- Doug

...in a universe not far away...

[Deep 13. Enter Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank.]

Dr. F [giggling]: Yes. Yes! Finally!
Frank: 'Sup, Steve?
Dr. F: Ah, Frank, it will finally be mine!
Frank: What will?
Dr. F: The Amazon Village of Luuuuuuuuuuve.
Frank: That's not it's name.
Dr. F: What are you, suddenly Queen of the Amazons?
Frank: Well, I have been working out...
Dr. F: Shut up, Frank! At last, with half the village gone looking for their little artifact, especially most of their big guns like AnnieGoT and even those irritating Space Pirates, their defences are low. It'll be a cinch to take over.
Frank: Yeah, like taking candy from a baby. Well, a small group of well-armed babies...

[Dr. F pulls out a large rubber mallet and clubs Frank. Frank drops.]

Dr. F: Good point, Frank. That's why... get up, Frank...
Frank: Ooohhhh...
Dr. F: That's why we're not doing this alone. I have summoned a group of the greatest villains of all time from across the multiverse! Presenting... from the Austin Power films, Dr. Evil!
Frank: [makes crowd cheering noises]
Dr. Evil: Thankyew... thankyew...
Dr. F: From "Cleopatra 2525," Creegan!
Creegan: Hel will be mine!
Frank: Cool voice! Didn't think you get that effect without having your throat ripped out and an electronic... larynx... put... in... Sorry.
Dr. F: From "Doctor Who," Davros and the Daleks.
Daleks: Exterminate! Exterminate!
Dr. F: And many others to be revealed in future posts, depending on the dramatic flow of the story!
Frank: [gasps] No! Anything but that!
Dr. F: [laughs maniacally] I'm the God! I'M THE GOD! Quick, Robin, to the Batmobile!

[The villains rush over to stand in front of a large portal.]

Frank: Ooo, pretty lights!
Dr. F: Atomic batteries to power! Turbines to speed! We're ready! [makes fanfare] Charge!
Frank: Please make sure your trays are in an upright and locked position!

[The attack begins...]

-----------------------------

[Back in the village, Doug and crew walk around the place. The rodents trundle along behind in their travel balls.]

Doug: Geez, sure is quiet around here. [Watches as a tumbleweed blows by.] I swear, half the village is off looking for Ripper and the bow.
Cleo: The peace and quiet is kinda nice for a change.
Sarge: I don't like it.
Theo: Why, what's wrong?
Sarge: We're more vulnerable like this. If we were to be invaded--

[A large flash and rush of air knock the humans down. The rodents' travel balls are thrown into the air to come down in another part of the village.]

Penfold: Aaaaaah!
Hammy: Ooooooh!
Martha: Eeeeee!
DM: Good guh-reif!

[Back to the humans.]

Cleo: Eeeeee!
Hel: You and your big mouth!
Sarge: Well, excuse me.

[The villains begin to pour out of the portal.]

Doug: Yikes! Daleks!
Hel: What are Daleks?
Doug: Giant salt and pepper shakers with attitude and great big lasers.
Hel: Oh.
Theo: Um, should we be declaring a state of emergency or something here?
Sarge: [grins] Let's rumble!

[Will the Foul Villains succeed in their bid to control Joxopolis? (Shyeah! Right!) Will the rodents survive on their own? Will Dr. Forrester kill Frank again? (Well, that a given, actually.) What the heck is Doug on for writing this? Tune in for more... or just join in (those of still in the village, anyway). This is an RPG, after all...)]

Solo rodents

[The rodents' travel balls land with a jolt. After a few moments of trying, all realize that their travel balls are well and truly stuck, wedged between rocks (how conveeeeeeenient). DM steps out of his.]

DM: Right! This attack will not be tolerated! We must retaliate! Who's with me?

[Silence.]

DM: I said who's with me?
Penfold: Uh, Chief, can't we just stay in our nice near-indestructible travel balls?
Hammy: Oh, yes, that sounds good...
Martha: Very good...
DM: Oh, c'mon! What are we, men or... scratch that. Now, there must be something we can do.
Penfold: Live to fight another day?
Hammy: That sound very good.
Martha: Very, very good.
DM: [Sighs] I guess I'm the only rodent of action around here. Penfold, come! We're heading for the armoury.
Penfold: [leaving his ball] Oh, carrots.
DM: Right, you two can stay here and... sing or whatever it is you do. We're leaving.
New voice: I think not.

[DM whirls around and discovers, standing with a group of hench-mice is a large, ferocious-looking rat. It's Ratigan from "Basil of Baker Street."]

Ratigan: You're not going anywhere, my pretties. Your involvement was planned for. Do be a good little mouse and give up now. It'd be soooo much easier.
DM: Never, you rat!
Ratigan: [begins a low growl, which builds] GrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAHHHH!
Hench-mouse 1: Shouldn'ta called him that, guv. He hates it.
Ratigan: GET THEM!!!
Penfold: Eeeek!

[DM and Penfold are quickly surrounded.]

Penfold: Um, oh, I'm, er, warning you! I'm well versed in the art of Kung Moggie! Hah! [attempts a martial arts on a mouse, misses completely and lands with a crash] Oh, 'eck!
DM: Back, villains!

[Hammy starts throwing himself against the wall of his hamster ball.]

Hammy: Ooof! Ooof! Ooof!
Martha: Hammy, what are you doing?
Hammy: Trying to break loose! Ooof!
Martha: But, Hammy, why?
Hammy: If I can do it, you'll see.

[With a last mighty heave, Hammy jars the ball loose.]

Hammy: Coming through!

[Hammy's ball roll towards the mice threatening DM.]

Hench-mouse 1: What's that rumbling noise?
Hench-mouse 2: Dunno... [looks up] Ulp!
Hench-mouse 1: Ulp? What's "ulp!" for? [looks up] Ulp! Run!

[Hammy bears down on the mice, who run in terror. One or two don't make it and are promptly run over by the huge ball.]

Squished hench-mice: Ooof! Ouch!
Ratigan: Curses! Quick, lads, retreat! You've not seen the last of us this day!

[Ratigan and remaining mice scurry away. Martha leaves her ball and heads for DM and Hammy.]

Martha: Oh, Hammy, that was wonderful! You're so brave!
Hammy: [cleans self furiously] Oh, gee, Martha, it was nothing really.
DM: Um, well, yes, um, I suppose I owe you a vote of thanks, Hammy. Um, thank you. Where's Penfold?
Penfold: Oh, Chief! I think I may have hurt something!
DM: Nonsense, you do that to yourself all the time. You're fine. Well, I vote we continue on to the armoury. We can take turns in the ball so at least one of will be safe. All right?
Hammy: Oh, gee, I don't know...
Martha: Oh, Hammy, I can't imagine you'll have any problems after what you just did. You'll be fine.
Hammy: Um, okay, Martha, for you. [cleans self more]
DM: Right, off we go, then!
Penfold: I want my mum.

The invasion continues

[Doug and his troop dive for cover behind a nearby hut.]

Hel: All right, we need a plan!
Cleo: Run?
Sarge: What, and miss all the fun?
Doug: Hold on, where's Theo?

[Looking around the hut, they see Theo in the clutches of TV's Frank. Dr. Forrester gloats.]

Dr. F: Goodie! Hostage!
Theo: Let me go, you green-clad geek!
Dr. F: "Oh, Auntie Em! Help me! Help me!"

[Theo's leg comes up and connects soundly with Dr. F's, um, "area."]

Dr. F: [rather more high pitched than usual] Oooo... "I'll get you.. and your little dog toooo..."

[He crumples.]

Frank: Clay, you okay?
Dr. F: [crawling to his feet] Right, into the portal with her!
Frank: Y'okay!
Theo: No! Let me gooooooooooooo...

[Frank throws Theo into the portal, where she promptly vanishes.]

Doug: Damn! Theo! [makes ready to bolt out into the open]
Hel: [holding Doug back] Doug, no! You won't make it! Look!

[A group of Daleks gets into formation, surrounding the portal.]

Doug: Shoot! Well never get through that many Daleks without more firepower. We need to get to the armoury.
Hel: I suggest we split up. We're too big a target in this group.
Doug: Right, Cleo, you're with me. Hel and Sarge, good luck.

[Will our heroes make it to the armoury? Will Dr. Forrester be able to have children? (Geez, hope not...) Will anyone else join in this insanity and add their own favourite villains to the mix? What will Theo encounter on the other side of the portal? And what about Scarecrow's brain? Tune in for more...]

- MacKenzie

[Mac scowls and taps Dr. F on the shoulder.]

Dr. Forrester: Huh?

Mac [smashes her fist into his face]: I'm the resident sociopath around here you little green turd. Now, bring back Theo. I needed to borrow her from Doug.

Dr. Forrester [weakly]: Pearl?

Mac [grunts in disgust and kicks him in the guts]: Useless. You are totally useless.

- Doug

The Invasion: Episode 4 (or is it 5?): Food Fight! (with Hel and Sarge)

[Hel and Sarge run like the dickens, firing behind them occasionally. Dr. Evil and Creegan (with a few minions) are hot on their heels.]

Sarge: They're gaining on us!
Hel: Quick, in here!

[They run into the vast Village kitchens, mostly populated by FoodTV chefs.]

Sarge: 'Scuse me, pardon me, comin' through! Bad guys on our tails!

[The baddies enter and run after the ladies. Suddenly, Emeril jumps out at Creegan and thrown something in his face.]

Emeril: BAM!
Creegan: [clutching at eyes] Ah, damn! What is this stuff? It burns!
Emeril: Ha! Essence! [clubs Creegan with a cast iron pan] BAM!

[Creegan crumples. Not really caring, Dr. Evil continues after Hel and Sarge.]

Hel: [grabbing Sarge] This way!

[Dr. Evil and Co. follow and find themselves in Kitchen Stadium. They stop, stunned, at the end of the red carpet. Kaga enters to applause.]

Kaga: [speaking Japanese, but subtitles appear below him] If memory serves me correctly, Hel and Sarge are being pursued by a nefarious madman, who will stop at nothing to control the world. Today's challenger, Dr. Evil!

[Dr. Evil and his minions walk down the red carpet.]

Fukui: [as with all other denizens of Kitchen Stadium, although he speaks English, the words do not match the movement of his lips] Strutting down the red carpet towards Kitchen Stadium, looking rather bewildered, is Dr. Evil, a man who will do whatever it takes to take down those who oppose him.
Kaga: [as Evil reaches him] So, how does it feel to be here today?
Dr. Evil: What the hell is going on here?
Kaga: And do you feel confident of a win?
Dr. Evil: If I knew what the hell was going on, yes!
Kaga: All right, then. Here they are. I summon the Iron Chefs!

[The Chefs rise on their platforms to the usual fanfare.]

Kaga: Who will it be?
Dr. Evil: [weakly] Um... the middle one?
Fukui: Yes! He's chosen Morimoto, the Iron Chef Japanese! Now to unveil the theme ingredient.
Kaga: There was only one ingredient I could pick. One which sums up the challenger's personality perfectly. We unveil the ingredient!

[The ingredient rises with fanfare, interspersed with shots of Morimoto looking confident and Dr. Evil looking confused and wondering what the hell is going on.]

Kaga: The ingredient is... cheese.

[Morimoto dashes for the platform and grabs all the good cheese, leaving Evil to stagger up and get the remaining Gorgonzola and Limburger. Kaga moves over to Hel and Sarge, hidden behind a curtain.]

Kaga: This should keep him occupied for a while. Go, save the village. Good luck.
Hel: Thanks, Kaga, we owe you.

[What other obstacles will our heroines face? What about Doug and Cleo? And the rodents? Will Mac save Theo on her own sociopathic :-) mission? Will Doug let her borrow Theo? (Well, if Theo doesn't mind, okay.) Whose cuisine will reign supreme? Tune in for more...]

- Greg

The Invasion: Reinforcements Arrive!!!

[From deep space, aboard the Imperial Cylon Base Star, the Imperious Leader himself receives his commands.]

IL: It is time... [toggles a switch]: Baltar, it is time. Notify the others and launch all attacks. For the greater glory of Dr. F!!!
Baltar: By your command. [turns off viewscreen[ Oh how I hate that guy. Still, orders are orders. Lucifer...
Lucifer: Yes, Baltar?
Baltar: Launch all ships and notify the others to start their assaults. Dr. F needs reinforcements.
Lucifer: By your command, Baltar. [speaks into a microphone[ By the way, do you think we have enough ships?
Baltar: A fleet one third this size destroyed the Colonial Fleet.
Lucifer: Save for the Pegasus and Galactica....
Baltar: ...and wiped out all the colonies as well. I think we can handle one measly flying island...
Lucifer: I do hope so. Imperious Leader will be so displeased otherwise.
Baltar: You know, sometimes I wish you only had a level two brain...
Lucifer: All Base Star commanders report ships launched and are now vectoring in on the Yamato.
Baltar: Let's see how they stand up to the full strength of fifteen Base Stars!!!

**** Meanwhile ****

Bobo: Well, all I know is that our orders are to attack the village when this little lights starts to blink. AAAARRRGH! It's blinking right now!
Dr. Zaius: But are you sure these orders came from the Lawgiver?
Bobo: As sure as my butt needs medication every 6 hours!
Dr. Zaius: Very well then! General Urko, order your gorillas to attack at once.
Gen. Urko: It shall be a victory drenched in glory! ATTACK!!!
Bobo: You know, for some reason he reminds me of a Klingon. Or was it a Vulcan. Maybe a Romulan?

**** Elsewhere ****

Destro: Commander! We have a green light for invasion!
Cobra Commander: Very Well Dessstro. I ssshall give the ordersss at once. [Grabs a snake shaped microphone.] Legionss of COBRA... the time isss now at hand. Go forth and grind Amazon Village into the dussst! Cooooooooooooooooooooobra!!!!

[The roar of hundreds of jets, choppers and ground vehicles rattle the sky as the forces of the world wide terrorist organisation move out.]

Major Bludd : Ah, I love the sound of HISS tanks in the morning. It sounds like...victory!
Zartan: Just save some for my Dreadnoks, you hear? Ain't that right, Ripper?
Ripper: You said it! Monkeywrench, Road Pig and I are just itching for a fight.
Baroness: It will be glorious, won't it Destro darling?
Serpentor: As long as it brings victory, does it matter? Onward COBRA! Onward to victory! Cobra lalalalalalalala!!!
Cobra Commander: I hate that battle cry!

*** Nearby ***

Megatron: That is the signal! Decepticons, transform and leave no Fleshing functional!
Starscream: For the greater glory of Dr. Forrester!!

[The Decepticons transform into numerous jet-type planes, save for the Constructicons who transform into various construction vehicles, and then join into a giant robot. They then stomp off to create some major havoc.]

[Oh oh. It looks like Amazon Village is in major trouble now. Can they defeat the combined forces of COBRA, Ape City and the Decepticons without the Space Pirates? Can the Space Pirates defend themselves against the Cylons? And what about Scarecrow's brain?]

- Doug

Back to Cleo and me

[Doug and Cleo attempt to make their way to the armoury.]

Narrator: When we last left our heroes, they were on the lam, trying to save their home, the Amazon Village of Frostbite Falls, MN.

[Doug and Cleo screech to a halt.]

Doug: The hell...?
Narrator: The group of nefarious, nasty no-goodniks are trying gain control of the Village's upsy-daisium mine and its worm farm.
Doug: Excuse me!
Narrator: Yes?
Doug: What the hell are you talking about?
Narrator: I'm the narrator. I'm narrating.
Doug: Yes, but you're narrating the wrong thing.
Narrator: Am I?

[Enter Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale.]

Boris: Allow me to introduce myself!
Doug: Oh, dear God...
Boris: My name is Borias...
Cleo: Oh, they're not even trying!
Boris: And this is Natashius.
Doug: I'll say.
Natasha: Ve are here from a neighbouring village, dahlink, to help.
Doug: [sighs, then does his best Bullwinkle] Gee, Rock, whuddya think?
Cleo: [Mimicking Rocky] I don't know, Bullwinkle. There's sumthin' suspicious about these two.
Doug: [back to normal] Let's nip this little terror in the bud, shall we?

[Doug and Cleo slug Boris and Natasha and go on their way. Boris and Natasha lay on the ground, cartoon stars whirling around their heads. Enter Fearless Leader.]

FL: Badenov, Fatale, you dolts!
Boris: Hoo-boy...
Narrator: Will our intrepid duo succeed in their mission? How's Dr. Evil doing with his cheese? Who am I? Why am I here? Tune in next time for "Hail! Hail! The Gang's All Here" or "The Village People..."
Doug: [in distance] Will you stop that?!

- Ephiney

Ephiney [turns to her sisters]: Cobra is mine.
Mac: All of them?
Ephiney: Well, you can play with the Baroness if I bother to take her alive.
Jag: Got everything?
Ephiney: Oh, yeah. Ya know Cobra was really dumb not to upgrade their systems last time.
Jag: Just go blow them up.

[Ephiney grins and runs off toward... a bunch of animals?]

Ephiney: Come on Maximals! It's butt kicking time!
Rattrap: Why are we going against Cobra instead of the Decepticons?
Rhinox: Temporal shift.
Cheetor: Huh?
Optimis Primal: We're from different times. We get together and....
Arachina: Boom. In a big way.
Ephiney: Enough chit chat, Maximals! Come on Silver Bolt, I need a lift!
Silver Bolt: Certainly, Queen Ephiney.

*** Nearby ***

Mac [turns to Jag]: Flip you for it.

[Jag nods and a coin flies into the air.]

Jag: Heads!
Mac [catches the coin and curses]: You get the Decepticons. Bugger. That means I have to deal with the apes.
Jag: Deal with it, doll. Besides, you've got more Godly toys than I do. Not to mention your own powers.
Mac: But you have a War God.
Jag: Again. Deal. HEY CUPID!! IT'S TIME TO PLAY!!

[Later the triplets meet in the comfort of Ephiney's private rooms. Bad Touch is playing on Repeat over the stereo's speakers. Mac yawns and runs her hands through Theo's hair. The artist grins up at her naughtily.]

Ephiney [sighs and scrubs her eyes]: Reports.
Jag: The Decepticons are just as flimsy as they always were. I'm amazed that Sparky and his dad didn't manage to take them out with out the Autobots.
Ephiney: Did Prime and Rodimis get you those reinforcements?
Jag: Yep. We got Blur and the Dinobots.
Mac: I thought I heard some one say "Me smash."

[Jag shrugs.]

Ephiney: And Ape City?
Mac: Squish City. I still can't believe the naughty gods and I got stuck with the monkeys. Don't get me wrong, the Boys had fun and I guess Discord got a few ideas....
Ephiney: But it was a waste of your talents. Right.
Mac and Jag: Well?
Ephiney [smirks]: Did you know Cobra Commander has a serious fear of rats?
Mac: You didn't.
Jag: She did.
Ephiney: What? All I told Rattrap was to get the guy in the stupid mask.
Mac: And you were no doubt talking about Destro.
Ephiney: Nah. I let Black Arachnia have him.
Mac: Ahem....
Ephiney: Baroness is chained up in your... Playroom. If you want to keep her you still have to ask Tabs.

[Mac grins evilly and she flashes out with Theo.]

Ephiney [shouts after her]: AND YOU HAVE TO GIVE THEO BACK TO DOUG!!
Mac's voice: I will.... Eventually.

- Greg

Wanted: More Villains!

[Dr. Clayton Forrester paced unhappily in the bowels of Deep 13. COBRA, the Decepticons, and the Gorilla army of Ape City- all defeated in a single post. He glanced over to a screen and sighed. At least the Cylons were still...he blinked, and they were gone, annihilated with a single blast from the Yamato's Wave Motion Gun.]

Dr. F: Some days it just doesn't pay to be a Mad Scientist. Whatever shall I do now?

[His eyes glanced around Deep 13. Surely there was something here to help him. Suddenly his eyes fell upon Frank's Unhappy Meal Ant Farm Kit. His eyes lit up with unholy glee.]

Dr. F: Ohhhh Frank! Be a good flunky and fetch me my growth ray, would you? Alright Amazon Village! Next round coming up. Prepare for DEEP HURTING!!!! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!

[My oh my! What does Dr. F have in store now? Is Amazon Village up to it? Does rock climbing enter into it at all? And what about poor Bobo? These questions and more will be answered on the next episode of... Soap!]

- Ephiney

Ephiney [grunts in the most unlady-like way (and none of her toys are involved for once) as she turns away from the spy drones supplied by Jaguarita]: Break out the Giant Bug Spray, Kiddies. Dr. Forrester wants to turn this into a B movie.
Jag: I thought it already was.
Mac: Hum-hum-hum-hum...
Eph: What are you so happy about.
Mac: Evil plot. Don't pay me any attention.

[Jag and Eph both smother laughs.]

- Doug

Finally: the armoury!

[Doug and Cleo round a corner to the armoury... with a few thugs outside it. Doug grabs Cleo by the arm and pulls her into hiding before taking a closer look. A number of thugs are attempting entry into the building, but are failing without the proper entry codes and authorization. Standing guard are two women; one African-American, the other with a very long braid of blonde hair, almost down to her knees. The blonde is dressed as a chauffeur, and both carry rather large guns.]

Doug: I know these two...
Cleo: Big guns, nasty guns!
DM: Hello!
Doug: DM! Penfold! Hammy and Martha! Where's the rest of your travel-balls?
Martha [who is taking her turn in the hamster ball]: Oh, I'm afraid they got stuck, so we've been sharing this one.
Doug: We'll get them back after this whole fiasco is over with. Can you get through the rodent-sized entrance?
Penfold: Rats! Big ones!
DM: Penfold! Shush... [back to Doug] Ratigan and a few of his henchrats are blocking our way.
Doug: Boy, we need Hel and Sarge.
Hel: Present.
Cleo: Hel! Sarge! Yes, we're back in business!
Doug: Okay, I guess we take the armoury... Oops, I know who those two are now. Hope and Mercy, Mercy's the blonde, Lex Luthor's kick-ass bodyguards. They're tough and dangerously loyal.
Sarge: Alright! I've been itching for a good scrap!
Doug: [mumbling] We need to get your testosterone levels checked... [aloud] Okay, not much choice, we need to take the armoury. Everyone ready?
Sarge: Oh yeah!
Hel: Check!
Cleo: As ready as I'm ever gonna be, I guess.
DM: Tally-ho!
Penfold, Hammy and Martha: Ohhhhhh, dear...
Doug: Go!

[Meanwhile, back in Kitchen Stadium...]

[Dr. Evil's not having a good time. A number of small fires have broken out on his side and he and his minions have no clue what they're doing. A large glob of melted cheese sits on Evil's head.]

Doc Hattori: Well, this is certainly an interesting strategy on the challenger's part.
Fukui: You mean running around screaming trying to put out the flames on his arm?
Doc H: Well, among other things.
Bimbo du Jour: [giggle]
Fukui: So, Doc, how about filling us in on the theme ingredient today, cheese?
Doc H: Well, I would, but it's just going to go over everyone's heads anyway.
Fukui: Oooookay.
Ohta: Fukui-san!
Fukui: Dude, take it!
Ohta: I just had a word with the challenger and he seems a little tense. He keeps hitting his assistants with small appliances. He just turned to me and said, let me get this right, "Throw me a frickin' bone here!" He then proceeded to jam an assistant's head into the ice-cream machine.
Fukui: Hmmm, assistant-flavoured ice-cream, sounds interesting. Doc, any idea what that bone remark means?
Doc H: Well, he might want to make some soup stock with it.
Fukui: All right, cheese soup a possibility...

[Does Dr. Evil stand the slightest chance of winning against Morimoto? (Not likely.) Will our heroes take the armoury? (Almost certainly.) Will Doug continue to use cheap cutaways in order to reduce the amount of fight scenes he has to write? (Yup.) More to come...]

Re-taking the armoury

[Battle continues. Most weapons have been knocked away from their owners, leaving Hel and Sarge grappling with Mercy and Hope, respectively. Most of the thugs are pretty low level, and even Doug and Cleo can deal with them, although not without the occasional screech from Cleo. She does have an image to maintain, you know...]

Sarge: Damn! These two are almost as tough as we are!
Hope: Almost? I'll show you. Mercy! Move #23!
Mercy: Right!

[Mercy and Hope thrown Hel and Sarge in the air, where they slam into each other, knocking the wind out of them.]

Hel: [a little dazedly] That's it! Now I'm pissed off!

[They leap back at Hope and Mercy and begin to fight again. Meanwhile, Doug and Cleo have managed to get rid of the thugs.]

Doug: Thank god these were tech-thugs, or we wouldn't have had a chance.
Cleo: Looks like Hel and Sarge need help.

[Doug watches the four women roll around for a little bit.]

Cleo: Um, hello, Earth to Doug?
Doug: Pretty... [shakes head] Oops, sorry, zoned a little there.
Cleo: [sighs] Men. You wanna do something?
Doug: Sure. [yelling] Hey! Look! It's Superman!
Hope and Mercy: What? Where?

[Distracted look for Supes, Hope and Mercy are promptly brought down by punches from Sarge and Hel.]

Hel: Thanks.
Doug: No prob. Say, where's Hammy and gang?
Hammy: Over here.

[Hammy and Martha are trying to stay safe in the hamster ball. Danger Mouse stands triumphant over the unconscious forms of Ratigan and his henchmice. Penfold kneels in the middle of the carnage with his hands... um, paws, over his eyes.]

Penfold: Is it over yet?
Cleo: Yes! The armoury is ours!
Sarge: All right, let's tool up!

[What nifty weapons will our heroes find? Will they be good enough to get past the Daleks and allow them through the portal? Once through, what will we discover? Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep coming up with clever questions for this bit? More to come...]

Back to the portal

[Now armed with better weapons, Doug and crew run through the Village, trying to get back to the portal. While Doug and Hel just have really spiffy lasers, Cleo now has Ace's super-powered, Hand-of-Omega-enhanced baseball bat from "Doctor Who." Sarge, typically, took the biggest gun she could carry, one of the multi-purpose weapons the Marines used in "Aliens." As they make their way, villains jump out at them as they run, but all are swiftly dealt with.]

The Master: I am the Master! You will obe- [ZAP!] Ow!
A Klingon (from the bad 'ol days when they were villains): Die! [ZAP!] Ow!
Cancer Man: You'll never make it you kno-- [ZAP!] Ow!
Torgo: mY nAmE Is toRGo...
Doug: Cleo, let me have the bat. This one's mine.
Torgo: ...i lOOk aFtER thE plAcE wHIle thE mAsTEr Is aWAy...

[Doug clubs Torgo as hard as he can and returns the bat.]

Doug: That felt good. Thank you kindly.
Cleo: My pleasure.
Torgo: oOOh... tHaT'S goInG to LeAVe a mARk...

[They finally arrive and the Dalek-defended portal and battle begins...]

[Meanwhile, in Kitchen Stadium...]

Fukui: Time is up, the cheese battle is ovah!
Ohta: Well, Dr. Evil, how did the hour go?
Dr. Evil: Don't look at me! Don't you ****ing look at me!
Fukui: The Iron Chef, in excellent form, has produced 17 amazing dishes, which all harmonize perfectly with each other. The Challenger, Dr. Evil, has produced one grilled-cheese sandwich to be shared among the entire tasting panel.

[Back at the portal, Dalek bits lay scattered about the area. Doug and crew breathe heavily from the exertion.]

Hel: So I guess our next step is to raid the portal at try to end this.
Doug: Right, let's g--

[Doug is interrupted by a rumble and the earth shudders. Our heroes struggle to stay standing.]

Cleo: Eeee! What was that?

[The thuds continue to grow louder and a shadow falls over the group.]

Doug: [looking up] Eeep.

[A giant ant towers above them. TV's Frank sits on top like a cowboy.]

Frank: Hahahahahahahaha! I'm the king of the wooooorld!

[A final stomp from the giant ant, and they tumble to the ground, dropping their weapons.]

Hel: Doug! Our only chance is for someone to get through that portal and put an end to this! Go!
Doug: But--
Hel: Go! We'll handle this!
Cleo: We will?
Hel: GO!
Doug: Dammit...

[Doug grabs the closest weapon, the super-baseball bat, and dives into the portal...]

[What will Doug encounter on the other side of the portal, in Deep 13? Did he get stuck with the bat as a setup to a gag? Is this thing almost over? Stay tuned...]

Invasion: The Thrilling Conclusion! (Well, mildly amusing anyway...)

[Doug, complete with baseball bat, falls out of the portal in Deep 13. Shaking his head, he gets up and looks around. The place seems deserted.]

Doug: Always wanted to visit this place. Okay, let's see. Various nefarious looking devices. What's this?

[Doug approaches a plant, which speaks when he get near.]

Music-reviewing plant: Mozart's Requiem is a lovely piece, all the more poignant for not being finished...
Doug: Oh, you.

[The plant stops as Doug backs away.]

Doug: Gotta agree with Joel, that never seemed especially evil.

[Doug looks around a while longer before finding a Big Red Button (TM) (a couple feet in diameter), next to which there reads, in big red letters: DO NOT PUSH THIS BUTTON. VILLAINS WILL RETURN TO THEIR OWN SPACE-TIME CONTINUUMS AND PORTAL TO JOXOPOLIS WILL BE DESTROYED.]

Doug: Um... that looks promising.

[Doug reaches out to press the button as Dr. Forrester comes around the corner drinking a Tab. Seeing Doug, a spit-take ensues.]

Dr. F: Phhhhhhfttthhh!
Doug: Uh-oh.
Dr. F: Get away from there! What are you doing here anyway? Your little Theo was rescued by Mac!
Doug: So? Do you expect me to just let you keep running amok in the Village?
Dr. F: No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!

[Dr. F pulls out his own baseball bat.]

Dr. F: En garde!
Doug: Hey, no fair! Where'd you get one?

[Doug and Dr. F begin duelling each other a la light saber. The bats make appropriate buzzing noises as they're swung around.]

Doug: Give up, Forrester!
Dr. F: I don't think so! Why don't you join me?
Doug: What? I'll never join you!
Dr. F: But, Doug... I am your father!

[Fighting stops for a long pause.]

Doug: No, you're not.
Dr. F: Of course, I am.
Doug: Prove it.
Dr. F: Ummmm... no.
Doug: You can't, can you?
Dr. F: Of course I can!
Doug: No, you can't! Liar, liar, pants on fire.
Dr. F: Well, fine, then, don't believe me, see if I care. Now, die!

[Dr. F lunges for Doug, who steps out of the way, allowing Dr. F to ram into the Big Red Button (TM), activating the Villain Return (TM).]

Dr. F: Oops.

[Back in the Village, Cleo, Hel and Sarge fight desperately against Frank and his giant ant. But, suddenly, they begin to shimmer and become translucent. Across the Village, villains, both awake and unconscious, experience the same effect. The nogoodniks vanish (including poor Dr. Evil who was just about to be lynched by a group of dissatisfied food tasters.)]

[In Deep 13, Doug realizes he probably only has moments to get back through the portal and runs for it. Dr. F follows.]

Dr. F: Oh, no, you don't!

[As Dr. F is just about to grab Doug, Frank reappears where he should be, right in front of Dr. F. They go down.]

Dr. F: Poopie.

[Doug nears the portal, which is phasing in and out. With one last desperate leap, Doug makes it through the portal just as it closes. Everything goes black.]

[Some time later, Doug awakens; Cleo's face fills his field of vision.]

Cleo: Doug, you okay?
Doug: Oh, good, an angel, I made it to Heaven.
Sarge: He's okay.
Doug: [sitting up] Did it work?
Hel: Yup. The village is clean. A couple of extra craters here and there, but it certainly fared better than during the Amazon Clone Wars.

[Cleo helps Doug up.]

Doug: Well, I guess we should collect the rodents and then we can go home and collapse into a nice soft bed for a good rest.
Sarge: It sure was fun, though.
Cleo: Fun? All that carnage and destruction, fun?
Sarge: Sure. Don't be such a baby.
Cleo: Baby?! Who are you calling a baby?
Doug: [sighs] A nice, long, quiet rest.

[Several villains were harmed in the making of this insanity. Please remain in your seats until the vehicle comes to a complete stop.]

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