying, "If you call me a science-fiction writer in this article, I'll rip your throat out." Despite the fact the he mostly is a SF writer. Guess I'll need that restraining order now... He also worked on "Babylon 5" (1994-8), as "conceptual consultant," whatever that means.
• "He sounds and smells like William Conrad." - William Conrad (1920- ) is well known as the fat man on the crime drama "Jake and the Fatman" (1987-92). He was previously the title character on "Cannon" (1971-76), and narrated lots of television series (he has a great voice), including "The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle" (1961-73), "Buck Rogers in the 25th Century" (1979-81) and "The Fugitive" (1963-7). Conrad's first dramatic TV appearance was in 1958, on an episode of "Bat Masterson" (1958-62).
• "...don't be discouraged, the man don't know..." - From the theme song to "Chico and the Man" (1974-78), starring Freddie Prinze (Chico) and Jack Albertson ("the Man"). I guess the score sounds like the theme at this point.
• "Andy Capp?" "Flo's really gonna be mad, I'm drunk again." - The British comic strip "Andy Capp" was created by Reg Smythe, first appearing in August 1957 and making its North American debut in 1963. The strip celebrates the lighter side of dysfunctional marriages and alcoholism. The title character is a worthless layabout of a husband who drinks, takes his wife Flo for granted, and is usually unemployed, spending all of his free time hanging out and playing pool with friends at the pub. Flo does all the work, both in and out of the house and frequently has to drag Andy home. The character here is wearing a cap in the style of Andy's. The strip is currently owned by United Media and seems to be still going strong.
• "I'm the chubby blue line!" - Should be the "thin blue line," a common name for the police force. The phrase is a variation on the "thin red line," meant to describe a small group of courageous people that defend an area or principle and refuse to yield to any attack. The phrase was first used by writer Walter Russell to describe British troops (who wore red uniforms) in the Crimean War.
• "Merlin Olsen hadn't found his instrument yet." - First time Merlin is mentioned by name. See above.
• "He seems down; I'll send him a 'Pick-Me-Up' Bouquet." - More Merlin and FTD. See above.
• "Somewhere, an Indian is crying." - Refers to a series of American public service television announcements encouraging people not to litter. A Native American man, upon seeing the ruin brought upon the land by the white man, stands silently as a tear runs down his face.
• "I'm gonna call Lady Bird Johnson." - "Lady Bird" Johnson (1912- ) was the wife of Lyndon B. Johnson, U.S. President from 1963-69. Born Claudia Alta Taylor, she had the nickname "Lady Bird" since a child. She was an avid conservationist and environmentalist, forming the First Lady's Committee for a More Beautiful Capital during her husband's time in the White House. In later years, she founded the Lady Bird Johnson Wildflower Center and served on the Board of the National Geographic Society.
• "Fluffernutter!" - Fluffernutters are a... unique snack once popular among American children. It's a sandwich made with Marshmallow Fluff (a white, sticky, sweet substance the consistency of roofing tar) and peanut butter. Mmm.
• "I'm King Hussein." - King Hussein (1935-99) was leader of the Middle Easter nation of Jordan. He led that country from 1953 until his death from Lymphatic cancer, at which point he was succeeded by his son Abdullah. There's a bit of a resemblance here.
• "Goodnight, John Boy." - At the end of most episodes of the Depression Era drama "The Waltons" (1972-81), the characters called out goodnight to each other as they turned in, including one of the sons, John Boy Walton (Richard Thomas, later Robert Wightman).
• "Almost time for 'Silk Stalkings.'" - I have never seen an episode of the crime drama "Silk Stalkings" (1991-9), but here's a very entertaining plot summary from the Internet Movie Database: "This is the story of two detectives who cannot wear clothing that is not either pastel or neon. Under the tutelage [sic] of their Captain, the twain fight crime (with a %100 success rate) in situations that always seem to revolve around sex clubs, sex crimes, sex rings, sex cults, or sex publishers who all live in neon-colored homes and who are all fabulously gorgeous, wealthy, and witty." Sounds like a winner. Originally part of CBS's "CrimeTime after Primetime" line-up.
• "Hi, Larry, I love your show!" - Refers to CNN's popular phone-in news show, "Larry King Live" (1985- ), hosted by Larry King. He has celebrity guests, authors, and politicians on the show, and viewers can call in to ask them questions. They often begin their remarks by saying something unimaginative to the effect of, "Hi, Larry, I love your show!"
• "Loved you in The Taking of Pelham One Two Three." - 1974 film featuring Martin Balsam (see below), seen here, about a subway car being taken hostage.
• "You want the radio. King Biscuit Flower Hour's on." - Syndicated radio program featuring an hour of live music, with a different band each week. The show began Feb. 18, 1973 (featuring Blood Sweat & Tears, the Mahavishnu Orchestra, and Bruce Springsteen), and has since done well over 1,000 episodes.
• "What's on the water?" "Smoke." - Reference to the Deep Purple 1972 hit, "Smoke on the Water."
• "'Cause that's the way Mister Gallano wants it." "Uh-huh! Uh-huh!" - From the 1975 #1 hit by K.C. and the Sunshine Band, "That's the Way (I Like It)." The oh-so-witty chorus goes, "That's the way, uh-huh uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh uh-huh!" The band admits that the song represents the conversation between two people while having sex.
• "Hey, look, an Applebee's..." - American chain of medium-priced family restaurants. There are over 800 Applebee's Neighborhood Grill & Bar restaurants across the United States. Many of them are filled with local memorabilia, to give it that "neighborhood" kind of quality.
• "You can't handle the truth!" - Line from the 1992 film A Few Good Men. Jack Nicholson plays Col. Nathan Jessup, the commanding officer of a military base where one Marine was killed by two others. Jessup doesn't want the truth of the whole matter to come out, but, in court, he is confronted with what actually happened by Lt. Dan Kaffee (Tom Cruise). When Kaffee demands the "truth," Jessup snaps and yells at him, "You can't handle the truth!"

Host Segment 2 - "They're going to kill Joel!"

• "Action Jackson is my name!" - The Action Jackson line of action figures was produced by Mego during the 1970s as their answer Hasbro's G.I. Joe toys. The AJ line was smaller and less expensive and had a number of costumes available, including an army outfit, baseball player, secret agent and a western outfit. The line sung by the boys is from the commercial jingle. "Action Jackson is my name/Bold adventure is my game./Think of what you want to be and call on me."
• The conversation between Frank and Dr. F while Gypsy watches intently is a homage to a scene in the 1968 science-fiction classic 2001: A Space Odyssey. Astronauts Dave Bowman (Keir Dullea) and Frank Poole (Gary Lockwood), concerned about the increasingly erratic behaviour of ship's computer HAL 9000 (voiced by Douglas Rain), want to discuss the problem without being overheard. They lock themselves in a travel pod, where HAL cannot hear them. However, he is able to read their lips. The scene shows close-ups of the astronauts' lips as HAL zips back and forth between the two speakers. This is intercut with tighter and tighter close-up shots of HAL electronic eye, which Gypsy's eye resembles.
• "Elegant... painful..." "and leaves nothing behind but the great smell of Brut." - A popular men's fragrance since 1964 which has used the phrase "the great smell of Brut" in their advertising.

Movie Act 2

• "This week's practical joke - the victim, John Saxon." - From "TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes" (1984-86), wherein celebrities would be humiliated by elaborate practical jokes played on them by their "friends." The show was hosted by Dick Clark and former "Tonight Show" second banana Ed McMahon, whom Tom is doing an impression of here. As implied by the title, the show also featured bloopers from television and film.
• "Do you know who did it? Have you figured it out yet?" - From the "Ellery Queen" TV show, which has had no less than four different incarnations (1950-2, 1954-7, 1958-9, 1975-6; some had slightly different titles), and multiple leads in the role of Ellery Queen. Each episode of the detective show would end with Ellery Queen addressing the TV audience and asking some variation of the above question.
• "Liquid metal." - From the very successful SF action film Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991) about killer robots from the future attempting to change history to their advantage. The good Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger) uses the term to describe the bad Terminator's (Robert Patrick), or T-1000's, construction. The T-1000 does take on a flowing metallic form at points during the film, especially when about to shape-change.
• "Reynolds Wrap. Keeps freshness in, can't keep Mitchell out." - Reynolds Wrap is a popular brand of aluminum foil. TV ads for the product featured the phrase "Keeps freshness in, keeps food odor out."
• "Oh, you're a holiday..." - The first line of the Bee Gees' 1967 hit, "Holiday," which the score sounds a little like at this point.
• "Melmac? Why would he be collecting Melmac?" - Brand of durable dinnerware first made popular in the 1950s. Made of melamine plastic. The Alien Life Form (Paul Fusco) from the SF sit-com "Alf" (1986-90) came from a planet named Melmac.
• "Keith Haring was here." - American artist (1958-90). Haring's art, which he would put on a number of surfaces, not just canvas, featured simplified, almost stick-like figures, sort of like the chalk outline here, only more filled out. Some examples can be seen at www.haring.com. Towards the end of his life, a lot of his art was used in support of victims of AIDS, a disease he himself contracted and eventually died of.
• "That means the victim was Jack Valenti." - Jack Valenti (1921- ) is president and CEO of the Motion Picture Association of America. He was a pilot during WWII, has published several books and essays and was at times involved in politics (he was a member of John F. Kennedy's Dallas motorcade when Lee Harvey Oswald shot JFK). It seems he was on the short side, like the body outline in the scene.
• "Why are they playing 'Nadia's Theme'?" "They're young and restless." - The score here sounds much like the theme from the TV soap opera "The Young and the Restless" (1973- ). Composed by Barry DeVorzen and Perry Botkin, Jr., it originally featured in the 1971 film Bless the Beasts and the Children, when it was called "Cotton's Theme." Gymnast Nadia Comaneci used it for her routine during the 1976 Olympic Games and since then it has been popularly know as "Nadia's Theme."
• "A cloistered life is not for me." - A Helper calling themselves Library Guest suggests that this might be a reference to The Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer. In this 14th century work, Chaucer criticises the English church of his day, using, in particular, the tale of the Monk, whose actions often contravene the monastic vow of leading a cloistered life and devoting oneself to studies.
• "It's Fish!" - Character from the police sit-com "Barney Miller" (1975-82) played by Abe Vigoda. Fish was the old veteran cop on the verge of retirement who was always suffering from some ailment, most often plain tiredness. After two seasons, Fish did retire and got his own spin-off, "Fish" (1977-8), in which he and his wife Bernice (Florence Stanley) ran a home for juvenile delinquents.
• I couldn't make out what Joel said after the "We can't name a series after you" gag. A couple of possibilites:
  • Helper Stephanie Hall thinks he says, "Hey, it looks like a guy from a David Brooks film." She's not sure why he looks like a guy from a David Brooks film "other than the fact that he had a generally dull and beefy look about him." Can we get further help! Born in 1947, Brooks has appeared in films like 1986's Manhunter (the original Hannibal Lechter movie adaptation), The Doors (1991) and Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Killer Mutant Snowman (2000). He was also a regular on the "Babylon 5" spin-off series "Crusade" (1999).
  • On the other hand, Helper John Keat thinks it's really "he looks like a guy from a Dave Berg cartoon." Berg (1920-2002) was a regular cartoonist for Mad magazine, contributing such strips as "The Lighter Side" and "Dave Berg Looks At..." Many of his characters had loud, checked jackets, like the fella in the film.
• "Every Federal law violation!" - Said forcefully like this, this could be reference to a running gag during the Johnny Carson/Ed McMahon era of "The Tonight Show." Johnny would read from a list of common items, such as phobias, odd laws, or the like. Then, after Johnny read finished reading the list, Ed would say something to the effect of, "That seems like a pretty complete list. I'll bet that every [whatever] you could imagine is listed there. I'm sure that every single [whatever] in the world is right there on that piece of paper in your hands!" Johnny would beg to differ, usually insulting Ed and then move on to humourous, made-up additions to the list. Or it may be a reference to something else I'm missing entirely. If so, help!
• "It's almost time for Bozo." - The character of Bozo the Clown was created in 1946 by Alan W. Livingston for Capitol Record. Originally featuring only on story-telling records and in read-along books, it wasn't long until Bozo was given his own television show, starting as early as 1949, under a variety of names. The show was originally done at a number of local stations across the U.S., each with its own actor playing Bozo (including future "Today" (1952- ) weatherman Willard Scott in Washington, DC). By 1966, Bozo appeared on over 240 stations, with one man (Frank Avruch) as the clown. It is now carried by Chicago's WGN superstation; the waiting list for tickets is five years long.
• "Bo Derek!" "Well, Linda Evans, actually." - Actress Bo Derek (1956- ; born Kathleen Collins) and Linda Evans (see above) were both married to film director John Derek (see next entry) and do vaguely resemble each other, hence the "confusion" here. Bo made her film debut in 1977's Orca and gained world-wide fame for her next role in 10 (1979). Other films include the truly embarrassing Tarzan, the Ape Man (1981), Bolero (1984) and Tommy Boy (1995).
• "Where's John Derek?" - John Derek (1926-98; born Derek Harris) began as an actor in the 1940s, '50s, and '60s, mostly in costume epics and B-grade films. He later turned to directing, including some real stinkers, mostly featuring his last wife, Bo Derek (see above), in various states of undress, like Tarzan, the Ape Man (1981) and Bolero (1984). Over the years, he was married to actresses Ursula Andress (from 1957-66), Linda Evans (see above) (from 1968-74), and, as mentioned, Bo Derek (from 1977 until his death in 1998).
• "Uncle Fester?" - Character from the assorted incarnations of "The Addams Family." Uncle Fester (family name Frump) was bald, pale and just as weird as the rest of the Addams. He could make light-bulbs work by sticking them in his mouth, loved pain and sometimes wore shaggy coats like the one Linda Evans wears in this scene. He was lovable, in a repulsive kind of way. Played by Jackie Coogan in the original TV show (1964-66), Christopher Lloyd in the feature films (1991 and 1993) and Michael Roberds in the surprisingly good revival series, "The New Addams Family" (1998).
• "This is so embarrassing, he's playing a Kitaro album." - New Age keyboard artist Kitaro (1953- ) was born Masanori Takahashi. After teaching himself to play electric guitar, he switched to synthesizers in 1972 when he was turned on to them during a trip to Europe. He also picked his stage name, which translates as "man of love and joy." He was more or less unknown in North America until he signed a lucrative contract with Geffen Records in 1983. It would, of course, be embarrassing to play something by him in front of Linda Evans, because she dated another New Ager, Yanni.
• "Sorry about the porn; there's a Kilgore Trout piece in there." - Kilgore Trout is a fictional science-fiction author invented by real-life SF author Kurt Vonnegut. He appears in several of Vonnegut's works, including Slaughterhouse Five (1969) and Timequake (1997). He is an unsuccessful writer, with most of his short stories published in porn magazines. In 1975, another SF author, Philip Jose Farmer, published the novel Venus on the Half-Shell under the guise of Trout.
• "I got these at Conoco's. They got Dick Butkus on 'em."
  • Conoco was founded by Isaac Elder Blake of Utah in 1875 as the Continental Oil and Transporatation Company; the company supplied American West settlers with kerosene, candles and wax. Today, it is a large chain of gas stations; they often have cheap giveaways to get people to come in, like collector's glasses or NASCAR memorabilia.
  • Football player Dick Butkus (1942- ) was an aggressive linebacker for the Chicago Bears (1965-73). He was elected to the NFL Hall of Fame in 1979 and has been a radio and TV announcer for the NFL.
• "It's Bugsy Malone!" - Title character of the 1976 film Bugsy Malone, played by Scott Baio. A musical tribute to old gangster movies, its cast was completely made up of kids, and nobody ever got shot. Instead, all firearms threw various sizes of cream pies. Also starred a young Jodie Foster and featuring songs by Paul Williams.
• "Mobsters laughing, really smiling, a man selling heroin..." - Sung to the tune of Chicago's "Saturday in the Park," from the 1972 album Chicago V. The original lyric is, "People dancing, people laughing, a man selling ice cream."
• "Where's Ruth Buzzi?" - Refers to a recurring character from the sketch comedy show "Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In" (1968-73) played by comedienne Ruth Buzzi (1936- ). Buzzi played a rather homely woman sitting alone on a park bench. An old man, played by fellow cast member Arte Johnson, would sidle up to her and say something easily interpreted as dirty. In response, she would beat him repeatedly with her umbrella, sometimes chasing him around.
• "Now it's your turn." "To be what you can be!" - Refers to one of the United States Army's recruiting slogans: "Be all that you can be."
• "I'm almost Anthony Quinn." - Respected film actor (1915-2001 ) who appeared in well over 100 movies. Irish-Mexican by birth, he had a short career as a prizefighter before entering motion pictures in 1936. Films include Road to Morocco (1942), The Ox-Bow Incident (1943), Lust for Life (1956), Lawrence of Arabia (1962) and Zorba the Greek (1964). Also appeared as Zeus, King of the Gods in the 1994 TV movies leading up to the series "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys" (1995-9).
• "Was Merlin ever in the Dave Clark Five?" - 1960s British group, about the only serious threat to the Beatles popularity during the "British Invasion." There were five members at a time, and one of them was Dave Clark. Merlin Oslen was not a member, but the suit and cap he's wearing here are reminiscent of those worn by the group.
• "Is your friend ready?"..."Who, Rosey Greir?" - Roosevelt "Rosey" Greir (1932- ) was an All-Pro defensive tackle for American football teams including the Los Angeles Rams and the New York Giant. At some point, was teammates with Merlin Olsen (see above), also a defensive tackle. Greir, like Merlin, acted for a while, with his most infamous role being one of the two heads in The Thing with Two Heads (1972).
• "This makes Driving Miss Daisy look like Bullitt."
  • Driving Miss Daisy (1989) tell the tale of the relationship between a proper, elderly old Southern woman (Jessica Tandy) and her black chauffeur (Morgan Freeman). He, of course, drives fairly slowly, because she is elderly and proper.
  • On the other hand, Bullitt (1968), starring Steve McQueen as a police detective, has a classic, action-packed high-speed car chase scene through the streets of San Francisco.
• "And today, 3M is a vibrant company..." - 3M is a major American-based manufacturer and distributor of office supplies, like scotch tape, post-it notes and really poorly designed library book remagnetizers (don't get me started). The 3 "M"s stand for Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing Co. The music at this point in Mitchell sound very much like the music used in bad promotional films that a lot of companies make to extol their virtues.
• "The only really exciting thing is that Vanishing Point is being filmed on the other side of the canyon." - 1971 film about a guy (Barry Newman) trying to deliver a supercharged Dodge Challenger from Denver, Colorado to San Francisco, California in less than 15 hours, all on a bet. He leads the police on a merry chase across the country, while flashing back to re-examine his life.
• "They're using the light rock for the chase scene, rather than the grunge sound." - The grunge genre of music grew out of the indie-music scene of the 1980s and came into its own during the early 1990s, especially in the Seattle, Washington area, with such bands as Nirvana and Soundgarden.
• "Larry Miller!" - Very funny stand-up comedian and actor (1953- ). Miller's five stages of drinking bit is a classic. Movie appearances including Pretty Woman (1990), L.A. Story (1991), The Nutty Professor (1996) and its 2000 follow-up, Nutty Professor II: The Klumps and Best in Show (2000). He has also supplied cartoon voices for the Pointy-Haired Boss on "Dilbert" (1999-2000) and the wise-cracking robot XR on "Buzz Lightyear of Star Command" (2000- ).
• "A hot-rod Ben-Hur." - The Academy-award winning epic Ben-Hur (1959; previous versions in 1907 and 1925) tells the story of Judah Ben-Hur (Charlton Heston), a rich Jewish prince living in the time of Christ. He is forced into slavery on a galley for a crime her did not commit and sets about to escape and avenge himself. The scene referred to here is the massive chariot race, considered one of the greatest movie sequences ever filmed. The scene is over 10 minutes long and featured some of the best, most grueling stunt work ever done.
• "Hey, cut out that Rockford music, I'm Mitchell!" - The score here sounds a lot like the incidental music to "The Rockford Files" (1974-80), starring James Garner as a usually down-on-his-luck private eye recently released from prison for a crime he didn't commit.
• "Rudy?" "Tooty." - The Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity meal is a breakfast available from the International House of Pancakes restaurant chain. It comes with 2 eggs, 2 strips of bacon, 2 sausage links and 2 buttermilk pancakes, topped with whipped topping and your choice of blueberry, strawberry or cinnamon-apple topping. Gee, I'm hungry...
• "Who have we got on our side?" "Ghostbusters!" - The 1984 hit film Ghostbusters was about a group of scientists who become professional ghost exterminators. It was followed by a number of cartoons and a 1989 sequel. The #1 hit theme song from the movie, by Ray Parker, Jr., featured the almost-annoyingly repeated refrain, "Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters!" It got to the point where, when someone said, "Who are you going to call?" you had to fight with all your will not to call out, "Ghostbusters!"

Host Segment 3 - Gypsy needs a plan

• "OEP... EOP... POE..." - In the nuclear war satire, Dr. Strangelove, Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964), a three-letter recall code is desperately needed to prevent a plane from dropping nuclear bombs on Russia and starting World War III. It is eventually discovered that the code lies in an interlocking pattern of the phrases "Peace On Earth" and "Purity Of Essence." The phrases appear over and over in a pattern a lot like the one on Gypsy's board. The code must be a combination of the letters E, O and P (it turns out to be OEP).
• "Have you seen my Inside the PGA around here?"..."It's got this great article on Fuzzy Zoeller."
  • The Professional Golfers' Association of America, or PGA was formed in 1916 and eventually grew to be one of the largest sports organizations in the world. They may publish a magazine called Inside the PGA. I can't find out for certain and you probably don't really care.
  • One of the great professional golfers, Frank "Fuzzy" Zoeller (1951- ) has to date won 10 PGA Tour victories. He got into a bit of hot water a few years back after making some racist remarks about fellow golfer Tiger Woods.
• "Okay, 'Hardcastle and McCormick.'" "Ride! Drive like the demon that drives your dream!" - The series "Hardcastle and McCormick" (1983-6) was about retired judge "Hardcase" Hardcastle (Brian Keith) and released convict "Skid" McCormick (Daniel Hugh-Kelly) joining together to solve crimes and help others with silly nicknames (no, not really on that last bit). The theme, "Drive," was written by Mike "80s TV Theme Songs" Post; the proper lyric is, "Drive! Drivin' like the demon that drives your beat."
• "How about 'Bonanza,' including the lyrics!"..."It's all right if I pick a little fight, Bonanza!" - The popular western TV series "Bonanza" (1959-73) starred Lorne Greene as Ben Cartwright, with Pernell Roberts, Dan Blocker and Michael Landon as his sons Adam, "Hoss" and "Little Joe." The Cartwrights worked their thousand-acre Ponderosa Ranch in frontier Nevada. The series was revived through a few TV movies in the 1980s and 90s. The main theme did have lyrics, which were never used on the show, except for the pilot, when the Cartwrights belted out a truly painful rendition (save Pernell Roberts, who wisely stayed out of the whole thing). Here's a copy of the complete lyrics.

Movie Act 3

• It's almost impossible to make out, but around this point, Tom seems to mumble the name of actor Earl Holliman (1928- ), mostly of "Police Woman" (1974-8) fame, whom the driver resembles.
• "Daryl Gates on his day off." - Gates (1926- ) was chief of the Los Angeles Police Department from 1978-92. He pioneered the United States' first SWAT team and the use of helicopters to combat street crime. His reputation was tarnished when, in 1991, a number of LAPD officers beat Rodney King, apparently because he was black. Gates defended the LAPD against charges of racism, but resigned in disgrace the following year. Gates also help design a series of computer games from Sierra Studios, "Police Quest: SWAT."
• "Oh no! Mr. Trevino's been hit again!" - Another great golfer, Lee Trevino (1939- ) has won 27 PGA Tour victories and, as of this writing, 29 Senior PGA Tour victories. At this time, he ranks 31st in the All-Time Money List.
• "Booker's a good cop!" - Originally "Hooker's a good cop!" from "T.J. Hooker" (1982-87), a cop show starring William "Captain Kirk" Shatner. Hooker (Shatner) was one of those TV cops who bucked authority but got the job done (where have I heard that recently?), often by blowing up cars in chase scenes. He'd get in trouble and the powers that be would need to be reminded that "Hooker's a good cop!"
• "Bocca... Bocca..." "Who's got the Bocca?" - Take on the name of a children's game, "Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?," which involves finding a hidden button (duh).
• "My dinner with Mitchell." - Take on the title of the 1981 film My Dinner with Andre. One of those love-it-or-hate-it films, it features Wallace Shawn and Andre Gregory as Wally, a playwright turned actor, and Andre, a former theatre director, sharing their lives and their philosophies about life over the course of an evening meal in a restaurant. Shawn and Gregory scripted the film and essentially play themselves.
• "It's 'The Servant,' by Harold Pinter." - English playwright Harold Pinter (1930- ) began his career as a repertory actor, before trying his hand at poetry and finally moving on to writing drama (beginning with 1957's The Room). The Servant (1962) tells of a servant and his master. The servant, contemptuous of his master, uses his expanding powers over his master. The master steadily loses his authority and essentially becomes enslaved by his "employee." The play was adapted, by Pinter, into a 1963 film with Dirk Bogarde as the servant and James Fox as his employer.
• "Geez, those Jehova's Witnesses are getting tough." - Religious sect formed by Charles Taze Russel in 1872 as the International Bible Student Association. Became the Jehova's Witnesses in 1931. They are well known for the zealous promotion of their belief, handing out literature (such as their magazine, "Watchtower") and going door-to-door. Also known for their refusal to celebrate birthdays, Christmas or other holidays and to participate in blood transfusions, even at the cost of their own lives. Essentially a Christian group, they keep forecasting Christ's return (first in 1874, then in 1914), but he hasn't shown yet...
• "Sorry, bud, we thought you were Rockford." - On "The Rockford Files" (see above), Jim Rockford, was often beat up by the bad guys.
• "Well, old Mitchell sure got hisself hogtied and railroaded there." - Said in the style of the narrator (Waylon Jennings) on "The Dukes of Hazzard" (1979-85), the popular series about two fun-loving cousins, Bo and Luke Duke (John Schneider and Tom Wopat) and the trouble they cause for the dim-witted and corrupt lawmen of Hazzard County. Yee-haw.
• "He's sleeping with Helen Keller." - At the age of 19 months, Helen Keller (1880-1968) was struck blind and deaf by a fever. With the help of teacher Anne Sullivan, and through great courage and effort, Keller learned to effectively communicate with the world around her despite her handicaps. For much or her life, she led humanitarian efforts to improve the lives of the disabled. She would "see" people's faces by feeling them with her hands, much as Linda Evans is doing to Mitchell here. (Shudder.)
• "Oh, how I long for The Burning Bed right now." - 1984 TV movie starring Farrah Fawcett in an Emmy-nominated performance. She plays a severely abused wife. One night, he rapes her and, fed up, she sets fire to his bed... while he's it in.
• "A vase, or two faces?" - Refers to the common optical illusion picture that seems to flip back and forth from being a vase and two facial profiles.
• "Um, how about some BTO?" - BTO is the abbreviated name of Canadian rock group Bachman-Turner Overdrive. They were originally called Brave Belt, changing their name in 1972. There were two (later three) Bachman brothers and a Turner in the band, hence the name. Hits include "Takin' Care of Business" (1973), "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" (1974) and "Jamaica" (1979).
• "And I still don't have any Tic Tacs." - Tic Tacs are tiny little "breath mints" that supposedly freshen your breath for and hour and a half. Well, they're just little candies that help for about 10 or 12 minutes. Tops.
• "I wanted a Super Soaker." - Ridiculously over-powered water gun produced by Hasbro. They're mostly powered by air-pressure, so the more you pump it up before firing, the stronger the water stream.
• "My Mitchell. I think I'll keep him." - In 1971, an ad campaign for Geritol (a vitamin supplement for older folks) used the amazingly sexist phrase, "My wife. I think I'll keep her."
• "'Sirens'!" - The cop show "Sirens" (1993-5) was about three female police officers in the Pittsburgh Police Department.
• "Nobody asked for a prostitute! Take her right away!" - Possible reference to the 1930 Marx Brothers comedy Animal Crackers. At an elegant soiree for African explorer Captain Spaulding (Groucho Marx), the hostess, Mrs. Rittenhouse (Margaret Dumont), cries out, "Three cheers for Captain Spauling!" The Professor (Harpo Marx) promptly bring in three chairs. Mrs. Rittenhouse scolds the Professor by saying, in her cultured, upper-crust voice, "No one ask for a chair. Put them right where you found them."
• "At Beneficial... you're good for more..." - From an old TV ad for Beneficial insurance. It originally went, "At Beneficial... [honk-honk from a car horn] you're good for more..."
• "The declining years of Lee Majors." - Lee Majors (1939- ; born Harvey Lee Yearly) has had a long career in both film and television, but he is better remembered for his TV work. He has appeared on shows including the western "The Big Valley" (1965-9) and as the main characters on both "The Six Million Dollar Man" (1974-8) (and its many TV movie follow-ups) and "The Fall Guy" (1981-6). In a nice bit of casting, he has also had a recurring role on "V.I.P." (1998- ) as Valerie Irons' (Pamela Anderson) father. If he were puffy and out of shape, he'd look sort of like Joe Don.
• "So, tell me Merlin, do you know Roman Gabriel?" - More football humour. Roman Gabriel was a professional football player for 16 years, as quarterback for the Los Angeles Rams and the Philadelphia Eagles. He won multiple MVP (Most Valuable Player) awards and, after retiring in 1977, did some sports commentating and owned two minor league baseball teams. He did a little acting, appearing in a handful of television episodes and two motion pictures: Skiddo (1968) and the Civil War drama The Undefeated (1969), which also featured Merlin Olsen.
• "Movin' on up!" "Weezie!" - Refers to "Moving on Up," the opening theme of the sit-com "The Jeffersons" (1975-85), a spin-off of "All in the Family" (1971-9) in which a black family, the Jeffersons moves into a predominately white apartment building. Racial hijinks ensue. The opening credit sequence shows, from behind, George Jefferson (Sherman Helmsley) and his wife Louise (Isabel Sandford) entering the lobby of their new digs; George sort of struts his way in the way the characters in the movie do here. "Weezie" was George's pet name for his wife Louise.
• "This way..." "...Wall Drug." - Wall Drug is the main drugstore in the town of Wall, South Dakota, with a rustic decor, in the style of a frontier town. They sell everything from penny candy to jewelry made from gold from the nearby Black Mountains. Founded in 1931, business was kind of slow, although hopes were high that things would improve once the Mount Rushmore monument was completed. In an effort to improve business, the owners decided to give away free ice water (a big deal in those days) and put up signs in an effort to attract people off the beaten track. This was a huge success, until the signs kept getting further and further away, until you could see signs in, for example, Chicago, Illinois, saying, "Wall Drug - 1000 miles." Most of the signs are unique, often containing phrases like "This way: Wall Drug." Some visitors to the now city-block-sized drug store have purchased signs and put them up in their home towns, so that Wall Drug signs now appear in places like Moscow and the Antarctic.
• "It's a Shriner's car!" - The Shriners fraternity is an off-shoot of the Freemasons organization. They are mostly known for their charitable work with the Shriners Hospitals for Children, wearing fezes and driving funny little red cars during parades.
• "She's got a David Cassidy haircut." - 1970s teen heartthrob David Cassidy is best known for his role as Keith Partridge on the "family-as-band" series "The Partridge Family" (1970-4). Girls went bonkers for him. Probably used words like "dreamy" to describe him. Everyone loved his hair. One of the few actors on the show who actually sang his own vocals, Cassidy had a successful solo music career during the "Partridge" era, but faded away for a while. He eventually revived his music career, recording and touring into the 21st century. He had his own short lived cop show, "David Cassidy - Man Undercover" (1978-9) and wrote an autobiography about his time on "The Partridge Family" called C'Mon, Get Happy... (1994).
• "She's gonna write 'redrum' on his windshield." - From the 1977 Stephen King novel The Shining and the 1980 movie and 1997 TV mini-series based on the novel. The little boy psychically senses the killings which have taken place in the hotel which is the story's setting, compelling him to chant "redrum" ("murder" in reverse) and write the word on walls and such.
• "So are you ready to join Hair Club yet?" - Refers to the Hair Club for Men, a hair replacement system. The company's president is Sy Sperling, who is not just the president, but, according to the TV ads, a customer too.
• "I usually take it with a Ding Dong in it..." - A chocolate covered, creme filled cake produced by Hostess, the people who brought you Twinkies. First produced in 1967, it was named after the chiming bells used in its first TV ads.
• "Booze is good food." - One ad campaign for Campbell's Soup urges people to "Bring on the Campbell's" because "Soup is good food."
• "You really think so?" "I'm turning Japanese." - From the 1980 song, "Turning Japanese", by the Vapors. The chorus exclaims, "I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so."
• "I arrange a $100 company in your name." "You mean Orion?" - Motion picture company Orion Pictures had severe financial difficulties during the mid-1990s after a series of business failures and unsuccessful movies, eventually declaring bankruptcy. They were bought up by MGM Studios in April 1997.
• "I'm Rosalind Russell." - Film and stage actress (1907-76). She was signed by both MGM and Universal in 1934, having tested for both simultaneously and, feigning ignorance about how Hollywood worked, convinced Universal to release her, allowing her to take MGM's better offer. Her first big role was The Women (1939), after which she began her series of screwball comedy "boss lady" roles as the star reporter in His Girl Friday the next year. Other films included Picnic (1955) and Auntie Mame (1958). She was nominated for Oscars several times over the course of her career and won a Tony for Wonderful Town in 1953. Russel also wrote the screenplay for The Unguarded Moment (1956), starring Esther Williams in a non-swimming role, and featuring John Saxon (see above).
• "Is that a Slim Jim?" - Slim Jims are a uniquely American snack. They are essentially long, thin sticks of beef (or a reasonable facsimile thereof), which I believe come in a variety of flavours (Bar-B-Q, Smoked, etc.).
• "I think B.G. Thomas is in his room!" - That should be B.J. Thomas (1942- ). Had a dozen or so top 40 hits in the "easy listening" genre, including the original "Hooked on a Feeling" (1968), "Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head" (from the 1969 film Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid) and (deep breath here) "(Hey Won't You Play) Another Somebody Done Somebody Wrong Song" (1975).
• "Gonna strip down to his underwear and watch McQ." - 1974 film starring John Wayne as Seattle police Lt. Lon McQ, tracking down the killers of his best friend.
• "Adam Rich?!" - Child actor (1968- ) who played young Nicholas Bradford on "Eight is Enough" (1977-81). He also appeared in the 1981 film The Devil and Max Devil, did a voice for the cartoon "Dungeons & Dragons" (1983) and appeared in two "Eight is Enough" reunion TV movies in 1987 and 1989. Rich was your standard 1970s child actor, smoking marijuana at age 10, dropping out of high school at 17, and getting arrested several times between 1983-91 for drugs, shoplifting and breaking and entering.
• "Tonight on 'Crossfire'!" - Started in 1982, "Crossfire" is a current events debate, currently shown on CNN. Often features guests on the "left" and "right" ends of the political spectrum. Regulars have included Pat Buchanan and John Sununu.
• "The inspiration for Cop and a Half." - 1993 "comedy" starring Burt Reynolds as a cop who gets a young black kid as his new partner, to help him bust a drug ring. Hijinks ensue. Pretty pathetic.
• "Did you ever have to make up your mind?" "The Lovin' Handful." - The score sounds a little like the 1966 #2 Lovin' Spoonful hit, "Did You Ever Have to Make Up Your Mind?" "Lovin' spoonful" is apparently a reference to an average man's quantity of... um... discharge. Joel is just being a little more blatant (and generous) by upping it to a "handful." Ew. Bad Joel, bad!
• "He's no Claude Akins, but what a butt!" - Actor Claude Akins (1926-94) is best known for his TV work, including the role of Sheriff Lobo on "B.J. and the Bear" (1979-81) and its spin-off, "The Misadventures of Sherrif Lobo" (1979-81). He appeared in Master Ninja I, which was watched by the boys for episode #322 and, apparently, for some reason Joel and the Bots make a lot of jokes about his butt in that episode.
• "Sweet Adeline...." - Written in 1903 by Richard H. Gerard and Harry Armstrong, this song (whose full title is "You're the Flower of My Heart, Sweet Adeline") has become a standard barbershop quartet number. Several all-female barbershop groups have even called themselves the Sweet Adelines. Try here for a sing-along! The guys are singing the song because of the barrels passing through the shot. In the 1931 Marx Brothers comedy Monkey Business, the Brothers stow away aboard a ship at sea in barrels. We find them in those barrels in the cargo hold at the beginning of the film and, apparently to pass the time, sing "Adeline," albeit somewhat muffled.
• "Take me to Wendy's, I'm meeting Clara Peller."
  • Wendy's is a popular American fast food chain, whose main claims to fame are their square hamburgers and their ads featuring founder Dave Thomas. Thomas named the chain after his daughter.
  • Clara Peller (1903-87) was an elderly actress best known for the "Where's the beef?" TV ads for Wendy's during the early 1980s. Peller would enter a rival fast food chain and be served a puny little burger, to which she would demand angrily, "Where's the beef?" She was fired after she did another ad for a spaghetti sauce. Peller appeared in two films, Moving Violations (1985) and The Stuff (1985) (in a parody of the "Beef?" ad).
• "Scarface didn't do that much at once." - Refers to the 1983 film Scarface (a remake of a 1932 film of the same name). Al Pacino stars as Cuban immigrant Tony "Scarface" Monatan who builds a drug-dealing empire in Miami. Tony does drugs himself. Lots. Like the scene where he slams his face into a pile of coke and just breathes it straight in.
• "Quality's job one, yep." - "Quality is Job One" is the one of the slogans for the Ford Motor Company.
• "OK, guys, I call no singing the 'Gilligan's Island' theme." - One of the most popular TV shows of all time, "Gilligan's Island" (1964-7) featured seven men and women whose tour boat, the USS Minnow, got wrecked on an uncharted desert island. Most episodes involved another wacky scheme to escape from the island and return to civilization. Which is weird, because they seemed to have it pretty good on the island, with the castaways building everything they could possibly need from bamboo, coconuts and sand. The show spawned two Saturday morning cartoons and three TV movies. "Gilligan's" opening credits shows the Minnow sailing away from port, just like this scene, before getting caught in a storm.
• "The gods must be crazy, look!" - The very funny 1981 movie The Gods Must Be Crazy, produced in Botswana, dealt with cultural clashes in Africa. An isolated tribe discovers a Coke bottle, believing it to be a gift from the gods. As there is only one bottle, they begin to fight over it and, rather than have this continue, one tribesman (N!xau) goes on a quest to return the bottle. Featured many "bush" and jungle scenes, looking a lot like the forest shot here. Followed by a few less successful sequels.

Host segment 4 - Mike helps Gypsy

• The Deus Ex Machina. - Latin phrase translating roughly as "god from a machine" ("machina" is properly pronounced "mackina," not "mashina"). It was a dramatic device used in plays by the ancient Greeks. When the characters seem to be completely stuck and unable to do more to help themselves or, for that matter, advance the plot, one of the gods would descend upon the stage and fix things at the last moment. The actor playing the god was lowered onto the stage with a crane (hence the "machine"). Nowadays, the term is used to describe "a person or thing that appears or is introduced into a situation suddenly and unexpectedly and provides an artificial or contrived solution to an apparently insoluble difficulty" (thank you, Encyclopedia Brittanica). It's usually frowned upon as an easy way for a writer to get themselves out of the corner they've painted themselves into. By calling the Satellite's pod the "Deus ex Machina," the writers are acknowledging that the whole escape pod is awfully convenient, for if Joel had been on the ship as long as he was, he would surely have found the thing by now. They just needed a way of writing him out of the show.
• Hamdingers. - What are Hamdingers? According to the Official MST3K Faq they are "miniature microwavable sandwiches from the Swift-Premium folks, made out of processed ham...sort of spamburgers. Originally intended to be a quickie snack-meal item, they were extremely nasty and were/are most popularly used as fishbait." Mmmm, that's good eatin'.

Movie Act 4

• "We are two wild and crazy guys!" - Catchphrase from an earlier "Saturday Night Live" (1975- ) sketch. Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd played the Festrunk brothers, two "swinging" bachelors from Czechoslovakia, who moved to the States to meet "foxes" with "large American breasts." They dressed in the worst 1970s clothes possible and kept proclaiming that they were "two wild and crazy guys!" They only appeared in a handful of skits, but remained extremely popular.
• "Oh, this must be 'Dateline NBC.'" - Begun in 1992, "Dateline NBC" is NBC's most successful newsmagazine show. This scene refers to an infamous incident early in the show's history. In November 1992, the show did a segment on how the fuel tanks of certain General Motors pickup trucks would explode when involved in accidents. In order to get a shot of this kind of explosion on camera, a collision was staged. However, to guarantee that the gas tank would actually explode, they detonated explosive charges underneath the truck. GM figured out what they had done and protested, and the show eventually apologized.
• "Andy Kaufman?" - Odd, surrealistic comedian (1949-84) of the late 1970s and early 1980s. Best known as the immigrant mechanic Latka on the sit-com "Taxi" (1978-83), whose voice Crow is doing when he says "You're so stupid!" and "Thank you very much!" First introduced to TV audiences on the first episode of "Saturday Night Live" (1975- ). Rather than do much straight comedy, he liked to mess with the audience's heads. He would play the Mighty Mouse theme song and lip-synch along to "Here I come to save the daaaay!" Or just stand there and read from the novel The Great Gatsby until the audience got fed up with it. He also did a brilliant Elvis Presley impersonation and was, in fact, the real Elvis' favourite impersonator. After appearing in a number of films and television shows, he died of lung cancer in 1984, although some people think it's another bizarre, elaborate gag on Andy's part, and that he'll pop up again some day. The band R.E.M. recorded a song in 1992 called "Man on the Moon" about Kaufman and Jim Carrey starred as Kaufman in a 1999 biopic, also called Man on the Moon.
• "There went Bronson." - Refers to the 1969-70 TV series "Then Came Bronson," starring Michael Parks in the title role, a nomadic motorcyclist who would help out folks he met on the road.
• "We've got to close the beaches!" - From the classic suspense film Jaws (1975). Roy Scheider stars as Martin Brody, the local chief of police in a little New England beach town, and the guy nobody ever listens to in this type of film. Convinced that there's a great big shark eating swimmers, he keeps insisting, "We've got to close the beaches!" He's right, they don't listen and lots of folks die before anything is done.
• "Hey, it's the starship Enterprise in dry-dock." - Warning! "Star Trek" nerd alert! Several starships in the "Star Trek" universe have borne the name Enterprise. The first was in the original "Trek" series (1966-9), a Constitution class bearing the registration number NCC-1701. Eventually, in the motion pictures, this ship was destroyed, but a new ship, NCC-1701-A, was launched. The name was revived in the second "Trek" series, "Star Trek: The Next Generation" (1987-94), with the Galaxy class ship numbered NCC-1701-D (this is the one the ship seen in Mitchell most resembles). This one was also destroyed in the motion pictures and replaced with the NCC-1701-E, a Sovereign class. The Enterprise B and C have both also been seen briefly over the years, but you don't want to hear about that, do you?
• "This looks positively Baywatchian" - Ah, yes, "Baywatch," America's gift to the world. Started in 1989 and in syndication since 1991, "Baywatch" is possibly the most popular television show in the world, shown in dozens of countries. It basically tells of the life and times of a rotating crew of L.A. lifeguards. It has a lot of scenes with attractive young men and women (and, until 2000, David Hasselhoff) in bathing suits running in slow motion. There have been a number of TV movies based on the show, as well as a short-lived "private detective" style spin-off, "Baywatch Nights" (1995-7). In 1999, the show's setting changed to Hawaii and the show was re-dubbed "Baywatch Hawai'i" until it was finally canceled in 2001.
• "PT 90210." - During World War II, US President John F. Kennedy commanded a PT boat, numbered 109. It was sunk by a Japanese destroyer and Kennedy and the other survivors had to make for a island, where they found food and shelter and were finally able to signal the Navy for rescue. The adventure was made into the 1963 film PT 109, starring Cliff Robertson as Kennedy. Just to give the ref that extra bit of goofiness, it is combined with the title of "Beverly Hills 90210" (1990-2000), the annoying night-time soap about the lives of a group of Beverly Hill high school students.
• "Hey, is that Paul Hogan in the middle there?" - Popular Australian actor (1940- ), best known to North Americans for the Crocodile Dundee movies (1986; 1988; 2001). Also starred in the film adaptation of Flipper (1996). Had his own very popular sketch comedy show in Australia, "The Paul Hogan Show" (1973-84).
• "Boatniks 2: The Final Conflict." - The Boatniks (1970) was a Disney film from their "goofy live-action slap-stick movie" phase. It concerned a jewel theft and something about boats, including a big water chase scene. There was, mercifully, no sequel, but The Final Conflict (1981) was the title of the third "Omen" movie.
• "It's turning into an episode of 'Riptide.'" - Private eye show (1984-6) featuring three Vietnam vets running their investigations operation from a boat docked in a harbour in southern California. Nick (Joe Penny) and Cody (Perry King) supplied the muscle and Murray (Thom Bray) was the computer wiz.
• "Jimmy Osmond, all grown up." - Jimmy Osmond (1963- ) was the youngest sibling of the easy listening phenomenon that is the Osmonds. Called "Little Jimmy" Osmond when part of the group, he had hits with his brothers and sister, as well as a solo hit. Seems to be still touring to this day, with his own family.
• "On 'The People's Court'!" - The music here sounds like the theme music for "The People's Court" (1981-93), a court show which featured real litigants having their small-claims cases being settled on TV by a real judge, Joseph A. Wapner. The show was revived in 1997, this time featuring former New York City mayor Ed Koch as the judge.
• "Martin Balsam: the Dewar's Profile."
  • First mention of Martin Balsam by name, I think. Balsam (1919-96) was a prolific actor, appearing in more than 100 films over his career. Notable movies include 12 Angry Men (1957), Psycho (1960), Breakfast at Tiffany's (1961), the original Cape Fear (1962) (he also had a cameo in the 1991 remake), Catch-22 (1970) and Murder on the Orient Express (1974). Balsam also played Archie's business partner for the first couple of seasons of "Archie Bunker's Place" (1979-83). Won a Tony for his performance in the 1967 Broadway play "You Know I Can't Hear You When the Water's Running." Not a bad actor, really. Too bad he ended up in this turkey.
  • A series of print ads for Dewar's Scotch Whiskey featured serene shots of celebrities enjoying a glass of Dewar's. Accompanying this photo was a list of vital statistics such as: age, last book read, last movie seen, a quote, and so on. The list always concluded with "His [or Her] Scotch: Dewar's."
• "Think those are Schlitz cans?" - American brand of German-style beer produced by the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, since the 1800s. Often called "The Beer That Made Milwaukee Famous." Bought out by the Stroh Brewing Company in 1982 and no longer produced.
• "Things'll work out Mister Maxwell. Mister Maxwell?" - Robert Maxwell (1923-91; born Ludvik Hoch) was a self-educated politician and publisher, founding Pergamon Press and at one time serving as chairman for the Mirror group of British papers. He died under mysterious circumstances; his body was found in the sea near the Canary Islands after disappearing from his luxury yacht. It was revealing that Maxwell had siphoned large sums of money from two of his companies and an employee pension fund to preserve his publishing empire. This led to speculation that his death may have been a suicide or murder.
• "It's the maritime equivalent of 'rock climbing.'" - From episode #208 in which the guys watched the 1951 film The Lost Continent. The movie featured long, repetitive sequences with the heroes climbing up the side of a mountain. The scenes were extremely painful for Joel and the 'Bots, and Dr. F and Frank took great pleasure in torturing them by merely mentioning the words "rock climbing."
• "I dreamed I was Father Murphy." - See Merlin Olsen above.
• "Wasn't John Saxon in this movie?" - Yes, he was. See? The Saxon subplot is dealt with in the unedited version of Mitchell. Apparently he dies in a dune-buggy "accident" (at one point, you can hear Mitchell's car radio mention this very briefly). Just when you thought this film couldn't get more stupid.
• "These Circle Line tours are getting really brutal." - Circle Line Cruises is a company offering sightseeing tours by water around Manhattan and New York.
• "Mannix, extra large." - A violent (for the time, anyway), action-packed show with a high body count, "Mannix" (1967-75) was a popular crime drama starring Mike Connors as private detective Joe Mannix.
• "Oh, vaudeville." - Old style of stage entertainment consisting of a variety of short acts, like stand-up comedy, song-and-dance routines and juggling. Many classic stars, such as George Burns, Abbott and Costello and Ray Bolger, got their start in vaudeville. One running gag popular in the genre was the removal of failing acts from the stage using a giant hooked cane.
• "And there, on his colon, was a hook." - From an old urban legend and campfire horror story. A couple of teenage kids are making out in their car, when a newsflash comes on about how a convict with a hook for one hand has escaped a nearby prison. Worried, they drive out of there as fast as possible. When they finally stop to drop off the girl, they boy goes to open the car door for her and... "There, on the handle, was a hook!" This legend has been around since the 1950s in a number of variations.
• "I see Van Morrison, I see Meat Loaf, and 'Spoooock!" - Merlin sort of looks like several people here:
  • Van Morrison - Irish-born singer/songwriter (1945- ; born George Ivan Morrsion). A professional musician since the age of 15, Morrison has a very laid-back, mellow style, using elements of rock, folk, blues, jazz and classical music. Hits include "Brown Eyed Girl" (1967) and "Domino" (1970). Astral Weeks (1968) is generally considered his best album, even one of the best albums of all time. He was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1993.
  • Meat Loaf - Singer and actor (1951- ; born Marvin Lee Aday) best known musically for his 1977 smash hit album Bat Out of Hell. Got the nickname of Meat Loaf when he stepped on the foot of his high school football coach. He has had several top 40 singles of the years, all of them with rather long titles, beginning with 1978's "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad," and including "I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)" (1993) and "Objects in the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are" (1994). Meat (or is that "Loaf" for short?) has also appeared in many movies including The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975) (as the formerly dead Eddie, a role he played in the L.A. stage production of Rocky), Spice World (1997) and Fight Club (1999).
  • Merlin also vaguely resembles actor William Shatner, Captain James Kirk on the original "Star Trek" series (1966-9). Joel is making fun of the often overly-dramatic way in which Kirk would call for assistance from his first officer, the half-human, half-Vulcan science officer Spock (Leonard Nimoy).
• "Either those curtains go or I do." - Based on the alleged last words of Irish-born author/playwright/poet Oscar Wilde (1854-1900). On his deathbed, Wilde is supposed to have said, "Either that wallpaper goes, or I do," after which he promptly died.
• "Dead Calm." - 1989 film starring Sam Neill and Nicole Kidman as a couple out sailing on their yacht. They pick up the lone survivor of an accident at sea (Billy Zane) who turns out to be a little unbalanced, and proceeds to terrorize them.
• "Benton!" "...Harbor, Michigan!" - Yes, there is a Benton Harbor, Michigan. It's not an especially big place, with a population of less that 13,000 in 1990.
• After Martin Balsam calls out "Benton!" for a second time, Tom sings the theme to Jaws (see above), composed by John Williams. Much of the latter part of the film takes place on a small boat as the heroes hunt for the shark.
• "You'll never take me alive, coppers!" - Typical of the kind of line shouted by the desperate crime boss in many a 1930s gangster film climax. Usually uttered by someone like James Cagney or Edward G. Robinson (rather appropriate, that; see below.)
• "Oh, you're smart enough, Mitchell!" - Because Balsam somehow manages to sound like him, Tom does a further impression of the character of Eddie "Rochester" Anderson (Rochester Van Jones), valet to Jack Benny on "The Jack Benny Program" (1950-65; originally a radio program beginning 1932). Rochester would often have to tell Benny how competent he was (like Tom's doing here), despite the fact that Benny was a goof.
• "Let's rip off the last scene from Key Largo, Mitchell!" - Based on the 1939 play by Maxwell Anderson, the 1948 film Key Largo is about a group of gangsters, led by Rocco (Edward G. Robinson), holding a group of people captive in a Florida hotel during a tropical storm. Mitchell rips it off. Big time. In the film's climax, Rocco and Frank McCloud (Humphrey Bogart) are alone on a small boat to Cuba (after all Rocco's henchmen have been killed by Frank). Frank waits in silence for Rocco to come out on deck and Rocco, playing for time, offers Frank half the money he made earlier in a deal. Then, he tosses the bag with the money out on deck, offering all of it. Rocco throws out his gun, claiming to now be unarmed, although his really has a second gun. Rocco finally tries to sneak out to kill McCloud, but Frank shoots him dead instead. Sound familiar?
• "Counselor!" - From Cape Fear (1991). Robert De Niro stars as Max Cady, a recently released convict who stalks his old attorney, Sam Bowden (Nick Nolte). At one point, Bowden is hiding from Cady; Cady, suspecting his intended victim is present, repeatedly calls out "Counselor!" in a mocking voice. This scene did not feature in the original 1962 Cape Fear, although Cady (Robert Mitchum) did refer to Bowden (Gregory Peck) as "Counselor."
• "I'll never grow old, I'll never die, and I'll always eat oatmeal." - Double reference to actor Wilford Brimley. The main reference is to the 1985 SF film Cocoon, in which a number of senior citizens are taken away by aliens to live eternally young on their world. At one point Ben (Brimley) tries to explain to his grandson why he's going away. He says that, on the alien world, "We'll never get sick, we'll never grow old and we'll never die," or words to that effect. At the film's climax, the seniors are picked up by the aliens while on a small ship in the middle of the sea, in a scene that looks similar to the one here. This line also makes reference to the fact that Brimley was the chief spokesman for Quaker oatmeal products for several years.
• "Mr. Roper? you home?" - Stanley Roper (Norman Fell) and his wife Helen (Audrey Lindley) were the landlords on the popular sit-com "Three's Company" (1977-84) until they got their own short-lived spin-off, "The Ropers" (1979-80). Both shows were very 1970s and the decor in Mitchell is very similar.
• "Alright, John Tesh, I know you're in here!" - More New Age music silliness (see Yanni above). Originally known for his 10 year stint (1986-96) hosting "Entertainment Tonight" (1981- ), John Tesh (1952- ) became a best-selling New Age keyboard artist beginning with his 1988 album Tour de France. He has won several Emmys for composing to themes to a number of sports-related shows and his 1995 live album John Tesh Live at Red Rocks went gold.
• "What, did you have Mickey Rourke over or something?" - Former boxer turned film actor (1953- ; born Philip Andre Rourke, Jr.), known for his wild behaviour, short temper and tendency to trash living quarters. He was arrested in 1994 for spousal abuse. First appeared in 1941 (1979); other notable films include Body Heat (1981), Diner (1982) and Nine 1/2 Weeks (1986).
• "Where's your Cheech and Chong album?" - 1970s comedy duo Cheech and Chong did mostly drug-related humor back when that sort of thing was still really funny. Their real names were Richard "Cheech" Marin (1946- ) and Tommy Chong (1938- ). They had a successful series of comedy albums and, during the '80s, a few forgettable films. After breaking up, they both went on to solo acting careers, with Cheech being clearly more successful.
• "Got any Froot Loops?" - Popular sugary breakfast cereal produced by Kellogg's. They're little fruit flavoured Os and their spokescritter is a cartoon bird named Toucan Sam.
• "Put 'em on your feet, give your dogs a treat, what a comfortable shoe." - Seems to refer to Hush Puppies, a popular brand of casual footwear around since the 1950s. One of the early salesmen for the product, Jim Muir, created the name "Hush Puppies" while visiting a friend in Tennessee. The friend's dogs began to whine, so he tossed them some hush puppies (a Southern dish of fried cornmeal balls). Since feet are sometimes called "dogs" (and aching feet can be "barking dogs") and since hush puppies had made the real dogs stop barking, Muir decided to call the new shoe Hush Puppies. Way too cute.
• "Oh, Hoyt, how could you?" - Hoyt is Hoy Axton, a popular country & western singer, beginning his career with the 1963 album Thunder & Lightnin'. Axton (1938-99) wrote many songs for others, including Three Dog Night's 1971 hit, "Joy to the World." He sang the theme song for "Flo" (1980-81). Hoyt also had a reasonably successful TV and film career, appearing on a dozen different shows and in films including The Black Stallion (1973) and Gremlins (1984) (as the inventor dad who brought the Mogwai Gizmo home for his son and started off the whole problem).
• "Joe Don Baker would be perfect for 'Elvis: The Dying Days.'" - Elvis Presley (1935-77), the King of rock'n'roll, was unattractively big and puffy at the time of his death, much like Joe Don.

Epilogue - So long, Joel... Hello, Mike!

• "The circus of Dr. Lao." - The setting of the 1964 Tony Randall fantasy The Seven Faces of Dr. Lao. In it, the Western town of Abalone, Arizona is visited by a traveling circus run by the mysterious Chinaman, Doctor Lao (Randall). In a number of disguises, Lao teaches several townsfolk valuable life lessons. Joel's plaque contains a number of quotes from the film. And, as pointed out by Kevin Murphy in The Amazing Colossal Episode Guide, "Lao" is mispronounced in this scene. It should be "low," not "loo."
• "Joel leaves and his last words are from a George Pal movie?!" - The Hungarian-born George Pal (1908-80) was the director and producer for Dr. Lao as well as the 1960 classic The Time Machine. Pal was a graduated of the Budapast Academy of the Arts in 1928 and was heavily into animation when he moved to Hollywood, where he made over 40 "Puppetoons," films combining elements of animation and puppetry. He and his teams were well known for their innovative pre-computer special effects. Also the producer of such films as The War of the Worlds (1953) and Doc Savage: The Man of Bronze (1975), Pal earned himself six Acadamy Awards, including a special award in 1943.
• "...from the Psalms or the Upanishads or even the Desiderata, for that matter!"
  • In the Bible's Old Testament, the Psalms are a collection of 150 sacred songs (or sacred poems meant to be sung).
  • The Upanishads are a collection of sacred texts, philosophical treatises contributing to the theology of ancient Hinduism and written about 600 BC. They discuss the nature of reality and the soul and the relation between the two. Visit here for some excerpts.
  • The "Desiderata" is an inspirational essay written in 1927 by Max Ehrmann. ("Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.") Some folks claim that it was "found" at Old St. Paul's Church in Baltimore and is as old as 1692, but Ehrmann actually wrote it himself and copyrighted it in 1927. "Desiderata" was parodied as "Deteriorata" on National Lampoon's 1972 album Radio Dinner. Read both here and here.
• "Sorry folks, I can't come back, I don't know how it works!" - Near the end of the classic 1939 film The Wizard of Oz, the Wizard (Frank Morgan) has prepared a hot-air balloon to take himself and the lost Dorothy Gale (Judy Garland) back home to Earth. The balloon launches prematurely and, unable to control it, the Wizard calls out the above line.
• "Well, let's just hope he landed on Yahoo Serious." - Real name Greg Pead. Australian writer, producer, director and star of Young Einstein (1988) and Reckless Kelly (1993). Serious has a very... unique style about him and his films are rather surreal. Einstein, for example, is about young Tasmanian Albert Einstein, who discovers how to split the beer atom, thus producing beer foam. On his way to share the discovery with the world, he meets and falls in love with a young Marie Curie and has many adventures. Many people find Serious irritating, but I like him. I actually paid to see Einstein again after attending a free screening. I am, however, in the minority on this.

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