-Doug

Trouble at the SpaceBar!

[Doug and crew watch the last few moments of "SpaceBar"'s 1000th Episode Spectacular on the Astrometrics Lab big screen. Simon wears a big bow tie (he hates it), Grot is in a rather sad looking tux and the Waitron looks stunning in a little green number she's programmed up. They are saying their goodnights when, suddenly, the President of the Spacenik Corporation (legal owners of the 'Bar) and a couple of thugs burst in and tell the crew that they're being booted in favour of the reality program "Survivors in Space." They shut off Simon, deactivate the Waitron and start to drag away Grot.]

Doug: Dear God! Seven, open the portal!

[Seven pushes the appropriate buttons on a control panel, opening the dimension portal to the SpaceBar.]

Hel: Doug! Wait for backup!

[Doug doesn't listen and dives through the portal. Everyone is pretty surprised by this.]

Spacenik President: Who the hell are you?
Grot: [with a thug's hand over his mouth] Gmmmph! Mmm-mmm-mmmph!
Doug: Computer! Reactivate WAITRON-9000 program! Deny further access to that program to all other users! Authorization: Dougie Sweetie Thud Thud Thud!

[The Waitron reappears, looking stunned.]

Waitron: What the hell...?
Doug: Computer! Activate WAITRON-9000 Combat Protocols!

[The Waitron's head yanks back as if she's been hit in the head. Then she smiles and reaches down, tearing her dress up the sides à la Xena to allow herself more movement.]

Waitron: All right! Who wants some?

[Cut to several girl toys running up to the portal.]

Cleo: What is Doug thinking?
Hel: I know; he's no fighter!

[They rush in and stop and stare in amazement at the scene. The Waitron jumps and kicks all over the thugs holding Grot, yelling out the occasional "HAI!" or "YAH!" Meanwhile, Doug is repeatedly, if ineffectively, punching the Spacenik President.]

Doug: Nobody! [PUNCH!] Forcibly! [PUNCH!] Deactivates! [PUNCH!] The Waitron! [PUNCH!]

[Suddenly, the Spacenik Prez reaches out and grabs Doug by the throat.]

Doug: [strangled (duh)] Ah, a little help please...

[Sydney jumps into the fray, walloping the Prez away from Doug. Meanwhile, Grot has finally been freed from the thugs by the Waitron. As Grot hides behind the bar, the Waitron lands from her last kick and looks around frantically.]

Waitron: All right, who's next?! [looking down at an unconscious thug] How about you, buster, you want some more? [begins kicking the thug]

[Across the room, Sydney has the Prez pinned to the wall.]

Sydney: You and your little friends should probably leave now.
Spacenik Prez: This station is ours. If we leave now, we'll be back.
Sarge [approaching]: And we'll be waiting. Now go.
Waitron [still kicking]: And take your goons with you! [looking around wildly] Who else can I hit?
Doug: Computer, disengage WAITRON-9000 Combat Protocols!

[The Waitron sags a little for a moment and puts a hand to her head.]

Waitron: Whoa. What was that?
Doug: Um, I've had Seven working on some supplemental programming for you. It was supposed to be an Activation Day present. There's a few of them.
Waitron: [beaming] That's so sweet!
Theo: I helped. You should see the Naughty Nurse protocols.
Doug: Theo! ... Really?
Sydney: Doug!
Doug: Right, sorry. Could someone please see the weasels out?

[Sydney twists the Prez's arm behind his back and herds him towards the exit. Sarge and Hel take up the rear, dragging the thugs. The Prez's voice can be heard one last time.]

Spacenik Prez: This isn't over!
Doug [looking determined]: No. It's not.

[To be continued.]

The SpaceBar: What Now?

[Doug and several toys have gathered around the 'Bar. They are trying to work out what to do next.]

Sarge: I really think they're going to be back.
Doug: Yeah, I think you're right.
Grot: So what do we do?
Simon [now re-activated]: I say we give them the alien.
Grot: Hey!
Doug: You be quiet. [whacks Simon upside the head] And that is for calling the Waitron "the holographic slag"!
Simon: Oh, this is painful.
Doug: I don't think we have a lot of choice. Before they can come to us again, we need to go on the offensive. We're going down to Earth and taking on Spacenik Incorporated.
Seven: You are aware that the Earth to which you would travel is not the Earth you come from, or even the Earth that Joxopolis belongs to?
Doug: Yes, Seven, I'm quite aware of that. I think those of us that go down should be prepared for a little strangeness. Now, Grot, where's the shuttle?
Grot: Shuttle?
Doug: [sighs] The station doesn't have a shuttle?
Grot: Um... no.
Sydney: I guess we shouldn't have kicked those guys out. They had a shuttle.
Waitron: Escape pod.
Doug: What?
Waitron: The station has an escape pod. There's room for a few of us.
Doug: "Us"?
Waitron: You don't think I'd let you go without me, do you?

[The Waitron retrieves her mobile emitter and Grot's handheld Waitron remote from under the bar. She uses the remote to reprogram her evening dress into her standard outfit and clips on the emitter. She hands the device to Doug.]

Waitron: So, what are we waiting for? Let's get going.
Doug: But...
Seven: I believe that, in this instance, resistance is futile.
Doug: [sighs again] Okay. [pockets remote] Let's see this pod.

[To be continued.]

The SpaceBar: Assembling a Team

[Doug crawls into the 'Bar's escape pod, followed by the Waitron. They look around.]

Doug: Um, not a lot of room. If we bring along a decent team, it's gonna be snug.
Theo [popping head through door]: I think you mean cozy. [she grins]
Doug [exiting pod]: Hush. Okay, me and the Waitron. I'll need a couple of fighters. Sarge and Sydney, you're coming. And Seven, too. We might need some engineering/technical ability. [turns to the rest] Now, the rest of you, I need you to be on your guard. Spacenik will almost certainly be sending someone else up to re-claim the 'Bar. They may even be on their way as we speak. Hel, you're in charge, okay?
Hel: [nodding] No problem.
Doug: You might want to send someone off to the armoury and get stocked up. God only knows what kind of resources these guys have got.

[Cleo runs up and hugs Doug.]

Cleo: I wish you didn't have to go. You be careful, all right?
Doug: You bet.

[They break the hug but Cleo looks pensive. Doug climbs into the pod with the others. It's a snug fit, but not too tight.]

Yves: Good luck.
Doug: You too.

[As the pod door begins to close, Cleo seems to come to a decision and dashes through the door at the last possible second.]

Doug and Hel: Cleo!

[Inside the pod. With Cleo inside, now it's too tight a fit.]

Doug: Cleo! What are you doing?
Cleo: Listen, I almost lost you when you went flitting off between dimensions...
Doug: "Flitting?" Have you been hanging out with Nigella?
Cleo: ...I'm not letting you run off by yourself now! I'm keeping an eye on you!

[The pod shudders as it launches. Doug begins to slide down to the floor, but miraculously stops when his face ends up in Cleo's cleavage.]

Doug: Mmmph!
Sydney: [pulling Doug out] You okay?
Doug: Oddly enough, yes. Let me get around to the monitors so I can see our progress. And you [indicating Cleo] are in trouble when we get back, missy.
Cleo: [dimpling] Don't care.

[Doug tries to turn around in the cramped space and promptly ends up with his face in Sydney's chest.]

Doug: Ack! Sorry.
Sydney: Sure you are.
Doug: Oof!

[Doug continues his journey to the other side of the pod. Along the way, he manages to end up buried in Sarge's chest.]

Sarge: Okay, you're just doing this on purpose.
Doug: I am not!

[He works his way past the Waitron, successfully this time. The Waitron pouts a little, then grabs Doug and, once again, he's buried in bosom.]

Waitron: My turn! Okay, off you go.

[The Waitron shoves Doug into Seven. Guess where he ends up.]

Seven: Are you quite done?

[Doug pulls out for the last time and beings fiddling with controls.]

Doug: [grumbling] Everybody else has toys that behave themselves. Do I? Noooo. [sighs] Okay, all systems look alright. We're on our way to Earth. Look out Spacenik!

[To be continued.]

Meanwhile at Spacenik Inc.

[Spacenik Inc. HQ. The Spacenik President enters an office with the words "Big Kahuna" on the door. He approaches a massive desk, behind which sits an equally massive chair, turned away from the Pres.]

Spacenik Pres: Um... sir?

[The chair swings around, revealing a robed, hooded figure. Briefly revealing, as the chair continues to swing around.]

Mystery Figure: Whoa!

[The figure falls out of the chair, gets up, brushes himself off, and gets back in the chair.]

Mystery Figure: So, I understand there was some... [dramatic pause] ...interference?
Pres: I, uh, I'm afraid so, sir. This... portal appeared and--
Mystery Figure: Yes, yes, this was not... [dramatic pause] ...unanticipated. In fact, I was... [dramatic pause] ...counting on it. HahahahahaHAHAHAHAH-- cough, cough, sputter Ahem.

[The figure gets up and begins to walk around the desk.]

Mystery Figure: Yes, this has been... [dramatic pause] ...planned for. My assistant has arranged for troops and ships to be sent to take the SpaceBar and... [dramatic pause] ...what lies beyond the portaYIKES!

[The figure flips ass-over-teakettle, landing flat on his back. The hood falls away to reveal the face of... (okay, last dramatic pause) ...Dr. Clayton Forrester! As he gets up, he yells for...]

Dr. F: FRANK!!!

[TV's Frank enters from a side door.]

Frank: Yo, chief.
Dr. F: Frank, how many times do I have to tell you not to leave your Transformers lying around the place! Pick them up now and take our man here to organize the troops!
Frank: Sure thing, sorry Steve. [begins picking up]
Dr. F: At last, I'll have my revenge against Doug by taking over his precious SpaceBar and using it to gain secret access to Joxopolis! And this time, I won't be relying on other stupid villains who just screw things up! Just good old lackeys and cannon fodder!
Frank: [arms full of Transformer toys] Say, Dr. Eff. Two questions.
Dr. F: [sighs] What?
Frank: Why do you need to go after Doug so badly? Wouldn't it be better to just, um, leave him be instead of draw attention to ourselves?
Dr. F: [getting very dramatic and speaking with a slight accent] He tasks me! He tasks me and I shall have him! [back to normal] What else?
Frank: [looking around] Have you seen my Bumblebee figure anywhere? He sort of looks like an old Volkswagen Beetle...
Dr. F: Will you just go already?!

[Frank and Spacenik President high-tail it out.]

[To be continued...]

SpaceBar under attack again! (was Paging Annie B.)

[Editor's note: At this point Doug tried to get in touch with Annie B. regarding another matter. She responded:]

"Nah... I'll get some of the others to drop a note of at his hut. I'm sure there's still someone there that will make sure he gets it."

Annie wrote a short note and handed it to Shaggy. "Could you deliver this to Doug's hut? Take Scooby and Cody with you... they would both enjoy a walk, wouldn't you guys?"

"Rooby, rooby, roo!" Scooby Doo agreed. "Ret's go!"

[And Doug continued:]

[Hel greets Scoob, Shaggy and Cody at the 'Bar portal.]

[Everyone ducks as DM's flying car zooms by, with its space travel bubble up. It zips into the nearest airlock, then out into space.]

DM [over ship's speaker system]: Terribly sorry to leave, old chaps, but there's an adventure to be had down there and Penfold and I must be in the thick of thin-- Hold on now! You're not Penfold!
Hammy [over speakers]: Oh! Oh, dear! I just wanted to take a little nap in this comfy seat! Where are we going?
DM [over speakers]: Good guh-rief! WHOOOOAAAAA!!!!
Hel: DM? What's wrong?
DM [speakers]: It appears a large number of ships are on their way to the station! We almost ran right into one! Good luck!
Hel: Okay everyone, red alert! It looks like we're being invaded.
Yves: Again.
Hel: [to Scooby/Shaggy/Cody] You'd better get out of here. Tell the others! Any help would be a good thing right now!

[The 'Bar shudders.]

Simon: Oh, this is painful! We have multiple hull breaches caused by ships barrelling their way in! We're not losing any atmosphere, but it means they can all get in!
Scooby: Rikes! Re'we routta rere!
Grot: MOMMIEEEEEEE!
Simon: I still stay we give them shell-for-brains.

[Anyone who wants in on some action... help!]

[To be continued.]

Landing on Earth-CHUM

[Somewhere in the Earth-CHUM version of Toronto, Ontario, there sits a drive-in theatre. Unlike most drive-in theatres, this one continues to entertain visitors thanks to a bejumpsuited figure who still loves to watch films from the drive-in heyday, playing reels from his massive collection of celluloid every night.]

[One late afternoon, as dusk approaches, the figure, Drive-In Dick, looks up as a ball of flaming metal comes crashing down in the middle of his theatre.]

Dick [who, incidentally, look a lot like a human version of the SpaceBar's Grot]: Whoa!

[Dick grabs a drive-in speaker on a stand and runs up to the object. The large metal sphere seems intact. A hatch pops open on the side and Seven of Nine emerges, looking dishevelled. She is followed by Doug, who looks terrible.]

Doug: Okay, let's not do that again in a hurry. [noticing Dick] Oh, hi, there.
Dick: Hi there. I'm Drive-In Dick and this [indicating drive-in speaker] is my friend Simon.
Doug: Yeah, I know. I saw when you dropped by the 'B--OOF!

[Doug is knocked to the ground as the others pop out of the hatch.]

Cleo: Sorry!
Doug: [getting up, addressing Dick] Um, sorry about the mess.
Simon: That's okay. The place is a dump anyway.
Dick: Yeah, but it's my dump.
Simon [apparently noticing the Waitron]: Hey, it's that holo-chick from that SpaceBar. She's hot.
Waitron: Oh! Why, thank you. [blushes a little]
Dick: Let's all head back to the projection building and you can tell me what that was all about.

[A little later, all are gathered in Dick's place. Doug is finishing their tale.]

Doug: ...so, here we are, on our way to Spacenik to try and save the 'Bar.
Simon: Man, that sucks.
Doug: Don't it, though? I was hoping the escape pod would home in on the Spacenik building, but it was obviously some pretty crappy construction and we crashed here instead.
Dick: Well, you're in the ballpark anyway. Spacenik is in town. I've had a few dealings with them myself. They've tried to have my drive-in demolished.
Simon: It's pretty well-guarded. It'll be tough to get into.
Dick: We'll help any way we can. And we have a couple of friends... well, more like acquaintances, who might be able to lend a hand...

[To be continued.]

-Annie

Toy request WAS: SpaceBar under attack again!

DM [speakers]: It appears a large number of ships are on their way to the station! We almost ran right into one! Good luck!
Hel: Okay everyone, red alert! It looks like we're being invaded.
Yves: Again.
Hel: [to Scooby/Shaggy/Cody] You'd better get out of here. Tell the others! Any help would be a good thing right now!

[The 'Bar shudders.]

Simon: Oh, this is painful! We have multiple hull breaches caused by ships barrelling their way in! We're not losing any atmosphere, but it means they can all get in!
Scooby: Rikes! Re'we routta rere!
Grot: MOMMIEEEEEEE!
Simon: I still stay we give them shell-for-brains.

*** Scooby and Shaggy wasted no time running back to Anne's hut. As they were running, they noticed Anne near Mel's hut, talking to Prue and Piper.

"Quick, Scoob! Like, over there!" Shaggy shouted.

"Right, Raggy," Scooby nodded.

The dog ran ahead of his slender owner, leaping into Anne's arms, licked her face once. "Relp!" he said, anxiously.

Anne put Scooby down on the ground and scratched his ears as Shaggy ran up. "What's up?" she asked.

"Like, Doug needs help! Like, now," he answered quickly.

Prue looked concerned. "What's going on, Shaggy?"

Shaggy took a deep breath. "Well, Scooby and I delivered that message to Doug's hut, like you asked, and then a mouse and a hamster jumped into a spaceship and zoomed off through some kind of weird tunnel, and then there was, like, a big boom, and they said something about being invaded by space ships! We're being invaded by martians!!"

Anne turned to an amused Piper and Prue and grinned. "You know, if this was anywhere else, I'd think he was crazy!" The girls laughed as the man and dog looked at each other in confusion.

"Uh... what's so funny?" Shaggy asked.

Anne shook her head. "Nothing, Shaggy. Why don't you and Scooby tell the others in our hut. Let Angelus know that he'll be allowed to vamp out. Tell them to meet me and Xena at Doug's hut."

"Uh... what about me and Scoob?" Shaggy asked nervously.

"You two need to stay here and take care of the hut. I don't want anyone stealing all the Scooby Snacks!" she answered and winked at the witches.

Scooby grinned. "R'okie dokie!" Turning around, he dashed back to the hut, with Shaggy following.

"Hey! Wait up, Scoob ol' pal!" the man hollered as he ran.

The three girls giggled as they watched the two try to beat each other back to Anne's hut. One would get ahead and then get pulled back by the other.

"Well, looks like tea time is over. Thanks for granting my Spider-Man request. Seeing as how I'll be away from the hut for a bit, and obviously can't take Maria with me, I'd like to request another toy if you don't mind," the goddess asked.

"Who is it now?" Prue asked. "Another dog? How about Rin Tin Tin?"

"Yeah," Piper grinned. "Or Lassie?"

"Ooh! Ooh! Or what about that dog from Mad About You? What was his name?" Prue giggled.

"Murray?" Piper laughed.

Anne smiled, and waited for the sisters to calm down before she spoke. "Actually, I'm going to need a nanny to take care of Maria and Connor while Angel and I are away fighting the evil Spaceniks."

"But I thought that Tony was already taken?" Prue asked, confused.

"Tony has been taken, and it wasn't him I was thinking of. He's more of a housekeeper anyway, not a kid-keeper. I'm thinking more along the lines of nanny Fran Fine, from 'The Nanny,'" Anne responded.

"Well... let me check the list..." Piper said.

-Doug

'Barfight!

[Small battles ensue here and there. The 'Bar side is just holding its own.]

Hel: Damn! How many of these guys are there?
Grot: [does his baby scream]
Simon: Oh, shut up, you big girl. At least you can run and hide. I'm rooted to the spot!

[Hel shoots like mad at any advancing forces, while Yves does her best to pummel any strays that get through.]

Hel: Theo! Take Grot and get out of here! And send Mauser in!
Theo: Right! C'mon, Grot!
Grot: AAAAAHHHH!!

[Both run out into main room.]

Theo: Mauser! Hel and Yves need you!
Mauser: Acknowledged.

[Mauser enters the 'Bar, where he begins to help crack heads. Meanwhile, Theo and Grot run into Nigella's kitchen.]

Nigella: Bit of a to-do out there, then?
Theo: I'll say. We're under attack. Grot, calm down! You're hyperventilating!
Nigella: Here, eat something.

[She hands Grot a plate with some sort of chicken/pasta combination on it. Grot tucks in, calming down.]

Nigella: [smiling] The healing power of food.
New voice: Not that it'll help.

[All turn around to see a well-armed TV's Frank enter the kitchen.]

Theo: Oh, god, not Frank.
Frank: That's right! I'm back, baby! Um, babies... Never mind, I'm just back!
Theo: How'd you get past the others?
Frank: Because I'm like a cat. [does a goofy pose] Tshah! All stealthy like.
Nigella: You got lucky, didn't you?
Frank: Well... maybe.

[Theo glances pointedly at Nigella and then down at the large, cast-iron skillet on the stove. Nigella nods back very slightly.]

Theo: [getting all seductive] Say, Frankie...
Frank: Um... [gulp]... yeah?
Theo: Remember the first time you invaded the village and you held me so you and Doctor Forrester could take me away to your lair?

[As Theo sweet talks Frank, she slowly manoeuvres him so his back is to Nigella.]

Frank: Um... [gulp]... yeah?
Theo: I kind of liked the way you held me in your big, strong arms.
Frank: Uh... uh...

[Nigella hoists the skillet.]

Nigella: Oh... Frank, was it?

[Frank turns around just as Grot comes up behind Nigella.]

Grot: Say, that was good, do you have any m--

[Nigella swings the skillet over her shoulder, beaning Grot, then forward to knock out Frank. THUD! THUD! Theo and Nigella look down at Grot.]

Nigella: Oops.

[Back in the 'Bar, the battle seems to be heating up. Unseen by anyone, Martha Mouse and Penfold sneak in. Well, Penfold is more being dragged in than anything.]

Penfold: Oh, crumbs! Martha! Is this a good idea?
Martha: We have to do our part, Penfold.
Penfold: Oh, 'eck.

[Up a little higher.]

Mauser: I have received word that some reinforcements are on their way. Annie and Xena are approaching.
Hel: Good! I don't know how much longer... we'll...

[Hel's head follows in amazement as a Spacenik trooper runs by, arms flailing. He seems to have Martha attached (by the teeth) to one hand, and Penfold to his nose.]

Trooper: Aaah! Gettemoff! GettemOFF!
Hel: Riiight then. [resumes firing]

[To be continued.]

-Sue Ellen

A group of toys were assembling on the back porch of Sue Ellen's hut. They were staring towards Doug's hut.

Draco was pointing with one hand. "OK, wait for it ... wait for it ..."

Tasha jumped a bit excitedly. "THERE! There, did you see it that time?!"

Data nodded. "Well, yes. I also saw it the other 12 times but a flash of light does not necessarily preclude that there is certainly phaser blasts erupting from a room in Doug's hut."

Tasha put her hands on her hips in annoyance. "Well, I say they're phaser blasts and I ought to know, don't you think? We need to get over there."

Spike nodded from the doorway. "I'm with her. Let's go find some nasties to carve up." He vamps out.

Draco runs past him. "Le'me get my sword!"

Spike smirks. "Aw, look'it he's so excited. Warms my heart, or it would. So, slim, you com'in?"

Data looks at Tasha who raises her eyebrows in a 'if you don't you will be so sorry' kind of way. He nodded. "If Tasha believes there is a conflict I am ultimately inclined to concur with her assessment."

Tasha darts in after Draco. "Right I'll go get the phasers!"

Data follows at a more leisurely rate. As Data walks past him, Spike makes a sound like a cat's mew and then a whip cracking. Data keeps walking but shakes his head. "You have no idea."

Spike laughs and slaps him on the shoulder. "Com'on, slim, it'll be fun!"

In moments the home bound toys and Trina are in the greatroom with various weaponry of destruction. As news spread the war party grew to include, the aforementioned Draco, Data, Tasha and Spike and now it seemed that Ibn and Tony had joined the force. Balki stood holding Trina and Autolycus was lounging across the couch.

Tasha was handing Tony a phaser. "Yeah, right, like a 357. You sure you can handle that?"

"Lady, I'm from Brooklyn," Tony replied incredulously.

Ibn spun his personally forged scimitar in his hands. "Well, 'ave we ana'thing resembling a plan?"

Spike grinned a toothy grin. "Go. Hack. Slash. Kill."

Balki cringed. "Now might be a - a good time to rrrecommend a little rrrestraint."

Auto sighed. "Don't waist your time, Balki." Data nodded and tossed Auto a communicator. Auto looked at the shiny gold and silver and quipped. "Why Data, I didn't know you cared."

Data looked confused a moment and then nodded. "Ah. Humor. Actually it is a communicator. If the situation at Doug's house is problematic and becomes serious I will attempt to warn you so that you might get to safety."

Auto stood up. "Hey, look, I might not be all excited about going out and finding trouble but that doesn't mean I'm going to run hiding like a coward."

Data nodded. "That is good to know, because there will only be you and Mr. Bartokomous left to protect the child."

Auto nodded. "Ah well, OK, no problem. But I don't do diapers." He pointed at Balki.

Balki shook his head and shifted Trina to his shoulders. "Of course not! Don' be ridiculous!"

Draco was waiting with his hand on the door. "Less talk. More action."

The group poured out of the hut. Trina waved. "Bubye bubye!" Balki waved too. Auto looked at him and mock waved also. "Bye guys! Have fun storming the ... neighbors."

Balki thought a second. "Think Tony'll be back in time to make dinner?"

Auto shook his head and walked back into the house. "It'd take a miracle."

-Doug

More 'Barfight!

[Battle continues as Spacenik troopers continue their assault on the SpaceBar.]

Hel: We're seriously outnumbered here!
Simon: That's it! We're dead!
Yves: You're such an optimist.

[Suddenly, a cry rings throughout the 'Bar and Xena comes flying into view.]

Xena: YIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI!!! [landing] Need help?
Hel: Feel free!
Annie B [entering]: I'm here, too!
Simon: Imagine my joy.

[As Annie passes by Simon, she gives him a good smack in the head before joining the battle.]

[Several troopers are looking rather more worried when they realize they're up against a real-life Xena. They look even more distressed when Sue Ellen's toys enter. Phaser fire fills the air and hand-to-hand abounds. Spike and Draco in particular seem to enjoy themselves.]

Data [holding a trooper in the air with one hand]: Perhaps a retreat on your part would be a wise tactic.

[The trooper nods frantically and runs like the dickens when Data puts him down.]

Spike: Ah, c'mon, Slim, you hardly even roughed 'im up!
Data: But any further violence was unnecessary.
Spike: Best kind.
Simon: AAAHH!
Yves: What is it, Simon?
Simon: Is that Tony Danza?
Tony: Naw, I'm his character Tony from "Who's the Boss?"
Simon: [whimpering] Deeper and deeper into the pits of Hell I go...
Annie B: Better not let Sue Ellen hear you say stuff like that her toys. Could be trouble. [she does not seem at the distressed at the idea of said trouble]

[A trooper from a previous post runs by, arms flailing, with Martha Mouse and Penfold still attached by the teeth to various body parts.]

Trooper: GET! THEM! OFF!!!
Spike: Gotta say, I approve of the technique.
Hel: Hello?! Less talk, more fight! I think we're starting to push them back!

[Battle resumes.]

[To be continued... Anyone want a turn?]

-Nacey

[Ares is sitting on the couch with Nacey in the middle of the village. His little Goddess is chatting it up with Casey and Joel, giggling and being her usual hormonal giggly self. His eyes widen, and he sits up straight.]

Ares: Big fight!
Nacey: [still talking to Casey and Joel] And then right in the chorus I fell off the stage!
Casey: [laughs] You were singing Murder on the Dance-floor... falling off the stage... oh no way!
Joel: Did you hurt yourself?
Nacey: No - the stage was only a foot high.
Ares: [jumps up] I said there's a FIGHT!
Nacey: [snaps out of hormone daze momentarily] Wah? Where?
Ares: [Points an arm out, closes his eyes and puts a hand over them. His arm shakes like a weirding wand, then suddenly points upwards] There!
Joel: [tilts head and sings tune to Close Encounters of the Third Kind]
Ares: [claps hands together] I'm needed! I'm off!
Nacey: [opens mouth, but before she can say anything, the great lug disappears] Oh poopie.
Joel: You gonna go with him?
Nacey: [smiles reminiscently] Yeah. I like to watch him work. Coming boys?

[Joel & Casey start making up a few different excuses.]

Nacey: Oh come on you two! You haven't lived until you've seen Ares fight! [grabs them and disappears into the aether to reappear at the battling space bar.]

-Christie

Data [holding a trooper in the air with one hand]: Perhaps a retreat on your part would be a wise tactic.

[The trooper nods frantically and runs like the dickens when Data puts him down.]

Maximus {peeking through the window at the action and assessing the troopers fighting abilities} "Oh this is prime."

William Wallace {shaking his head with a smile} "Aye, you think we should add our skill to the lads and lasses?"

Maximus {laughs and shakes his head} "We are both crazy my friend but I think we both stop at phaser fire. I think we will cover their backs from the outside."

{Just then a trooper comes running past them and William lifts his sword hitting the man in the back of the head with the hilt and the man effectively hits the ground.}

Maximus {looking very amused} "See how much we are needed here?"

{They wait for more to try and retreat}

-Sara

Hobbes looks over to Doug's hut and then back at Ed. "There's a fight," he said.

"You're quick," Ed replied sarcastically.

Hobbes shot him a look. "We might be needed."

"Not me," Ed smirked, holding up his hands. "I'm not a fighter. I'm a..."

"Lawyer. Yeah, we know." Ed shook his head. "I don't think Sara would like her new toys getting hurt before she even sees them. I've seen plenty of heroes go over there already. They probably already have it under control."

"Fine, fine," Hobbes grumbled. "We should go make sure the Keep is all right."

"She's a big girl, I'm sure she can take care of herself. Besides, didn't Darien tell me that once she had a bigger gun than both..." Ed smirked.

Hobbes waved him off. "Yeah, yeah, we all know the story." He looked at Ed, who had a bemused expression on his face. "We'll check on the whole house then. Unless you think it can take care of itself."

Ed just grinned at him, which kinda irked Hobbes. "C'mon Red, let's go bake some more muffins for that Dwarf when they get back. He seemed particularly fond of them."

-Doug

Saving the SpaceBar: NurseQuest Part 1

[On Earth-CHUM, Doug and his toys have a plan to gather more recruits. Drive-In Dick will remain at his drive-in and get in touch with the Nurse and Trish D'Lish, two acquaintances of his who might be of help. Doug is taking Sarge and the Waitron to meet Trish, while Cleo, Seven and Sydney will meet with the Nurse. Then both teams are to meet at Spacenik HQ in {announcer's voice} beautiful downtown Toronto!]

[Cleo, Seven and Sydney make their through the city. It's late, so there's not too many people about, but the ones that are often give them funny looks. Cleo looks funny at some of them.]

Cleo: Um, is it just me, or do a lot of these people look a lot like versions of Grot and the Waitron?
Seven: Approximately a third of the population does bear a passing resemblance to the SpaceBar inhabitants. It would seem that in this reality, certain gene pools have dominated the genetic landscape.
Cleo: But... Grot's a alien. And the Waitron's a computer program.
Seven: [does that eyebrow thing] Yes... that is correct. However, I can think of no other explanation.
Sydney: The whole place is just weird.

[A new voice rings out. An annoying, sarcastic voice.]

Voice: Oh, look! A Staaaaar Trek character!

[The girls turns around to see someone who looks (surprise) sort of like Grot (and Drive-In Dick, for that matter). He's dressed in jeans and a t-shirt that says in bold, black letters "NO MORE STARTREK". He also has a couple of "No more Startrek" pins (and yes, "Star Trek" is always misspelled as one word). He looks at Seven with a heck of a lot of contempt. He is... the Anti-Star Trek Guy.]

ASTG: Dear God, have you people no shame? Walking around in public in your stupid little costumes, letting the world see what losers you are. God, I am so sick of you people and your stupid little show. Every time I turn on Space it's "Star Trek: The Original Series"... "Star Trek: The Next Generation"... "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine"... and "Star Trek: Voyager"! Now you've got this stupid "Enterprise" series too! You sorry people living in your parents' basements, getting them to make you these sad little costumes [indicates Seven's attire]. I don't know who you two are supposed to be, but I'm sure you're no better. Hell, if you weren't girls, I'd kick your Trekkie asses---

[THWACK! Sydney punches ASTG in the face.]

ASTG: [wobbling] ---halfway---

[THWACK! Cleo kicks him in the shin.]

ASTG: [now wobbling and teetering] ---across---

[SLURP! Seven extends her 'Borg tubes and pumps ASTG full of 'Borg nanites.]

ASTG: ---the... gala... xy... I am Zero of None... resistance... is... fu...

[ASTG whimpers softly and falls to the ground.]

Cleo: Uh, Seven, I'm not sure Doug would approve of the assimilating.
Sydney: Yeah, but, Doug's not here, is he?
Seven: Do not concern yourself, Cleopatra. The assimilation will only be temporary. [looks down at ASTG] That'll put marzipan in your pie-plate, Bingo! [shakes head to clear it]
Sydney: You know, you really should get that looked after. Now, are we any closer to this "Horror Nurse's" place?

[Lightning flashes, thunder rumbles. Up on a nearby hill sits a large, old, scary mansion. The full moon shines down on it and a howl can be heard in the distance.]

Sydney: I'm guessing that's the place.
Cleo: Ya think?

[To be continued.]

'Barfight: Simon goes to pieces

[Things are getting messy at the 'Bar. In addition to the original group of Doug's toys, Annie with Xena, and Sue Ellen's bunch, now Nacey has shown up with some of her boys. Boy, those Spacenik guys don't stand a chance!]

Ares: Oh yeah!

[Ares takes great delight in shooting fireballs willy-nilly. He's less than careful, just enjoying the carnage.]

Hel: [ducking] Hey, big guy! You want to watch it?!
Ares: Not really!
Xena: Ares! Cut it out! Bad guys only!
Ares: Oh, all right.

[Ares shoots again, narrowly missing Spike.]

Spike: Oi!
Nacey: Ares!
Ares: What? He's a bad guy.
Nacey: Not in the Village he's not!
Spike: [indignant] Anyway, I've reformed.
Ares: Sigh Some people. No sense of humour.

[Ares begins attacking the Spacenik troopers. Meanwhile, across the 'Bar, Simon jerks back and forth, unable to do much.]

Simon: This sucks! I'm doomed! I need arms! More importantly, right now I need legs! To run away!

[A small grenade of some type lands right on Simon's serving tray.]

Simon: Oh, fu--

[BOOM! Bits of Simon fly everywhere.]

Hel: Damn! Simon?! [Yves catches Simon's head.]

Simon: This is painful!

[Joel rushes up with Casey.]

Joel: Robots made of scraps are my speciality. Casey, help me gather up Simon's parts. Then off to Nigella Lawson's kitchen. It looks like they've set a bit of a safe haven there.
Casey: Right!

[Meanwhile, in said kitchen...]

Frank: Oh, c'mon, get off! Please?
Nigella: Nope.

[Nigella sits on Frank, so he can't get up. Lucky so-and-so.]

Frank: I promise I won't try anything.
Nigella: Nope. Theo, how's Grot?
Theo: Better. He's eating again.
Nigella: [delighted] Oh, good.
Grot: [approaching and talking with his mouth full] Man, this is good grub. We should serve this in the 'Bar instead of those past-their-best-by-date pretzels.
Nigella: Grot, I'm dreadfully sorry about the frying pan in the head.
Grot: 'Sokay. It's not really a vital area. [twiddles his thumb] Now, if you'd hurt my channel-flipping muscle, I'd be upset.

[Joel and Casey enter, arms full of Simon part.]

Grot: Simon! My God! What happened?! Simon, speak to me!
Simon: Piss off, clam-face.
Nigella: Ah, he's not that badly off, then.
Joel: Anywhere we can work on him?
Nigella: Pick any counter; shove stuff around if you need to.
Joel: Thanks.

[Simon parts are dumped on a convenient kitchen counter. Joel rubs his hands in anticipation.]

Joel: All right! To work!

[To be continued.]

Saving the SpaceBar: TrishQuest Part 1

[Doug, Sarge and the Waitron are in another part of town, on their way to meet Trish D'Lish, the Drive-In Dish.]

Sarge: So, what's up with this Trish woman?
Doug: She's another movie host.
Waitron: [less than approving] She's a bimbo.
Doug: And she looks just like you.
Waitron: She does not!
Doug: You're a red-head, she's a brunette. Otherwise, physically, she's you. Although I will grant you she comes across even more, um, well-endowed than you, somehow.
Waitron: It's because she dresses... suggestively.
Sarge: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah. You never do that.
Waitron: Hey!
Doug: Ladies, please? We need to find this theatre that Trish is supposed to be visiting tonight. [looks at address scribbled on piece of paper] It should be around here somewhere...

[As the trio look around, they notice a wild-eyed man going past, muttering to himself, waving his arms in the air. He wears a jacket covered with buttons and pins of every description. This is the Conspiracy Guy.]

Doug: Uh-oh. Conspiracy Guy. Don't make eye contact.
Waitron: Too late!
CG: [approaching] Oh, yeah! I know the truth! I know a guy who knows a guy, no names. He works at Spacenik. He's seen it. [noticing Waitron] You know, you look kind of like my mom.
Waitron: [less than pleased] Great.
Sarge: Hold on! What about Spacenik?
CG: They have plans! [walks away, voice fading] Oh, yes, my friends! They have plans!
Doug: Hoo boy. Kinda hard to know whether to take that seriously or not.
Sarge: Hey, there's the place.

[Doug looks around at a rather tawdry looking theatre. Across the marquee reads the film title...]

Doug: "Chained Heat Part 11"?
Waitron: Accessing. [usual classic Trek computer sounds as Waitron looks up movie stuff] "Chained Heat Part 11." [looks displeased] Oh. Women in prison film. Yay.
Doug: Well, we've gotta get Trish.
Waitron: Why?
Doug: Because we need all the help we can get.

[Doug and the girls walk up to the ticket booth.]

[To be continued.]

-Annie

Re: 'Barfight: Simon goes to pieces

Anne and Xena fight back to back, ducking every now and then to avoid Ares' fireballs. Bodies of slain Spaceniks lie scattered around the bar, and yet there seemed to be more coming all the time.

"Where's the back-up?" Xena asked as she sliced and diced another baddie.

"I sent a message to Angel, I believe he's on his..."

"I'm here," the vampire answered as he walked through the portal and tossed aside a Spacenik who tried to attack him. A large rottweiler came through the portal as well and looked around. Seeing Anne, the dog bounded over to her side.

"Hello, Cody," the Amazon said affectionately as she reached down to scratch behind the dog's ears. "Are you here to help?" she asked as she brought the hilt of her sword down on her foe's head and slashed the belly of another one.

"Yes," Cody answered and growled at two approaching Spaceniks who were trying to sneak up on them.

"Great," Ares commented. "Just what we need, a talking dog!"

Nancy tapped her husband on the shoulder. "Uh... dear? Less talk... more fight."

Ares grinned and flicked his fingers stylishly, sending a lightning bolt into the backside of an unsuspecting Spacenik. "That better?" he asked and pulled Nancy close to him.

"Much," she breathed.

Xena rolled her eyes. "Oh, for crying out loud! Get a room, you two!"

Ares tried to glare at the Warrior Princess, but she had turned her back to him as she fought yet another enemy. Frustrated, he raised his hand and was about to send a minor fireball her way, but Nancy stopped him with a look, and he threw it towards a group of baddies.

Anne glanced at Angel and noticed that he was slowly being overwhelmed. "Angel, where's the others?" she asked as she defended herself against another attack.

"Angelus is watching TV, Odo is in his liquid state and said he will be here as soon as he can, and I'm not sure about the rest," the vampire answered as he ducked a phaser blast.

Anne's eyes glowed red when she heard about Angelus. Turning to her beloved pet, she nodded back towards the portal, "Cody, I'm giving you the temporary ability to teleport Angelus and anyone else who can fight back to here. I don't want you to return... I need you to stay on the other side of the portal and make sure that no Spaceniks make it through! Understand?"

The dog nodded and quickly ran back through the portal towards Anne's hut.

-Doug

Saving SpaceBar: NurseQuest Part 2

[Seven, Sydney and Cleo stand at the front door of the big, scary mansion. No one makes any sudden moves.]

Sydney: Ahem... Well... I guess we should knock.
Cleo: I'm not gonna knock.
Seven: [sighs] Very well.

[Seven lifts her hand to knock, but before she can make contact with the door, it creaks open by itself. Lightning flashes to reveal... the Nurse. She looks very much like the Waitron, if the Waitron were an undead thing with long, blood-red hair. She wears an exaggerated fantasy-version of a nurse's outfit. Past-her-elbows black gloves, top open to reveal the top of her corset, short little skirt, fishnet stockings and high heels. Dead sexy. But with her dead expression and undead appearance, she still manages to be more creepy than desirable.]

Nurse: [completely dead-pan] Yes?
Cleo: Yikes!
Seven: I believe you may be expecting us.
Nurse: Oh. Yeah. You must by the ones Dick called about. Come in.

[The Nurse turns and walk stiffly into the foyer. The others follow, Cleo and Sydney more apprehensive than Seven.]

[The Nurse suddenly whirls around, now holding a tray, upon which sit several glasses of red liquid.]

Nurse: Drink?
Cleo: EEEEEE.

[Pause.]

Seven: Cleopatra, would you please get down?
Cleo: [embarrassed] Sorry.

[Cleo climbs down from Seven's arms. The Nurse doesn't seem to notice to exchange.]

Nurse: Bloody Mary?
Cleo: [reaching for one] I sure could use a drink. My nerves are shot.
Sydney: I think I'd rather keep a clear head for what's coming up. No alcohol for me, thanks.
Nurse: [lifts one eyebrow] What alcohol?

[PPPPPPHHHHHHTTTTTT! Spit take from Cleo.]

Cleo: Oh. Oh, God. I think I'm gonna be sick. Excuse me. [runs outside with mouth over her hand]
Sydney: [raising a hand] Okay, who saw that coming?
Seven: [ignoring the shenanigans] Are you able to assist us in our mission?
Nurse: Sure. Any opportunity to cause bodily harm.
Sydney: Okay, you're just creepy.
Nurse: [smirking - as close as she gets to smiling] Thank you.
Seven: We should proceed to Spacenik and meet the others.

[As they all leave, they rejoin Cleo outside, just as she pulls her head out of some bushes.]

Cleo: Oooohhhh...
Seven: Cleopatra, we are leaving now.
Cleo: Thank God, I can't get away from here fast enough. [notices the Nurse looking her way.] What are you starin' at?
Nurse: I was thinking you would make a yummy morsel for some big, horrible slavering beast.
Cleo: EEEEEE!
Sydney: Cleo, get down!

[To be continued.]

Saving SpaceBar: TrishQuest Part 2

[Inside the seedy theatre.]

Waitron: That had to hurt.
Sarge: Well, he should've watched his mouth.
Doug: Okay, enough about the guy in the ticket booth. Let's find Trish.
Sarge: [looking at screen] Wow. I didn't think the position was possible.
Doug: [also looking at screen] GNYAH! [squeezes eyes shut] Mother of mercy! [opens eyes again, but avoiding the screen] Can we find Trish quickly please?

[This turns out to be not too difficult. There is just a lone figure (a what a figure - rim shot) in the theatre, sitting in the front row. Looking much like the Waitron, Trish has long, curly brown hair. She wears a sparkly red revealing dress. The neck line plunges about as far as it can without being indecent (and maybe a little bit more) and is quite short, showing an extremely generous portion of leg. She munches on popcorn; when the occasional kernel falls down her cleavage, she unashamedly reaches it to pull it out and eat it.]

Doug: Um, excuse me, Trish?

[Trish turns to face Doug with her perpetual great big smile.]

Trish: Yes? Hhnrryuhn-hnuh. [this is the closest possible phonetic spelling of Trish's giggle] Ooo, a man! Hhnrryuhn-hnuh.
Doug: Um, yes, very observant of you. I'm Doug, Dick should have called you.
Trish: Oh, you're Dougie! Hhnrryuhn-hnuh. I'll do absolutely anything I possibly can to help you on your little mission. Hhnrryuhn-hnuh. And I mean anything.

[Trish leans forward provocatively, giving Doug a very good view of her truly impressive cleavage, which Doug tries desperately to not look at directly. He doesn't do too well.]

Doug: Uh...

[The Waitron rolls her eyes and steps between Trish and Doug.]

Waitron: Listen, sister, we've got a job to do. Are you coming or what?
Trish: Just as soon as my movie's finished. Hhnrryuhn-hnuh.
Waitron: [as all take seats] Oh, God, we have to sit through the rest of "Chained Heat Part 11"?
Trish: Oh, yes, it's one of my favourite in the series. Hhnrryuhn-hnuh. Not as good as Part 9, but definitely better than Part 10. Hhnrryuhn-hnuh. Anyway, it's almost done. Just one more big shower scene in the women's prison. Hhnrryuhn-hnuh. Oh, there it is!

[All look up to see... well, you figure it out... on the screen.]

Doug: GNYAHHHH!!!

[Doug slaps his hand over his eyes to block the sight. Unfortunately, because he wears glasses, this kinda hurts.]

Doug: [clutching at face] Ow! For the love of God!
Trish: Oh, poor baby! Here. Hhnrryuhn-hnuh. Let me make it better.

[Trish grabs Doug's head and buries his face in her chest. Trish giggles while Doug's arms flail.]

Waitron: How does he manage to do that?
Sarge: [shrugging] It's a gift.

[To be continued.]

-Annie

Maria's first birthday...

Annie looked around at the carnage in the Space Bar and wiped her sword on a nearby body. She wiped a stray lock of hair from her face and glanced around to check on the others. Xena was checking the bodies for any survivors, and Angel was making his way to her. Through the portal they could see a large rottweiler watching from the other side.

"I think we're finished here... for now," Xena commented as she nudged another lifeless body.

"Awww... you mean the fun's over?" Ares pouted.

Annie grinned at the God of War. "I'm sure there will be others arriving soon. Why don't you stick around? I'm sure Nancy would LOVE to see you in action again," she winked at the Assistant Goddess of Love.

Before anyone could comment further a large brown dog leaped through the portal and looked around worriedly. Seeing there was no danger he breathed a sigh of relief and walked over to Anne. "Rannie! Raria's rarty!"

"Hi, Scooby! Rarty? OH!! It's Maria's FIRST birthday party!! Has Zachary got everything prepared?" Annie asked.

Before the great dane could answer a parrot sized prehistoric bird flew through the portal and landed on Annie's outstretched arm.

"I have a message from Mr. Zachary. Would you like to hear it?" the Postal Bird asked.

"Yes, please continue," the former Goddess of Torment answered.

"I have the food and music prepared. We are awaiting your return," Postal Bird quoted. "Is there a reply?"

"Yes.... No. I'll be returning now," Annie answered and the bird flew back through the portal. "Xena, Angel, let's go! Nancy, you are Ares are welcome to come and join us, if you want. It's my daughter's first birthday party! I've got to go ... but feel free to drop in!"

Waving her hand, Annie and her toys disappeared...

[Editor's note: At this point, this thread breaks of into its own plot line. So, we continue on with...]

-Doug

Saving the SpaceBar: All together now

[Doug, Sarge, the Waitron and Trish are gathered in a park across the street from the huge Spacenik building in downtown Toronto, using park foliage as cover.]

Waitron: It's kind of big, isn't it?
Doug: [worried] Uh, yeah.
Sarge: With a lot of guards.
Doug: Yes, I see that!
Sarge: And once we get in, do we have a plan?
Doug: Not a detailed one, no. I'm just makin' this up as I go.

[Short pause. All think quietly about what to do, except Trish, who giggles to herself.]

Waitron: Okay, that's it! If you don't stop your constant giggling, sister, there's gonna be trouble!
Doug: Waitron, calm down.
Trish: [in a bit of a huff] No, that's just fine. If she doesn't like to see other people happy, that's all right with me. Hmph!
Waitron: Hmph!

[Both turn away from each other, arms crossed.]

Doug: [sighs] C'mon, you two, we need to work together on this. Now, I want you two to make out and... UP! UP! I mean I want you to make UP! AAAH!!

[Both turn towards each other again as Doug freaks. They both try to maintain straight faces, but fail and begin to laugh.]

Trish: He's funny. Hhnrryuhn-hnuh.
Waitron: Yes, he is. We could mess with his head so badly.
Trish: Hhnrryuhn-hnuh.
Doug: [breathing deeply, calming himself down] Okay, back to planning. Back to planning. We need to get into the building, find someone in charge and somehow force them to leave the 'Bar alone! Okay? NO making out! Anyone!
Cleo: That's too bad.

[Doug turns around and sees Cleo, Sydney and Seven.]

Doug: Oh, good, you're finally here. Did you get the Nurse?
Nurse: Did somebody say... [dramatic organ chord] ...Nurse?
Doug: GAAAHHH!!

[Doug jumps into Seven's arms and looks at the Nurse warily.]

Doug: Uh, good. Glad you could make it.

[Seven puts Doug down.]

Doug: Thanks.
Seven: Ish Kibibble.
Doug: Really gotta get that fixed. Now, let's get in there and see what kind of havoc we can cause.
Sarge: It looks like there's more than one entrance, so we should split up.
Doug: Right. Here's what we'll do...

[To be continued.]

'Barfight Aftermath: Someone's in the Kitchen With Simon

[Nigella's kitchen. Frank is now tied up in a corner. Grot teases him by eating lots of Nigella's food in front of him.]

Frank: Just a little?
Grot: [grinning] Nope.

[Meanwhile, across the kitchen, the others watch as Joel finishes his repair work on Simon.]

Joel: There we go!
Simon: About bloody time.
Joel: Help me stand him up.

[Theo, Nigella, Casey and Joel struggle to stand Simon upright.]

Simon: That's it. I'm outta here.

[Simon begins to move across the kitchen. Huh?! Hold on a second!]

Simon: [screeching to a halt] The hell?!
Joel: [slightly smug] I added wheels. You can move around now. As long as the terrain's not too rough.
Grot: [running up] Simon! You're alright! [hugs Simon]
Simon: Oh, Jesus! Get him off!

[Simon begins to wheel around the room, Grot holding on tight.]

Simon: Can't I go any faster? I need to shake him off!
Joel: Well, I just used some blender motors, so I'm afraid you can't go too fast.
Simon: [trying to fling Grot off by jerking back and forth] Talk about one step forward, two steps back! Get him OFF!

[To be continued.]

Saving the SpaceBar: Getting inside Spacenik, Team 1

[Doug and toys have split into two teams again in an attempt to double their chances of gaining entry to Spacenik HQ. We join the team of Sydney, Seven, Trish and the Waitron as they survey their entrance from a short, but well hidden, distance.]

Waitron: Hmmm... just one guard. We could probably overpower him?
Sydney: No, he'd be able to call for back-up in a second. We need to approach him inconspicuously.

[A courier truck pulls up to the near-by curb. As the delivery guy gets out with a package, the Waitron and Sydney grin at each other.]

Waitron: Bingo.

[Minutes later, Seven has changed into the uniform of the now-unconscious delivery man. The Waitron reprograms her outfit to match. Now set, the two approach the guard.]

Guard: Can I help you ladies?
Waitron: Package fer ya, Mac.
Seven: [holding out clipboard] Please sign here.

[The guard takes the clipboard and begins to sign. Just as Seven is about to poleaxe the guard, she gets that look in her eyes.]

Waitron: [mumbling to self] Oh, no, not now.

[Back in the bushes.]

Trish: What's wrong with Seven? Hhnrryuhn-hnuh.
Sydney: She's about to blurt out an unwanted pop culture reference. We have got to do something about that!

[Back to the others. Pen in hand, the guard looks on suspiciously.]

Guard: The hell's her problem?
Waitron: Um, nothing, she's fine, really! [whispering] Seven, hold on! Fight it!
Seven: Ooooooooklahoma, where the wind comes running down the plai--

[The Waitron slaps a hand over Seven's mouth.]

Waitron: Heh. It's her favourite film. She just sings stuff from it occasionally. [removes hand]
Seven: There's a plaaaaace for u--

[The Waitron keeps replacing and removing her hand from Seven's mouth in hopes that Seven will eventually return to normal.]

Seven: Video killed the radio st-- [hand on, hand off] Come listen to story 'bout a man named-- [hand again] Now, I'm a believe-- [handy] You don't have to be beautiful, to turn me on--

[The Waitron leaves her hand on Seven's mouth this time.]

Waitron: Well, we'll just be on out way. You just keep the pen. And the clipboard. Byenow.

[The Waitron lead Seven away. Shortly, back in the bushes.]

Sydney: Well, that was a great waste of time! Trish, what are you doing?

[Trish has stood up. She re-adjusts herself so that her cleavage is even more impressive than usual. She grabs Sydney by the hand.]

Trish: C'mon. I know what to do. Hhnrryuhn-hnuh.

[Dragging Sydney behind her, Trish approaches the guard, trusts her chest out enticingly and flashes her most dazzling smile.]

Trish: Excuse me. Hhnrryuhn-hnuh. I seem to be lost. Could you tell me how to get to Queen Street? Hhnrryuhn-hnuh.
Guard: [eyes bugging] Yes, Ma'am! You just go back three blocks...

[Back in the bushes, the Waitron, glaring at Trish from a distance, still has her hand over Seven's mouth.]

Waitron: Hussy.
Seven: [removing the Waitron's hand from her mouth] I believe I have recovered. Thank you for your assistance.
Waitron: [distracted] Hmmm? Yeah, whatever. [keeps glaring]

[Meanwhile, the guard has finished giving Trish directions.]

Trish: Oh, thanks soooo much. You're so helpful. Hhnrryuhn-hnuh. I wish there was some way I could thank you. Hmmmm... let me think. [mock thinks, then her face lights up] Oooh, I know.
Guard: [obviously hoping] Um, what?
Trish: Well, it's a surprise, but we should probably go somewhere... more private.
Guard: [conflicted] Uh, I really shouldn't leave my post.
Trish: [putting her arm around Sydney's waist] What if my friend joined us?
Guard: What?!
Sydney: WHAT?!

[Trish nudges Sydney and gives her a not-so-subtle wink. Sydney catches on.]

Sydney: Ooooooh, yeah! You bet. Both of us.

[Despite the fact that Syd's not all that convincing, the guard allows himself to be led into the bushes, where...]

Waitron: Now!
Guard: What th--

[All the girls jump him (lucky bastard), rendering him unconscious in seconds.]

Trish: Mission accomplished. Hhnrryuhn-hnuh.
Waitron: [grudgingly] Yeah, yeah, alright. Let's just go.

[To be continued.]

Saving the SpaceBar: Entering Spacenik Team 2

[Doug, Cleo, Sarge and the Nurse survey the entrance they're trying to sneak through. Doug frowns.]

Doug: That guard can't be who I think it is.
Sarge: Is that a sock?
Doug: Yeah. Ed the Sock.
Cleo: A sock?
Doug: Uh-huh.
Cleo: A sock?
Sarge: He shouldn't be that hard to take out. Let's go.
Doug: But--

[Sarge is already walking up to the guard post, where there is what appears to be a green-haired sock puppet, smoking a huge cigar, pacing back and forth.]

Cleo: She's so impulsive.

[Doug sighs (he does that a lot doesn't he?) and they all follow Sarge.]

Ed: Hold it right there, folks. [notices the Nurse] Niiiice outfit!

[The Nurse just raises an eyebrow and says nothing.]

Ed: Sociable type, aren't you?
Doug: What are doing working here? Don't you have your own TV show?
Ed: What, you think I can live on the pittance City-TV pays me? My paycheck from them just barely covers my on-line porn memberships.
Cleo: Ew.
Doug: Don't suppose we can get by?
Ed: Don't suppose you've got a pass?
Doug: Uh, no.
Ed: Then, tough cookies, fella. Take a hike!
Sarge: [darkly] You're not very nice. I don't like you. I tend to hurt people I don't like.
Ed: Bring it on, Toots! I'm just a button press from back-up.
New voice: Not if we can help it!

[Suddenly, from out of nowhere, Danger Mouse and Hammy Hamster leap on Ed.]

Ed: Aaagh! What the [beep]?!
Cleo: DM! Hammy!
Hammy: [cleaning self furiously while DM wrestles with Ed] Oh, yes, we finally managed to catch up with you! We got directions from that nice man and his funny talking speaker.
Nurse: The Dick. Simon.
Hammy: Yes, that's them. Oh, my, you're rather frightening, aren't you?
Ed: Fer Chrissake's, get this friggin' rat off me!
Hammy: Oh, I'd better help Danger Mouse with the sock-man.

[Hammy joins DM in wrestling with Ed.]

Ed: Jesus! What the [beep] is this [beep]?

[Unfortunately, in all the thrashing about, Ed still manages to hit his emergency button.]

Ed: Ha! So there!
DM: You'll pay for that!

[Hammy has a bit of Ed unravelled and begins pouching yarn.]

Hammy: Oh, this will make a lovely nest.
Ed: AAAAHHH! The little freak is gonna use my for bedding! Get me the [beep] outta here!

[At this point, a half dozen well-armed men burst. Sarge gets ready to take them on, but the Nurse puts a hand on Sarge's shoulder.]

Nurse: Wait. I'll handle this... [looks Sarge up and down] ...Sarge.

[The Nurse walks slowly towards the guards.]

Guard: Ma'am, I'll have to ask you to stop or I'll shoot.

[She doesn't stop. The guard who spoke looks a little spooked.]

Guard: Ma'am, I said stop or I'll shoot.

[Still going.]

Guard: All right, I warned you.

[The guard lifts his weapon and shoots the Nurse in the shoulder. She jerks back a little, but doesn't seem bothered. While the wound is pretty big, there's not nearly as much blood as you'd expect from it. The Nurse looks down at the wound, then looks back up at the guards. She smiles an evil, evil smile.]

Nurse: Ouch. Please do that again.

[The guard gulps audibly and looks around for support from his fellows. Too bad they've all run away. He looks back at the Nurse, clearly terrified. She walks right up to him.]

Nurse: Don't worry, this won't hurt.

[She punches him. Hard. He goes down.]

Nurse: Not for long anyway. [turning to the others] Are you coming?

[Everyone else stares in shock at what just happened. After a moment, Ed the Sock manages to pull away from Hammy and leaves.]

Ed: Screw this! I'm gettin' the hell outta here.

[After another moment, the others snap out of it.]

Doug: Oookay, I guess we're in.
Sarge: They're probably going to know we're here now.
Doug: Not much option. We have to get in there.

[Doug picks up Hammy and Sarge picks up DM.]

Doug: So, in we go.

[To be continued.]

Saving the SpaceBar: Frank away!!!

[Back in Nigella's kitchen, everyone is distracted by Grot and Simon's antics. The tied-up Frank looks around and sees nobody is paying him any attention. Cue silly/sneaky music. He gets up and starts to hops out of the kitchen and into the main area of Doug and Co.'s abode. Spotting the portal, Frank begins to hop over towards it. He's getting out of breath.]

Frank: Huff! Huff! Huff! I've got to start working out.

[Frank is nearly at the portal when he notices Annie's rottweiler, Cody, guarding the portal. However, she's facing the other way, to prevent anyone entering from the 'Bar.]

Frank: [whispering] Poopie.
Hel: [off-screen, from the kitchen] Hey! Where the hell's Frank?
Frank: Double poopie!

[Frank makes a run for the portal as girl-toys rush out of the kitchen. He bolts past Cody...]

Frank: Ye-ouch!!!

[...and through the 'Bar, heading for the docking port, Toys in hot pursuit.]

Theo: Hold it right there, Frank!

[Frank, without looking back, runs through the airlock, into his waiting ship. The door slam shut behind him. Hel runs up and pounds her fists on the door.]

Hel: Dammit!

[From the other side, sounds can be heard of someone crashing into things until the rumble of engines starts up.]

Theo: He's getting away, isn't he?

[Engine sounds stop as the ship detaches from the station and moves away.]

Hel: He's already away.
Nigella: Well, at least he didn't get away intact.
Hel: What do you mean?
Nigella: Look.

[Nigella indicates Cody, her mouth full of the seat of Frank's pants, as well as a scrap of his bunny-covered underwear.]

Nigella: [scratching Cody behind the ears] Oh, she's a good girl, isn't she? Yes, she's a good girl...

[To be continued.]

Saving the SpaceBar: Captured!

[Doug, Cleo, Sarge, the Nurse and rodents sneak through the corridors of Spacenik HQ.]

Sarge: It's too quiet.
Doug: Too too quiet.

[Suddenly, a dozen Spacenik troopers leap out and surround Doug and toys.]

Trooper leader: Freeze!
Doug: [putting his hands up] Sigh Looks like the jig is up.
New voice: Tag! You're it!

[This new voice comes out of thin air. A screen descends from the ceiling and lights up. On the screen appears Dr. Clayton Forrester. He wears a chest-revealing outfit (and really shouldn't). Also visible in the shot are the Waitron and Sydney. The others have already been apprehended. Doug stares at the screen in shock.]

Doug: Clay!
Dr. F: [doing his best Ricardo Montalban] Ah, you still remember, Douglas. I cannot help but be touched. I, of course, remember you.
Doug: [doing his best Shatner] Clay... what is the meaning of this attack? Where is the crew of the Reliant?
Dr. F: I believe I have made my meaning plain. I mean to avenge myself upon you, Douglas. I have deprived your ship of power and when I swing around I mean to deprive you of your life. But, first, I wanted you to know who it was who had beaten you.
Doug: Clay... If it's me you want, I'll have myself beamed aboard. Spare my crew!
Waitron: [puts fingers to her mouth and whistles] Okay! That's enough!

[Doug and Dr. F look embarrassed. Clayton also, mercifully, covers up his chest again.]

Waitron: I get enough of that from Grot. Jeez!
Dr. F: Bring them to me. Toot sweet.

[The screen goes black and the troopers lead the group away...]

[To be continued.]

Saving the SpaceBar: We're nearly there!

[Doug's team is herded into a large office. Waiting for them, under guard, is Sydney, Trish and the Waitron. The Waitron runs up and gives Doug a hug.]

Waitron: Dougie sweetie! Are you okay? [whispers into Doug's ear] Seven managed to not get caught. I don't think they even know she's in the building.
Doug: [also whispering] Good. We've got an ace up our sleeve. Thanks.
Doctor Forrester: [entering room] Well, isn't that sweet? Get a room, you two!
Doug: [breaking hug with Waitron] Alright, Dr. Forrester, you've got us. Do you really need to gloat about it?
Dr. F: [pondering] Hmmmm, let me see... Yes!

[The Waitron, Trish and the Nurse all roll their eyes in exactly the same way.]

Cleo: That's sort of weird.
Doug: I think they're cute when they do that.
Dr. F: Hello! Criminal master-mind gloating over here!

[Again with the eye rolling, this time with Doug and Cleo joining in.]

Dr. F: Don't you roll your eyes at me, young man!

[The Waitron gets a funny look at this statement, like something has occurred to her. As Dr. F continues to rant at Doug, she whispers in Cleo's ear. Cleo nods and they both move into the middle of the group, where they cannot be seen well.]

Dr. F: I've done it this time. I've won! I'm the god! Now I'll easily take over the 'Bar again and then Joxopolis!
Doug: Why?
Dr. F: I-- why what?
Doug: Why do want to take over Joxopolis?
Dr. F: Well... because...
Sydney: Oh, good reason.
Dr. F: Hey! What do want from me? I'm evil. This is just the kind of thing I do.
New voice: CLAAAATOOOON!

[Dr. F looks up and is stunned to see, standing among our heroes, his mother, Pearl Forrester!]

Dr. F: Mother?
Pearl: [when she speaks, her lips don't quite match was is being said] Clayton Deborah Susan Forrester! What do you think you're doing?! Let these nice people go right NOW!
Dr. F: But... but, Mother!
Pearl: Clayton, don't make me come over there!
Dr. F: [morosely] Yes, Mother...

[Dr. F begins to gesture at the guards to release our heroes when Pearl suddenly begins to... well, flicker.]

Pearl: [suddenly sounding different, but awfully familiar] Uh-oh, I don't think this is going to---

["Pearl" disappears, replaced by the much lovelier form of the Waitron, holding her remote.]

Waitron: ---hold. [looks down at self, then back up] I guess my holo-matrix couldn't maintain that different a shape.

[Cleo steps out from behind the Waitron.]

Cleo: [still mimicking Pearl] Well, it was worth a shot.
Waitron: [smiling sheepishly at Dr. F] Heh. Um. [gives remote to Doug] You were saying...?
Dr. F: [glaring] You've made me lose my train of thought now, haven't you?
Trish: You were gloating. Hhnrryuhn-hnuh.
Dr. F: No, no, my heart just wouldn't be in it now. [to guards] Just kill them.

[The gang make themselves ready for combat, but, before anything gets started, Seven walks in, holding a PADD.]

Seven: [to the guards] I believe you'll find that you no longer take orders from Doctor Forrester.
Guard: Huh?
Seven: My, what a grasp of the English language. Consult with your superiors.

[One guard takes out a walkie-talkie and begins checking things with his boss.]

Dr. F: [about ready to pop something] What's goin' on here?
Doug: I'd sure like to know.
Guard: [now done] What's happening is, he [pointing at Doug] gives us orders now, not you.
Dr. F: What?!
Doug: What?!
All Toys (except Seven): What?!

[Seven hands Doug her PADD. As Doug reads it, he begins to grin.]

Doug: Well, Doctor Forrester, it seems that, thanks to a little computer work from Seven of Nine, you're looking at the new majority shareholder of the Spacenik Corporation. Annika, I could kiss you.
Seven: That would be acceptable. At the appropriate moment, however.
Doug: Right, we've got business to attend to. Clayton, you're finished.
Dr. F: Oh, Mister Cool! Mister White-Hat! Mister I've-Won-And-You've-Lost! Well, I still have my final master stroke!
Trish: Oooo! "Stroke!"
Waitron: Trish!
Trish: Sorry. Hhnrryuhn-hnuh.
Dr. F: Just try and stop me! HAHAHAHAHA-- hhh! Hhh! Hold on, hairball. Hhh! Bye!

[Dr. F makes a break for it, dashing out a side door. Doug lunges for the door, but it's locked.]

Doug: Shoot!
Seven: I believe I know where Dr. Forrester is heading.

[She sits down at the terminal on Dr. F's desk and calls up a display.]

Seven: I discovered this file while manipulating the company's stock.
Doug: [reading screen] Oh, damn.
Cleo: What? What?!
Doug: Doctor F is planning on using the 'Bar to brainwash the world into serving him!
Seven: His plan is to send a signal through the SpaceBar's transmission system; the signal will blanket this Earth, turning everyone into mindless drones.
Cleo: That's bad!
Doug: [still reading] It gets better. The signal was originally going to be fed through the broadcast of "Survivors in Space," gradually changing the population. But it he forces the signal through all at once, it will cause a feedback loop which will make the 'Bar explode. Oh, God, and with the portal open...
Seven: ...it is conceivable that the explosion will destroy Joxopolis as well.
Cleo: This is increasingly not good.
Doug: The good news is it looks like he has to get within a couple of klicks of the station to send the whole signal. He'll have to go up in a ship.
Sydney: So if we can get our own ship and beat him there... then what? Blow him out of the sky?

[Doug thinks furiously. He calls out to one of the guards, now milling around the office, unsure what to do.]

Doug: Hey, you!
Guard: Um, me?
Doug: Yeah, is there a spaceship hangar in this place?
Guard: [some tiny bit of loyalty to Dr. F remaining] Um, I don't know if I should be telling you that.
Doug: [holding up Seven's PADD] I sign your cheques now, buddy.
Guard: In that case, 57th floor.
Doug: Right, we're off.

[After a hurried trip to the 57th floor...]

Waitron: Is there a ship big enough for us all?
Sarge: Over there!

[A massive vessel looms in one corner of the hangar.]

Doug: Wow. That'll do.

[Everybody enters the ship. Sarge takes the pilot's seat.]

Sarge: [grinning] I get to drive.
Cleo: We're dead.
Doug: Everyone strap in.

[As all take seats and buckle up, Doug turns to Seven.]

Doug: Annika, if we get you to Astrometrics, can you create a portal to pull the 'Bar through to Joxopolis' dimension and cut it off from Dr. Forrester's signal?
Seven: It would be a difficult manoeuvre, but I believe it could be done.
Sarge: Everyone grab hold of something, we're leavin'!

[Everybody squishes back in their seats as Sarge engages full engines.]

Sarge: [through gritted teeth] At... this kind of... speed...

[The ship reaches a stead speed, ending acceleration and letting everyone breathe again.]

Sarge: ...we shouldn't have a problem passing Dr. Fussbudget. [points to a monitor] There he is; we're closing fast.
Doug: [leaning over Sarge to look at control panel] Has this thing got communications?
Sarge: Yup.
Doug: We need to clear the 'Bar. Can we get in touch with them?
Sarge: [punching buttons] Yeah, I think I know how...

-----------------------

[In the 'Bar, Hel and Theo sit around wondering what to do next.]

Theo: If only we knew what was going on down there.
Hel: Yea--
Doug's voice (sounding a little tinny): Hel, can you hear me?
Hel: Whoa!
Theo: What? What's wrong?
Hel: Did you not hear that?
Doug: Hel, it's Doug! We're patching into your Voice transceiver. We're on our way back to the station!
Hel: [to Theo] It's Doug! They're on their way back! [to Doug] Are you all okay?
Doug: We're fine, but there's a little crisis we need to deal with.
Hel: There's a surprise.
Doug: Get everybody off the station! Things are gonna get a little rough! And we'll need access to Astrometrics the second we get there!
Hel: Check! Theo, back home, right away!
Theo: What's going on?
Hel: I'm not sure, but we've gotta clear the station! [back to Doug] By the way, Frank escaped.
Doug: That's too bad, but it's not a big concern right now. Just clear the 'Bar!
Hel [exiting the 'Bar with Theo]: Right, see you soon!

[To be continued. Boy, isn't this getting exciting? :-)]

Saving the SpaceBar: The Final Episode

[Out in space, Frank's ship rushes away from the SpaceBar station, still under auto-pilot. Inside, Frank is just managing to untie himself.]

Frank: [as the last rope comes off] Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about! I wonder how the Big Kahuna is doing?
Dr. F: [voice coming over communication system] Frank? Frank!
Frank: [wandering over to board] Steve? Izzat you?
Dr. F: We're onto plan B, Frank! Dock your ship with mine so I can get on with it!
Frank: [getting into pilot's seat] Plan B? You mean the one where we sing show tunes in Hungarian until people pay us to stop?
Dr. F: No, Frank, that's not the one where... Wait a sec, you're right. I meant plan C.
Frank: Oh, plan C. That makes more sense under the circumstances. We should be hooking up any second, Chief.

[There is a loud click followed by a hissing as the two ships dock. A door swooshes open.]

Dr. F: [through the door] Get a move on, Frank!

[Frank rushes through the door, which swooshes shut again. The ships disconnect from each other and Dr. F resumes course towards the 'Bar, leaving the other vessel floating in space. The good guy ship, Sarge still at the helm, narrowly avoids ramming into it.]

Sarge: Hey! Some people just leave their crap lying in the road...
Cleo: [still distressed by Sarge's driving] We are all going to die.
Sarge: Don't be such a baby; we're nearly there. Uh-oh.
Waitron: "Uh-oh"? What "uh-oh"?
Sarge: Looks like Forrester's speeding up. This is gonna be closer that we thought.
Doug: Oh, joy.

[Over the next few tense minutes, our heroes' ship inches it's way past Forrester and Frank's.]

Sarge: Nearly there! We're about to dock!

[The welcome hiss of an air-lock is heard.]

Doug: That's it! Everyone out! Seven, you go straight to Astrometrics!

[Everyone rushes out, runs through the 'Bar's and its portal and back into Doug's hut.]

Doug: [rushing past all those who stayed behind] Can't talk! Gotta save the 'Bar! And an entire alternate Earth!

[Doug, Seven and everyone else piles into Astrometrics. Man, it's crowded.]

Seven: [frantically manipulating a board] The portal to the 'Bar is now closed. Joxopolis is no longer in immediate danger.
Waitron: But what about the 'Bar?
Seven: [still working] Opening portal in orbit around the Moon.

[Outside in the village, several amazons and their toys look up in surprise as a flash appears in the night sky. After the flash fades, a small light can still be seen near the Moon.]

[Meanwhile, on Clayton and Frank's ship...]

Frank: We're in range Chief-a-reeno.
Dr. F: Doug and his little friends may have escaped me, but this world will still be mine.

[Dr. F walks purposefully across the ship's bridge, finger pointed towards a button that says "Mind Control Pulse." He is almost close enough to push it when...]

Dr. F: Wulp!

[Whump! Dr. F hits the floor hard, his finger still pointing straight up. The small object he has just tripped on flies through the air, landing in Frank's hands.]

Frank: Hey! There's my Bumblebee figure.
Dr. F: [slowly getting up] FRAAANK!

[Out in space, a huge inter-dimensional portal appears beside the SpaceBar space station. The station begins to slowly move into the portal.]

Dr. F: The hell...? [glances up at a monitor] Oh, that ain't good.

[The inhabitants of Joxopolis look up in amazement as the SpaceBar is slowly pulled through the portal and settles into orbit around their world's Moon.]

[On the other side...]

Dr. F: Frank, stop this thing!
Frank: I can't, we're being sucked in, too!

[Their ship is pulled into the massive portal after the 'Bar. They are surrounded by a maelstrom of colour and light.]

[Back in Astrometrics...]

Seven: Closing portal.

[And back one last time... The other end of the inter-dimensional conduit is just visible.]

Frank: According to sensors, that Joxopolis' reality out there.

[The portal closes, leaving the villains stranded between dimensions. Furious, Dr. F turns to Frank and glares at the Transformer action figure in his hand.]

Frank: Oh, and I suppose you're going to hold this against me.
Dr. F: Frank... I am going to kill you so much.

[Back to Astrometrics again...]

Seven: The portal has closed. The station is now in orbit around our Moon. I will now open the original portal to give us access to the 'Bar.
Grot: [stunned] You... you mean, that's it? The 'Bar... out of danger?
Simon: Don't you dare start more "Wrath of Khan" crap!
Seven: To answer Grot's question, yes.
The SpaceBar is safe.
Grot: [turning to Waitron, still stunned] They... they did it...
Waitron: [waits a bit, then jumps up in the air] Yes!!!

[Cheering and hugs ensue. The Waitron gives Doug a big kiss on the cheek; he blushes.]

Waitron: Thank you so much, Dougie.
Doug: [just mumbles, embarrassed]
Nurse: [indicating Trish] And what about us?
Doug: Ahem. Well, I was thinking it'd be cool if you two could stay here with the rest of us. Along with Drive-In Dick and Simon.
Simon: Ahem.
Doug: Simon the Speaker. That better?
Simon: It'll do.
Trish: Hhnrryuhn-hnuh. Ooo, yeah, I think I could have a ball hanging around with this bunch. Hhnrryuhn-hnuh.
Nurse: Sure, I'll stick around. If anyone needs any medical attention... [evil smile] ...I'll be here.
Theo: Think I'll stick to the Holo-Doc, thanks very much.
Doug: I'll have to send in an official request for all four as Toys. And then arrange for quarters for everyone...

[Doug walks off distracted, while the revelling continues. The En---]

Cleo: Hold on! Just hold on! That's not quite all folks!

[To be continued?]

Saving the SpaceBar: Epilogue

[The village square. Doug looks straight into camera.]

Doug: And now, in a blatant rip-off of the special video ending of "Shrek," we present the SpaceBar Karaoke Dance Party! Now, I couldn't work in every character who was involved in the whole story, because, well, it's hard. Besides my Toys, I concentrated on folks directly involved in the 'Barfight.

[Cleo walks into shot.]

Cleo: Mr. Disclaimer strikes again.
Doug: Quiet you. And get into place, you're singing first.

[Cleo sticks her tongue out at Doug and walks off.]

Doug: Um, let's see, was there anything else? Oh, yeah, don't worry, we're not going to let Angel sing too much.
Angel: [off-screen] Hey!

[Waitron pops her head into shot.]

Waitron: Hit it girls!

[Cut to Cleo, Trish and Theo all standing, backlit by a spotlight, snapping fingers in beat to the song.]

[Song: Lady Marmalade (Moulin Rouge version)]

Cleo/Trish/Theo:
Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, flow sister
Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, go sister [all begin dancing, now fully lit]
Cleo:
He met Marmalade down in old Moulin Rouge
Trish:
Struttin' her stuff on the street
Hhnrryuhn-hnuh.
Theo:
She said, "Hello, hey Joe, you wanna give it a go?"
Ooooh! Uh huh

[Suddenly, Annie B, Nacey, Yves and Sydney leap out in front of the others and begin posing in martial arts poses.]

[Song: Kung-Fu Fighting]

Annie:
Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Nacey:
Those cats were fast as lightning
Yves:
In fact it was a little bit frightening
Sydney:
For they fought with expert timing

[Cut to Trish in her very red boudoir, lounging on her black-and-white leopard-print bed, cuddling a pillow. She manages to make her song sound more suggestive than it usually is.]

[Song: Wannabe]

Trish:
Yo, I'll tell you what I want what I really really want
Hhnrryuhn-hnuh.

[Cleo jumps into view and starts bouncing around to the music]

Cleo:
So tell us what you want what you really really want
Trish:
I'll tell you what I want what I really really want
Cleo:
So tell us what you want what you really really want
Trish:
I wanna (Cleo: Ha!) I wanna (Cleo: Ha!) I wanna (Cleo: Ha!) I wanna (Cleo: Ha!)
I wanna really really really wanna zigga zigga ah!
Hhnrryuhn-hnuh.

[Music slows a little. Cut to Grot behind the 'Bar singing with Trek characters - Data, Tasha and Seven. They have arms around each other, swaying in time to the music. Simon, off to the side, is deactivated and wearing a sign that reads "I'm not doin' this."]

[Song: Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft]

Grot/Data/Tasha/Seven:
Calling occupants of interplanetary craft
Calling occupants of interplanetary, most extraordinary--

[Music goes back up to speed, as Seven suddenly breaks into a non sequitur moment, while the others look on worriedly.]

[Song: Video Killed the Radio Star]

Seven:
Video killed the radio star!
Video killed the radio star!
Video killed the radio star!

[Cut to the Nurse. She sits at a large pipe organ playing the opening of Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor, before we break into--]

[Song: Monster Mash]

Spike/Angel: [in background]
They did the Mash!
Nurse:
They did the Monster Mash
Spike/Angel: The Monster Mash!
Nurse: It was a graveyard smash
Spike/Angel:
They did the Mash!
Nurse: It caught on in a flash
Spike/Angel: The Monster Mash!
Nurse: It's called the Monster Mash

[Cut to Waitron back at the 'Bar.]

[Song: Ray of Light]

Waitron:
Quicker than a ray of light!
Quicker than a ray of light!
Quicker than a ray of li-i-i-i-ight!

[Cut to Drive-In Dick and Simon the Speaker at Dick's theatre. As they sing, a cheezy B-movie plays on the giant screen behind them.]

[Song: Science Fiction/Double Feature]

Dick:
Science fiction (Simon: Ooh ooh ooh) double feature
Doctor X (Simon: Ooh ooh ooh) will build a creature
See androids fighting (Simon: Ooh ooh ooh) Brad and Janet
Anne Francis stars in (Simon: Ooh ooh ooh) Forbidden Planet
Dick/Simon:
Wo oh oh oh oh oh
At the late night, double feature, picture show

[Cut to Hel, Sarge and Cleo]

[Song: In the Year 2525 (original Zager & Evans lyrics; Cleo 2525 music arrangement)]

Hel/Sarge/Cleo:
In the year 2525
If man is still alive
If woman can survive
They may find--

[Spike jumps into shot, doing his best Sid Vicious.]

[Song: My Way (Sid Vicious version)]

Spike:
I did it myyyyyyyyyyyy waaaaaaaay!

[Cut to the rodents dancing in synch in their Habitrail homes.]

[Song: The Hamster Dance]

Hammy/Martha/Penfold/Danger Mouse:
Deedle-dee-dah-di-di-dough-dough
Dee-dah-diddle-dough
Deedle-deedle-deedle-dew-di-dough
Dah-diddle-dee-dah-diddle-diddle-dough

[Cut to Doctor Forrester and TV's Frank in their out of control spaceship trapped between dimensions. Dr. F is throttling Frank in time with the beat.]

[Song: I Will Survive]

Dr. F:
I will survive!
Frank [strangled (duh)]:
He will survive!
Dr. F:
I will survive!
Frank:
He will survive!
Dr. F:
As long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive!

[Music slows again. Cut to Draco, Ares and Ibn in the village square. As they sing their song, they pose and flex in a manly way.]

[Song: We Are the Champions]

Draco/Ares/Ibn:
We are the champions, we are the champions
No time for losers 'cause we are the champions

[Joel enters shot, singing dramatically.]

[Song: Clown in the Sky]

Joel:
Tell me where is that clown in the sky, for... me?

[Music back up to speed. Cut to Nigella in her kitchen, pulsing her electric mixer in time with the beat. Lying in the counter is an empty can of coconut milk and several juiced limes.]

[Song: Coconut]

Nigella:
You put the lime in the coconut
You drink it all up
You put the lime in the coconut
You drink it all up

[Cut to Doug. He is uncharacteristically boisterous (but, hey, he's made it successfully through one helluva day), singing loudly into a mike.]

[Song: Joy to the World]

Doug:
Jeremiah was a bullfrog!
Was a good friend of mine!
I never understood a single word he said...

[The Waitron jumps in, joining Doug at the mike.]

Waitron:
But I helped him drink his wine
Doug [spoken]: Hello, glittery one.
Waitron [spoken]: Hello, sweetie.
Doug/Waitron:
Singin'
Joy to the world
All the boys and girls
Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me
Doug: Everybody!

[During the last chorus, we slowly pan out square in a crane shot to see the village square, with everyone involved in this lunacy swaying back and forth to the music and singing in unison.]

Everyone:
Joy to the world
All the boys and girls
Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me!
HEY!

[Cut abruptly to black. Begin catchy Randy Newman-penned closing theme. Roll credits on left side of screen while bloopers show on the right.]

THE END

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