Doug's AmazonRPG Toys

Hel (short for Helen) is the leader of the team that includes Sarge and Cleopatra. Together, they are trying to reclaim the surface of the Earth in the year 2525 from the alien invaders known as Baileys. Usually calm and cool, Hel is the team's link to the mysterious Voice, who guides them in their mission through a receptor implanted in her jaw. (Although, apparently, Joxopolis is outside of Voice's transmission range.)

The buff Sarge can be a bit of a hot-head, always eager for action and often jumping in without thinking first. She is a deadly hand-to-hand combatant but also loves her guns. Often very angry, she is still a vital part of the team. Her real name is Rose, but never, never call her that to her face...

Aspiring actress, part-time exotic dancer, and cute as all-get-out, Cleopatra fell into a coma during cosmetic surgery in the year 2001 and was placed into cryogenic deep freeze, until she could be safely revived. She was awakened by Hel and Sarge in the Bailey-ruled world of 2525. Fond of using movie and TV quotes and more or less in charge of the group's fashion, Cleo can be a surprising asset to the team, although her style does tend to, um, clash with those of the teammates.

My next Girl-Toy is Theodora from the 1999 film The Haunting. Theo was one of several test subjects brought to the Hill House mansion for a study in fear. The study went terribly wrong when the visitors were terrorized by the ghost of the mansion's owner, Hugh Crain. Theo was one of the few survivors. The artist has interesting taste in clothing (remember those boots?). Oh, and she's bisexual (bonus!).

Annika Hansen was assimilated by the Borg when just a child. As the adult drone Seven of Nine, she was liberated from the Collective by the U.S.S. Voyager, and has steadily been regaining her humanity. My RPG self encountered "Star Trek: Voyager"'s former Borg drone while on an uncontrolled trip through the multiverse. Tabs, the then-Goddess of Toy Acquisition, let me keep her when I got home. As a result of downloading my pop culture knowledge into her own systems to survive a visit to "Mystery Science Theater 3000"'s Satellite of Love, Seven has an unfortunate tendency to blurt out non sequiturs.

I acquired "Relic Hunter"'s Professor Sydney Fox in the same manner as Seven, while travelling the multiverse. Syd is head of the Ancient Studies Department at a university on the US East Coast. She's a sort of female Indiana Jones, searching for ancient relics and artifacts, no matter the danger in her path (to the eternal regret of her Teaching Assistant Nigel).

Born Lois Runce, this daughter of an international arms dealer changed her name to Yves Adele Harlow (an anagram of Lee Harvey Oswald) and became an accomplished computer hacker and international thief in an attempt to sabotage the plans of her father and people like him. This apparently British brunette with an Emma Peel quality was an often unwilling ally of "The X-Files"' Lone Gunmen.

Ownership of real people is not permitted in Joxopolis, but you can have a clone of a real person. So, I have a clone of the best TV cook there ever was, Nigella Lawson. The only thing better than watching Nigella cook is watching Nigella eat. This voluptuous Brit makes working in the kitchen seem effortless and meal-time around my hut is certainly all the better for her presence.

Former exotic dancer Catherine Willows works for the Las Vegas CSI (Crime Scene Investigation) lab. Using a combination of brains and intuition, she and her co-workers help the Vegas police department put a variety of criminals and nogoodniks behind bars.

Rose Tyler is possibly the most perfect travelling companion ever featured on the classic science fiction series "Doctor Who." Smart, feisty and utterly adorable, she truly loves the experiences the 9th and 10th incarnation of the Doctor present her with.

Also from the "Doctor Who" universe, when super-temp Donna Noble first encountered the 10th Doctor, she was a somewhat shallow individual, taking little interest in the world around her. But, after some time thinking about what she had seen in her initial, brief time with the Doctor, she became a fierce righter of wrongs and joined the Doctor on his travels, become a companion on par with Rose Tyler.

A few of my Girl-Toys came in sets and can be seen below under Miscellaneous Toys.

Pet-Toys

He's amazing! He's magnificent! He's the greatest secret agent in the world! Well, that's what Danger Mouse's theme song says, anyway. The White Wonder is certainly the bane of villainous toad Baron Silas Greenback's existence. Whenever Colonel K calls, DM is ready for action with the help of--

--Penfold! Danger Mouse's hamster sidekick, while not exactly the bravest of rodents, usually manages to come through when needed. His skills include tap-dancing, screaming and the martial art of Kung Mogi.

Hammy Hamster is the star of the long-running "Tales of the Riverbank" television series, all about the adventures of Hammy and his friends. Despite his somewhat nervous temperament (he is a hamster, after all) Hammy is a personable little fella, making friends easily. He'll also sing at the drop of a hat.

Martha Mouse is Hammy's best friend in the world and the closest he's ever going to get to an actual girl-friend ("Riverbank" isn't that kind of show). She will also sing at any opportunity. And don't let the fact that she looks like a rat rather than a mouse bother you...

Pickwick the Dodo is the pet of Literary Detective Thursday Next, star of her own series of novels by Jasper Fforde. In the strange alternate world of the stories, dodos are common pets due to advances in cloning technology. Pickwick is only a version 1.2 dodo, so she has no wings. She loves marshmallows. "Plock plock!"

Miscellaneous Toys

[Grot, Simon the Robot and the WAITRON-9000]

My hut contains a portal to the SpaceBar, in orbit around Joxopolis' moon. Formerly appearing weekly on Space: The Imagination Station (Canada's science-fiction network), the crew of the SpaceBar would watch a cheezy science-fiction film and comment on the film, often while bickering amongst themselves. The 'Bar is owned and run by rabid "Star Trek" fan Grot, a turtle-shell-headed alien hailing from, um, Grot's Planet. "Helping" Grot out at the bar is Simon, a sarcastic robot who hates everyone and everything (except actress Adrienne Barbeau). Rounding out the trio is the lovely WAITRON-9000, a holographic waitress created by Grot. The Waitron, as well as being an excellent waitress (on the rare occasions when the 'Bar actually has customers), is a walking movie encyclopedia, programmed with every film fact there is. And she's a redhead (swoon). The 'Bar ended up in orbit around Joxopolis' moon after an adventure in which several Toys and I saved it from being shut down by Spacenik, Inc., the original owners.

[Drive-In Dick and Simon the Speaker; the Nurse; Trish d'Lish]

Movie hosts also featured on Space's sister station, Drive-In Classics (before they were unceremoniously yanked off the air). Drive-In Dick, knowledgeable about all movies B, runs his own drive-in theatre with the help of Simon, a sentient (if sometimes rude) drive-in theatre speaker. Assisting Dick and Simon during the weekly Horror Marathon was the apparently undead Nurse, a woman who is very dedicated to her profession... whether you'd like her to be or not. She is every male's nurse fantasy gone horribly wrong. Also on Drive-In Classics was Trish d'Lish, who hosted Steamy Windshields, when she showed rather, um... risqué movies. She's something of a sex-crazed air-head, but she's really very sweet. You may notice a resemblance between these characters and those from the SpaceBar; you're imagining things.

I didn't ask for the former Betrayer robot Mauser from "Cleopatra 2525," but he came with the set. As they're both technically inclined and a little ill-at-ease showing emotion, he and Seven get along pretty well.

I also have kicking around the place the Tickle Trunk from TV's "Mister Dressup." I was quite upset when Ernie Coombs, who played Mr. Dressup, passed away, so my Toys gave me the Trunk to cheer me up. It contains everything from art-supplies to full, detailed period costumes.

I don't use it often, but I do have the Royal Canadian Air Farce's Chicken Cannon around the place somewhere. It even comes complete with a Col. Stacey (his good friends call him Theresa), who is more than happy to announce a target for the Cannon. Targets to date include Metallica (for being weiners about the whole Napster thing), the Fox network (for cancelling Wonderfalls after four episodes), CityTV/CHUM CEO Jay Switzer (for firing the Drive-In Classics movie hosts) and Greater Victoria Public Library board chair Chris Graham (for the board's decision to lock out library workers during a labour dispute, rather than return to the bargaining table).