Too Much Information:
The Annotated MST3K

706: Laserblast

[Cover to the old Atari 'Laser Blast' game.]

Oops... wrong Laser Blast...

The 1970s: a terrible time in human history. This film is living proof. 'Nuff said.

Now, in defence of Maltin: You know what? Reviewing and rating films can be hard. Every once in a while, you're gonna be a little off. Maltin clearly loves movies. You only have to see introductory material he records for some video collections or read one of his film history books to realize that. I kinda like the guy. And he obviously has a sense of humour about himself. He appeared in episode #909 (Gorgo), didn't he?

As for this being the final Comedy Central episode, what a way to go. Great sketches! Two whole segments based on "Star Trek"! Mike as Captain Janeway is classic... if a little disturbing. And, if we had to lose Doctor Forrester, at least encountering his own personal "monolith" was a great way for the character to conclude.

IMDb Entry for Laserblast

Prologue - "Can we just get beyond Thunderdome?"

  • The lame Beyond Thunderdome joke - Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985) was the third movie in the post-apocalyptic Mad Max series, feature Mel Gibson as "Mad" Max Rockatansky. In this installment, Max visits Bartertown, a settlement where disputes are decided by battles to the death in an area called "Thunderdome." The only rule for fighting in Thunderdome is "Two men enter. One man leaves."
  • "Now, let's move onto the Rangoon version of this classic joke." - The joke gets lamer by using the title of the 1995 film Beyond Rangoon, which told the true story of Laura Bowman (Patricia Arquette), a woman vacationing in Burma who, after losing her passport, ends up falling in with a group of students fighting for democracy.
  • Just for the heck of it, here's a short list of other movies whose titles would work just as well for the 'Bots gag: Beyond London Lights (1928), Beyond Bengal (1934), Beyond Mombasa (1956), Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970) and Beyond the Wall of Sleep (2001).

Host Segment 1 - Dr. F cuts the SOL loose

  • Note that among Dr. Forrester's belongings is an issue of the Weird Fantasy comic book. This book, which featured, well, weird fantasy stories, was published by EC Comics between May 1950 and Dec. 1953. At this point, it merged with a sister magazine, Weird Science to become the imaginatively named Weird Science-Fantasy.
  • "...Leonard Maltin gives it two and a half stars." - As well as being a movie historian Leonard Maltin (1950- ) is also one of the most recognized movie critics on television. A regular on "Entertainment Tonight" (1981- ) since a year into its run, Maltin has written many books and featuring in many documentaries about the movies. One of his biggest claims to fame is his yearly Leonard Maltin's Movie & Video Guide, published since 1969, in which films are rated on a scale from "BOMB" through 4 stars. (Natually, Maltin does not write every review in the book himself. With more than 19,000 entries, that wouldn't be possible. He does edit the book and, of course, write a chunk of the reviews.) The Guide does give Laserblast 2 1/2 stars. Here's the whole review (note that I am using the 2004 copy of the Guide as a reference): "Low-budget sci-fi with teenage [Kim] Milford finding alien ray gun whihc enables him to become a creature who can destroy his enemies. David Allen's stop-motion effects are a highlight." This will all come up again later.
  • As the SOL crew (sorta) gains control of the ship, they do impressions of characters from a couple of "Star Trek" series. Tom is speaking like Lt. Commander Montgomery "Scotty" Scott, played by James Doohan on the original "Trek" (1966-9). He was the Chief Engineer of the U.S.S. Enterprise and spoke in a thick Scottish brogue. "I've got to have more time!" was a favourite complaint of his. Crow is impersonating Lt. Hikaru Sulu (George Takei), also from the original series. Sulu was the Enterprise's helmsman. Mike is tugging on his jumpsuit in the same way as Capt. Jean-Luc Picard, captain of a later Enterprise on "Star Trek: The Next Generation" (1987-94). (This tugging became nicknamed "the Picard Maneuver" by fans after an actual battle tactic mentioned on the show.) Mike further points dramatically and says "Engage" which was Picard's preferred no-nonsense way of telling the helm to proceed.

Movie Act 1

  • "Ah, the Charlie Daniels Band is now The Charles Band." "If you ever go down to the Wooley Swamp..." - The Charlie Daniels Band, formed in 1971, is named for its lead singer, fiddler Charlie Daniels. A sort of "good ole boy" country band (complete with prerequisite "redneck" traits from the looks of the "Soapbox" section of their web site), they are probably best known for their 1979 hit "The Devil Went Down to Georgia," which spotlights Daniels' fiddle-playing prowess. Mike recites a stuffy version of "The Legend of Wooley Swamp" from the band's 1980 album Full Moon (the proper lyric is "If you ever go back into Wooly Swamp son, you better not go at night").
  • "The Keenan Wynn comes blowin' in." - "The summer wind came blowin' in" is the opening line from the song "Summer Wind" (1965), written by Johnny Mercer and Henry Mayer and first popularized by crooner Frank Sinatra.
  • "You are the Wynn beneath my Keenan." - Written by Larry Henley and Jeff Silbar, the inspirational love song "You Are the Wind Beneath My Wings" has been performed by countless artists but the height of its popularity came when it was performed by Bette Midler on the soundtrack of her 1988 movie Beaches.
  • "Ah, so you know it won't be funny." "Heir to the Arnold Stang fortune."
    • The reason that Laserblast will not be funny is because it features the ultra-annoying and rarely funny Eddie Deezen (1958- ). Deezen is always cast as the over-the-top "comic relief" nerdy guy, with this film being his first. Later appearance include Grease (1978) (and its 1982 sequel Grease 2), 1941 (1979), WarGames (1983), Critters 2: The Main Course (1988), Assault of the Killer Bimbos (1988) and Spy Hard (1998). Deezen is funny, though, when doing voice work for animation, including the role of Oswald on "Johnny Bravo" (1997- ) and Dexter's rival Mandark on "Dexter's Laboratory" (1996- ).
    • I have only ever seen comic actor Arnold Stang (1925- ) in the 1970 "classic" Hercules in New York. Judging by this performance, Stang is, like Deezen, extrememly non-funny. Other movies Stang has been in are It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World (1963) and Ghost Dad (1990). In a bit of co-incidence, Stang, like Deezen, has also done animation voice work. He was the voice of Herman Mouse in the Herman and Katnip series of Harveytoon cartoon in the 1940s and '50s. Stang was also the voice of "Top Cat" (1961-2) and played various roles on "Courage the Cowardly Dog" (1999-2001).
  • "I saw a Wolman drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's." - "I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's" is a line in the Warren Zevon song "Werewolves of London" from his 1978 album Excitable Boy.
  • "Wow! Roddy McDowall and Dave Allen!"
    • Roddy McDowall (1928-98; born Roderick Andrew Anthony Jude McDowall) was one of film's most accomplished and hardest working actors. After making his motion picture debut in 1938's Murder in the Family at age 10, McDowall went on to appear in more than 150 films. His roles are too numerous and varied to even attempt a listing here, but he is probably most famous for playing a number of intelligent talking chimpanzees in the Planet of the Apes series of films. Many jokes based on McDowall's career are coming up, so we'll deal with them then.
    • Despite Crow's sarcasm at Dave Allen's credit, Allen (1944-99) (here responsible for the stop-action aliens) had a long career in film special effects, some at-least-okay films (e.g. The Howling (1981), Ghostbusters II (1989) and Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (1989)), some not so good films (e.g. Caveman (1981), Puppet Master 4 (1993) and Robot Wars (1993)).
  • "Is he an American Band? I hope he comes to our town and helps us party it down." - Refers to Grand Funk Railroad's 1972 hit "We're an American Band" (from the album of the same name). The chorus runs:
    We're an American Band
    We're an American Band
    We're comin' to your town
    We'll help you party it down
    We're an American Band
    My favourite cover of this song is "We're an Accordion Band" (1994) by Those Darn Accordions.
  • "The music has a decidedly Hawkwind feel to it." - A English psychedelic metal band formed in 1969, Hawkwind has never been hugely successful but has a very devoted fanbase (despite its confusing history of numerous album re-issues by numerous labels and a revolving door line-up) which has carried the band into the 21st century. Their music often had a science-fiction feel with albums with names like In Search of Space (1971), Warrior on the Edge of Time (1975) and The Chronicle of the Black Sword (1985). I'm not sure how similar the music in Laserblast is to Hawkwind. The few shorts clips I've heard remind me of Spinal Tap.
  • "I think it's more like a sort of a Mike Oldfield-McKendree Spring-Rick Wakeman-Jean-Michel Jarre-Keith Emerson-Gentle Giant-Tomita-Autobahn-Kraftwerk synergy sort of thing." - Sigh. Damn you, Nelson... This long list of musical acts are all of either the new age, progressive rock or new age variety. Here we go...
    • English composer Mike Oldfield's (1953- ) biggest claim to fame is his 1973 album Tubular Bells. This album consist of just 2 songs, each more than 20 minutes long and featuring a bizarre, but oddly successful mix of instruments (including bagpipes, the flageolet, Spanish guitar and, of course, tubular bells), most played by Oldfield himself. Building on the success of Bells (helped by use of its music in The Exorcist (1973)), Oldfield continues to release albums to this day.
    • McKendree Spring, named after one of its members, Fran McKendree released eight albums between 1969 and 1976 before fading from the music scene. Apparently quite popular at the time, the band toured the United States and Europe with everyone from Elton John to Frank Zappa. 20 years after their last album, a greatest hits album, God Bless the Conspiracy was released in 1996.
    • Musician Rick Wakeman (1949- ) appeared on albums by such acts as Black Sabbath and David Bowie before joining Yes in 1971; he became key in shaping the band's progressive-rock style. His own solo albums often have a science-fiction or fantasy theme to them, such as 1974's Journey to the Centre of the Earth (based on Jules Verne's 1864 novel) and (deep breath, now) Myths and Legends of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table (1975).
    • Jean-Michel Jarre (1948- ) was a pioneer in the field of electronic music, beginning with his 1977 breakthrough album Oxygène and helped to make the synthesizer popular. He is for dazzling concert spectaculars at locations like the Great Pyramids of Giza with audiences in excess of 100,000 spectators.
    • Keith Emerson (1944- ) is considered one of rock music's most talented and technically accomplished keyboardists. Best known as part of the musical trio of Emerson, Lake & Palmer, Emerson has had some solo success and composed a number of movie scores, including Dario Argento's Inferno (1980).
    • A group that never quite rose above their cult status, Gentle Giant released a dozen album between their 1969 formation and their disbanding in 1970. Similar in style to Yes, they still have a dedicated following, which has led to a number of later releases of their old material.
    • Japanese composer Isao Tomita (1932- ) was inspired to learn to play the synthsiser after hearing Wendy Carlos' 1968 album Switched-On Bach. As well as his own compositions, Tomita intrepreted the work of his favourite classical composers on albums like Mussorgsky: Pictures at an Exhibition (1975) and The Tomita Planets (1976; adapting Holst's The Planets).
    • The German electronica band Kraftwerk was formed in 1970 and released their first album, Kraftwerk 1, the following year. Dance club music before there were dance clubs, their synthesiser and drum machine compositions were very experimental for the 1970s. Autobahn, also mentioned by Mike, was their 1974 album, featuring a 22-minute title track.
  • "Fievel goes west." - An American Tale: Fievel Goes West (1991) was the second motion picture to feature the animated adventures of the young immigrant mouse Fievel Mousekewitz (voiced by Phillip Glasser). The Mousekewitzes move out to the Old West (made up of desert and cactus, like the shot seen here) to escape the cats that oppress them, only to encounter yet more feline trouble.
  • "Looks like Trent Reznor ran out of gas." - Musician Trent Reznor (1965- ) is the only true, permanent member of industrial metal band Nine Inch Nails, which Reznor himself formed in 1989. He also co-founded Nothing Records in 1992. Like many performers of his generation, Reznor is a dark, broody figure and the figure slouching his way across the screen is reminiscent of him.
  • "It was after the Acropolis..." - Crow is doing an impression of the narrator for the 1987 straight-to-video post-apocalyptic Robot Holocaust, seen as MST episode 110. The ponderous voice over from the narrator tells us that "It was after the apocalypse" and describes the "Robot Rebellion of '33" and points out that "the world had been brought to its knees by the... Robot Holocaust!" This leave the Earth as a desert-like wasteland, like here. Crow is, of course, just being silly by substituting "apocalypse" with "Acropolis," famous ruins of ancient Greece.
  • "Roxie!" - The figure coming over the top of the hill looks just like several scenes from the 1962 film Eegah (seen in episode 506), where Tom Nelson (Arch Hall Jr.), the, ahem, "hero" of the movie searches in vain for his girlfriend Roxie (Marilyn Manning) and whining out her name incessantly.
  • "Ah, Robert Smith is an a good mood today." - More dark, broody musician humour. Robert Smith (1959- ) is best known as a member of British goth rock band The Cure, leading them through its various incarnations, contributing vocals and guitar to their usually slow, gloomy dirge-like music. Kind of ghoulish in appearance, Smith also worked for many years with Siouxie & the Banshees.
  • "Edward CDplayerhand." - Considered by many to be director Tim Burton's masterpiece, Edward Scissorhands (1990) is a surrealistic fairy tale about Edward Scissorhands (Johnny Depp), an artificial man build by a kindly old inventor (Vincent Price). Unfortunately, the inventor dies before Edward is finished, leaving the confused young man with scissors instead of real hands.
  • "Boy, the Hulk has lost weight." - In 1962, comic legends Stan Lee and Jack Kirby created the Hulk, a raging, angry creature who was in reality timid scientist Bruce Banner, who, after being exposed to massive amounts of gamma radiation, developed in a Jekyll-and-Hyde character who transformed into a huge, green, well, hulk of a man and rampage mindlessly. The funny looking features of our hapless Reznor/Smith lookalike looks like a lightweight version of the make-up used for the television series version of the Hulk ("The Incredible Hulk" (1978-82)), where the best was played by Lou Ferrigno (with Bill Bixby as Dr. Banner).
  • "Norelco's plan for world domination!" "Even its name spells Merry Christmas." - Norelco, a division of Phillips Electronics, has produced men's razors since 1939 and is particularly known for their electric razors. The spaceship coming over the mountain sort of looks like the razor in the animated "flying electric razor" ads around Christmas. Santa comes flying into town on a huge Norelco razor instead his more traditional sleigh. Yeah, right, like Santa'd do that. The ads featured the tag-line "Even its name spells Merry Christmas."
  • "I'm hunting spacecwaft. Huhuhuhuhuh!" - Warner Brothers cartoon character Elmer Fudd (most commonly voiced by Mel Blanc) spoke with a wisp... I mean, lisp... pronouncing all his "l"s and "r"s as "w"s. Elmer usually hunted the mischevious Bugs Bunny (also usually voiced by Blanc) and often shushed the audience and asking them to "Be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm hunting wabbits." (In fact, this line was used in Elmer first proper appearance, 1940's Elmer's Candid Camera.) This was followed by his goofy trademark laugh.
  • "Great. E.T. calls, we come and he's not here!" - In Steven Spielberg's classic 1982 science fiction film E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial, the wrinkly alien called E.T. (who looks a little like Laserblast's aliens) creates a device out of household items and electronics to send a distress call to his own people. Or, as he puts it, to "phone home."
  • "Hey, Yertle! You left your shell in the ship!" - Yertle the Turtle appeared in a story in the 1958 children's book Yertle the Turtle and Other Stories by Dr. Seuss. King Yertle is ruler of "everything he can see." Deciding he wants to rule more, he forces all his turtle subjects to stand on each others backs, with Yertle on top, surveying his ever-expanding domain. Eventually, the bottom turtle, Mack, decides he's had enough and leaves, toppling Yertle. Seuss based the power-mad Yertle on dictator Adolph Hitler (some of Seuss' early sketches for the character even show the turtle with a Hitlerian moustache).
  • "Hey, Wally, c'mon out and help me find Roswell." - Roswell, New Mexico, is a mecca for UFO nuts around the world. It is said that a flying saucer crash-landed in the Roswell area in 1947 and Roswell (quite reasonably) milks the rumour to increase its tourist trade. The city and its UFO mythology featured heavily in the science-fiction teen drama "Roswell" (1993-2002).
  • "Look out! It's Gino Vannelli!" - About-to-be-vapourised boy also sort of resembles canadian singer Gino Vannelli (1952- ). Vannelli's first big hit was "People Gotta Move" (from his 1974 album Powerful People); his most popular song was probably 1985's "Black Cars" (from the album of the same name).
  • "Tonight on a very special 'Virginian.'" - James Drury played the titular character in the TV western "The Virginian" (1962-71). The Virginian was the foreman for the Shiloh cattle ranch in frontier days Wyoming. Being a western, one would assume that there'd be a lot of shoot-outs and such.
  • "Ah, Christina's World, 3001." - Pasty-boy crawling away looks surprisingly like the pose of the girl in American painter Andrew Wyeth's 1948 painting Christina's World, 1948.
  • "Help me, Spock. Spock!" - Spock (Leonard Nimony) was science officer and first officer to Capt. James T. Kirk (William Shatner) on "Star Trek" (1966-9) and the subsequent feature films. This particular quote is from the episode "The Savage Curtain." A group of aliens take on different forms to learn about good and evil. The "good" side includes Abraham Lincoln (Lee Bergere), who is kidnapped by the "evil" side. An alien in the form of Klingon leader Kahless (Robert Herron) imitates Lincoln (rather woodenly), calling out, "Help me, Spock! Help me!" The scenery at this point in the film looks a lot like the standard deserted, rocky planet set on "Trek."
  • "I know what you're thinking. Did I fire six gorlocks or only five?" - In the 1971 film Dirty Harry, tougher-than-nails cop "Dirty" Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood) (see below) chases a perp, firing his gun several times. When he has the suspect, who is also armed, cornered, Callahan psychs him out with this dialogue: "I know what you're thinking. 'Did he fire six shots or only five?' Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?"
  • "The key to the Amaco bathroom!" - Now a part of British Petroleum, gas station chain Amoco started its life as the Standard Oil Company in the American mid-west in 1889 before later changing to the American Oil Company. It opened its first service station (presumably complete with washroom key) in 1912.
  • "Is that a Cessna?" "Nah, I think it was a Piper." - Two airplane manufacturers. Cessa is named for founder Clyde Cessna and produced the first plane with a cantilevered wing in 1927. The Piper Aircraft Corporation, founded in 1937, is named for its founder, William T. Piper.
  • "Cleaner shave, cleaner shave, smoother all the way." - Sung to the tune of the popular winter holiday song Jingle Bells, this line presumably appeared in some of the Norelco ads mentioned above.
  • "Randy Johnson! Oh, no, it's her." - Help! I'm not sure what to make of this. There are a few famous-ish Randy Johnson/Johnston's out there but I don't know if any of them resembles the skinny mom here.
  • "So, here's my Slim-Fast, Metrical, Correctol..." - Weight-loss methods (both legitimate and non-legit). - Metrical and Slim-Fast are both liquid diets. Metrical was the first liquid diet, introduced in the 1960s, while Slim-Fast, begun in the '70s, is still around, with a wide range of shakes, powders, bars and actual meal with actual... well, something very much like food. Correctol, on the other hand, is an orally-taken laxative (featured in products like Metamucil and Phillip's Milk of Magnesia). Despite what Skinny Lady might do with it, for heaven's sake, don't take bunches of it in an effort to lose weight.
  • "Shaun Cassidy in Walking Tall." -
    • With his shoulder-length blonde hair, heart-throb Shaun Cassidy (1958- ) may not have been quite as popular as his half-brother David Cassidy, but his posters still adorned many a teenaged girl's bedroom wall in the 1970s. Cassidy reached the height of his popularity playing Joe Hardy on "The Hardy Boys Mysteries" (1977-9) and with a string of hit singles, like "Morning Girl" (1976) and his 1977 cover of "Da Do Ron Ron." In later days, Cassidy became a TV producer, being party responsible for shows like the popular but short-lived "American Gothic" (1995-6) and "Roar" (1997).
    • Walking Tall (1973) starred your favourite slobby cop and mine, Joe Don Baker, as real-life Sheriff Buford Pusser. Pusser sees nothing but corruption and rampant crime in the Tennessee town where he lives. He successfully runs for Sheriff and begins dispensing justice with a 4-foot long wooden club! This "hixploitation" film was followed by sequels in 1975 and 1977 and a 1981 television series.
  • "C'mon, let's pop amyls and watch 'Days.'"
    • "Amyls" refers to amyl nitrate, a popular recreational drug during the '70s, especially during the heyday of discos. It was first produced in 1857 to treat angina. The drug, which was freely distributed by physicians before prescription drug controls were tightened, evaporates at room temperature, so, when inhaled, it causes your veins and arteries to dialte suddenly and the flow of blood to your heart to surge, giving you an intense, but short-lived, rush.
    • "Like sands through the hourglass... so are the days of our lives." So runs the opening narration of every episode of the long-running soap opera "Days of Our Live" (1965- ). The show depicts like lives, loves and extrememly unlikely tribulations of the citizens of a city called Salem.
  • "You've got your James Spader lessons..." - Our "hero" does look a bit like actor James Spader (1960- ) (it's mostly the hair). Spader made his motion picture debut in 1981's Endless Love and went on to appear in such films as Pretty In Pink (1986), Mannequin (1987), Wall Street (1987), Sex, Lies and Videotape (1989) and Stargate (1994).
  • "There's a box of Weetabix. That should last you the month." - Weetabix cereal was introduced to the British populus in 1932. Making a big deal out of their use of the whole grain, the cereal has become popular world-wide.
  • "What is this? Underall aversion therapy?" - The film-makers seem to be trying to make us hate Underalls by exposing us to them in an unpleasant setting, namely on Billy's unattractively thin mom. Underalls were a line of undergarments made by Hanes, combining pantyhose and panties into a single garment, so that panty lines would become invisible.
  • "Hey! 'Kung Fu' got a van!" - "Kung Fu" (1972-5) starred David Carradine as Kwai Chang Caine, a Shaolin monk wandering America's Old West, helping those in need on the way with his martial arts skills. (Again, this probably just refers to the desert-like scenery.) The show was followed years later by a follow-up series, "Kung Fu: The Legend Continues" (1993-7), wherein Caine meets his grown-up son, Peter (Chris Potter).
  • "...just you, a ribbon of highway, your Dixie Dregs tapes..." - Georgia-based jazz-rock fusion band the Dixie Dregs was officially formed in 1975, after a couple of schoolmates had played together for a while. Their first album (done that year) The Great Spectacular was recorded as a class project, with Free Fall in 1977 being their official debut. Their 1978 album, What If was probably their most successful. They broke up in 1982, but still reunite occasionally.
  • "...friendly stranger in the black sedan!" - Tom is singing a line from the 1970 Ides of March song, "Vehicle." This song has been covered by a number of artists over the years, including Shirley Bassey.
  • "Billy Preston takes a solo." - Keyboardist Billy Preston (1946- ) is often acknowledged as the "fifth Beatle" due to his work on several albums by the Beatles. Preston started his music career very early, playing with gospel diva Mahalia Jackson by the age of ten. Later, he toured with Little Richard and was a regular performer on "Shindig" (1969-9). But his most popular work was his backup playing on the Beatles' White Album (1968), Abbey Road (1969) and Let It Be (1970).
  • "Ah, downtown Hugo." - Most likely refers to nearby (for the folks at Best Brains) Hugo, Minnesota. As of the 2000 census, the city had a whopping total population of 6363. Probably not a really happenin' place.
  • "This guy killed himself when the Edgar Winter Group broke up." - The Edgar Winter Group was formed in 1972 by, not surprisingly, musician Edgar Winter, who had already had a notable solo career. The Group only released three albums: 1972's They Only Come Out at Night (featuring their biggest hit, "Frankenstein"), Shock Treatment (1974) and The Edgar Winter Group With Rick Derringer (1975).
  • "Wow! And you thought Willie Aames was hot!" - Actor Willie Aames (1960- ) has a number of key roles in career for which he is remembered. He played teenager Tommy Bradford in the family drama/comedy "Eight is Enough" (1977-81); he co-starred with Scott Baio (see below) in the teen sex farce Zapped! (1982); and he reunited with Baio as the goofy sidekick on Baio's sit-com "Charles in Charge" (1984-90). Later, Aames became a children's pastor, touring with the Reverend Billy Graham and producing and starring in a series of video for young children, "Bibleman."
  • "He woke up Ram Dass." - Keenan Wynn looks a little like spiritual leader Ram Dass (1931- ; born Richard Alpert). While attending Harvard University, Alpert experiment with LSD and other psychedelic drugs alongside the likes of Timothy Leary and Aldous Huxley. After being expelled for these activities, Alpert travelling to India and studyed Hinduism, karma, yoga and Sufism, eventually taking the name of Ram Dass. On his return to North America, Ram Dass founded a number of spritual foundations, such as the Prison-Ashram Project, designed to assist the spiritual needs of prison inmates.
  • "Yukon Cornelius." - With his great big beard, Wynn also resembles the character of Yukon Cornelius (voiced by Larry D. Mann) from the 1964 Rankin-Bass stop-action animation Christmas special, Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Cornelius helps out Rudolph (Billie Mae Richards) and Hermey the Misfit Elf (Paul Soles) when they are lost in the arctic wilderness and takes on the Abominable Snowman by himself. What a guy!
  • "Everything is hush-hush!" "Sweet Charlotte!" - Hush... Hush, Sweet Charlotte (1964) starred Bette Davis as Charlotte Hollis, a possibly insane, wealthy southern spinster believed by her community to have brutally murdered her husband years previously. When it looks like her mansion is to be torn down to make way for a new highway, she calls on her cousin Miriam (Olivia de Havilland) for help, but Miriam doesn't seem to be on her side.
  • "Anna Nicole Smith and her husband." - Model and, ahem, actress Anna Nicole Smith (1967- ; born Vicki Lynn Hogan) was Playboy magazine's Playmate of the Year for 1993 and a model for Guess jeans. She has appeared in films like Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult (1994), the laughable straight-to-video Skyscraper (1997) and a slew of soft-core porn videos. She has also starred in her own show, "The Anna Nicole Show" (2002- ), which shows her rather scary day-to-day life. Smith married millionaire J. Howard Marshall in 1994, when she was 26 and he was almost 90. He died a year later and Smith became embroiled in a nasty legal battle with step-son E. Pierce Marshall over her late husband's estate, with the younger Marshall claiming that Smith had married her father only for his money. (Well, duh. And how much do you think he cared?) Smith eventually received $88 million dollars of Marshall's money.
  • "Old black water, keep on rollin'." - Lyric from the chorus of the Doobie Brothers song "Old Black Water" from their 1974 album What Were Once Vices Are Now Habits.
  • "Starsky and Hutch have been together a little too long." - On "Starsky and Hutch" (1975-9), Paul Michael Glover and David Soul played streewise police Detectives Dave Starsky and Ken "Hutch" Hutchison. In the course of fighting crime, the pair spent a lot of time in their memorable red and white Ford Torino.
  • "Look, are you ready for some footbaaaaall?!" - "Are you ready for some football?" was a line in the theme for ABC's "Monday Night Football" (1970-2005), as written and performed by country singer Hank William's, Jr. (whom the fat, homely, beaded sheriff resembles). The Williams theme was added to the show in 1989 and was adapted from the performer's 1984 single "My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight." The theme also appears on Williams' 1990 album America (The Way I See It).
  • "You ever notice how Haile Selassie's died?" - The Rastafarian political and religious movement, founded in Jamaica, worship former emperor of Ethiopia, Haile Selassie (1892-1975) (Selassie had previously been know as "Ras Tafari"). Rastafarians treat the smoking of marijuana as a sort of sacrament.
  • "Now that I think of it, Sister Mary Elephant is really funny." - "Sister Mary Elephant" is a sketch appearing on Cheech and Chong's (more on them in a sec) 1972 album Big Bambu. It appears to be about a nun, Sister Mary Elephant, trying to teach a class of none-too-bright, stoned kids. Like most Cheech and Chong humour, it's probably a lot funnier when your stoned yourself.
  • "They're at least as funny as Cheech and Chong." - 1970s comedy duo Cheech and Chong did mostly drug-related humour back when that sort of thing was still considered funny. Their complete names are Richard "Cheech" Marin (1946- ) and Tommy Chong (1938- ). They had a successful series of comedy albums and, during the '80s, a few forgettable films. After breaking up, they both went on to relatively successful solo acting careers.
  • "Ron Howard pops the clutch [...] politely inviting people to 'eat his dust.'" - Apparently, Tom feels that the deputy resembles actor and movie director Ron Howard (1954- ), although I don't see it myself. Ron Howard biggest acting claims to fame are his roles as little Opie Taylor on "The Andy Griffith Show" (1960-8) and clean-cut Richie Cunningham for most of the run of "Happy Days" (1974-84). Howard later went on to bigger things, directing some of the most popular films in motion picture history, like Splash (1984), Cocoon (1985), Willow (1988), Backdraft (1991), Apollo 13 (1995) and the Oscar-winning A Beautiful Mind (2001). "Eat his dust" refers to Howard's appearance in 1976's Eat My Dust!, a car chase movie in which he played a young man who steals a race car to impress a girl.
  • "Pull over; squeal like a pig." - The immortal line "Squeal Like a Pig" by actor Bill McKinney as the unnamed Mountain Man in the 1972 movie Deliverance. In the film, a group of friends go on a canoeing in hillbilly/redneck country and suffer horribly at the hands of the locals. In one scene, Bobby Trippe (Ned Beatty) is raped by the Mountain Man, who demands that Trippe "squeal like a pig." Not a scene for the squeamish.
  • "You know, Mike, it's hard not to make a 'Dukes of Hazzard' comment." - The mostly-comic TV series "The Dukes of Hazzard" (1979-85) centered around the adventures of the Duke clan (mostly brothers Bo (John Schneider) and Luke (Tom Wopat) Duke) as they fought the corrupt local government of Hazzard county (in an unnamed Southern state). The show featured unnumberable car chases, usually involving police vehicles and the Duke brothers' souped-up Dodge Charger, the General Lee. Yeeeeeee-haw!
  • "Show me the way to the next whiskey bar!" - The soundtrack during this scene sounds like the Doors' song "Alabama Song (Whiskey Bar)," which Mike sings, from their 1967 self-titled album.
  • "Suddenly I long for a Hal Needham film." - Hal Needham (1931- ) was an accomplished stunt-man, with a career stretching as a far back as "Gunsmoke" (1955-75), "Rawhide" (1959-66) and "Star Trek" (1966-9), before moving on to writing and directing motion pictures. His films usually involved extensive car chase sequences, like Smokey and the Bandit (1977), Cannonball Run (1981) and Cannonball Run II (1984).
  • "Well, if you'll excuse me, there's a bag of Mama Burgers waitin' for me." - Mama Burgers, along with Papa, Grandpa, Teen and Baby Burgers are part of fast-food chain A&W's "Burger Family." The burgers increase in size and ingredient complexity from Baby up to Granpa. For years, only the Teen and Baby Burgers remained on the menu, but in 2000, the rest of the Family was re-introduced (at least here in Canada).
  • "Anyway, all my rowdy friends are comin' over later." - As noted above, "My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight" (1984) was a hit single for country singer Hank Williams, Jr., whom the sheriff resembles.
  • "Dirty and hairy." - The character of "Dirty" Harry Callahan (played by Clint Eastwood) first appeared in the 1971 film Dirty Harry. Callahan was a super-tough cop who broke all the rules... but got the job done. Known for his reckless and frequent gun-play, Harry returned in four more films: Magnum Force (1973), The Enforcer (1976), Sudden Impact (1983) and The Deal Pool (1988).
  • "Galahad! No!" - Help!
  • "Hi, I'm Max Keller." - The character of Max Keller (mumble-played by Timothy Van Patten) featured in the short-lived action adventure series "The Master" (1984). Keller, like Billy, owned a van and Hi, I'm Max Keller was the opening narration line of each episode. The series was edited into a number of made-for-video movies, including Master Ninja I (1984) and Master Ninja II (1984), watched by Joel and the Bots in experiments #322 and #324.
  • "I'd better stock up on Ollie Joe Prater and Jerry Clower tapes." - Jerry Clower (1926-98) was a country-style comedian, whose first album, Jerry Clower From Yazoo City (Mississippi Talkin') (1971), reached the top 20 on the country music charts. Ollie Joe Prater (?-?) was another country comedian. Except for the titles of a couple of his albums (Last Real Man in America, Victim of Room Service (both 1995)), I can't find out much about him. Help!
  • "Hey, it's that gas station that... Frank Lloyd Wright didn't design..." - With designs for over 800 buildings (350 of which were built and 250 of which still stand), American Frank Lloyd Wright (1869-1959) was probably the world's most accomplished architect. Wright created "organic architecture," building styles that harmonised with inhabitants and their surroundings. His works range from the Guggenhiem Musuem in New York City and, yes, a gas station. Specifically, the R.W. Lindholm Service Station in Cloquet, Minnesota, built in 1956. The station is still functional and open to the public.
  • "Karen Carpenter's phone booth." - Singer Karen Carpenter (1950-83) and her brother Richard made up the popular soft-rock duo the Carpenters. For much of her later life, Carpenter suffered from severe anorexia nervosa. She became so thin and weak that, at one point, a Carpenters European tour had to be cancelled. She eventually passed away from heart failure, cause by her eating disorder.
  • "Coca-Cola's gonna need a P.R. campaign just to undo the damage this scene is doing." - Do I need to explain Coca-Cola? Sigh. All right, quick version: created in 1886 by Atlanta pharmacist John Pemberton, Coca-Cola, or Coke, eventually became one of the world's most popular soft drinks. There are about a hundred thousand variations on the original beverage now, like Diet Coke, Caffeine-Free Coke, Vanilla Coke, Diet Vanilla Coke, MegaCoke, UltraCoke... okay, I made those last two up.
  • "Leif Garrett did more harm than he'll ever know." - One-time teen idol Leif Garrett (1961- ) began acting at a very young age, first appearing uncredited as a child in the 1969 movie Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice. From there, he went on to make appearances in a number of 1970s television programs, like "Family" (1976-80), "Cannon" (1971-6) and "CHiPs" (1977-83) and in more films like the Walking Tall films (see above) and The Outsiders (1983). During the 70s, Garrett and his tousled blonde hair also becames fixtures in magazines like Teen Beat and Tiger Beat when he did a stint recording "bubblegum pop," with his biggest hit being 1978's I Was Made For Dancing.
  • "Hey, you wouldn't believe what just happened at Dealey Plaza!" - On November 22, 1963, as his motorcade passed through Dealey Plaza in Dallas, Texas, U.S. President John F. Kennedy was assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald from the nearby Texas School Book Depository. The boat of a car driven by the approaching idiots looks a lot like the one Kennedy and his entourage were riding in that day.
  • "Stephen Stills and Bill Gates." - The duo in the car sort of look like this unlikely pairing.
    • Musician Stephen Stills (1945- ) was a member of the acclaimed groups Buffalo Springfield and Crosby, Stills & Nash (or Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, depending on the time frame). He also had a solo career, beginning with a self-titled album in 1970 which included his hit single "Love the One You're With."
    • Bill Gates (1955- ) is, of course, the co-founder (with Paul Allen) of the Microsoft Corporation (originally "Micro-soft"), the creators of the Windows computer operating system, which I sure most of you have cursed at some point (in fact, may be cursing this moment). He has more money than you or I will even see in our lives; just goes to show what a nerd from Seattle can do when he sets his mind to it.
  • "Hahahaha! Wipe out!" - "Wipe Out" was first recorded by The Surfaris in 1963 on their album of the same name and has become one of the definitive instrumental surf rock songs. It features a lot of wicked drum work (note our loser pounding away on his van's sun-visor).

Host Segment 2 - MONAD

  • This whole segment is a parody of the classic "Star Trek" (1966-9) episode "The Changeling," first broadcast on September 29, 1967. In this episode, the starship Enterprise encounters a space probe named Nomad (Monad's a fair approximation of it), sent to seek out life. But, after accidentally melding with an alien probe created to sterilize soil, it becomes confused and instead begins to destroy any life-forms it deems "imperfect," which, it seems, is pretty much everyone. Referring to everyone as "units" ("the Scotty unit," "the Spock unit" and so on), Nomad is finally tricked into destroying itself when Captain Kirk (William Shatner) convices Nomad that the probe itself is imperfect as well. Mind you, Nomad's just a titch harder to fool that Monad, who's kinda pathetic.
  • "I should destroy you but, I'll give you a mulligan on that one." - In golf, a "mulligan" is the term for a free shot given after an especially poor shot (usually a tee shot). This, of course, is only ever used in casual play and often involves saying "Pleeeeease?" a lot to your fellow players.

Movie Act 2

  • "Lady! When I'm with you I'm smiling!" - Another 1970s music ref. This line is from the Styx song "Lady" from their 1973 album Styx II.
  • "Good thing my Frost and Tip took." - Frost and Tip (or "Frost & Tip" or "Frost N Tip" depending on where I look) is a blond highlighting product for hair produced by Clairol.
  • "Pespi paid them big bucks to place Coke in this movie." - Okay. Right. Pepsi's turn. Coca-Cola's (see above) biggest rival for most popular soft drink in the world, Pepsi cola was originally called "Brad's Drink," after its creator, North Carolina pharmacist Caleb Bradham. The name change to Pepsi came in 1898. Like Coke, it comes a zillion different varieties, like Diet Pepsi, Vanilla Pepsi, Wild Cherry Pepsi, Pepsi Twist and Pepsi One (and this time, I'm not making any of those up).
  • "The Navajos get all the good land." - The Navajos (or Navahos) are currently the most populous group of North American Natives in the United States. Like all Natives, they had their land usurped by European settlers during their colonisation of North America. The Navajos have gotten some land back over the years, more than 24,000 square miles (64,000 square km), in fact, throughout New Mexico, Arizona and Utah. This is, however, hardly, "good land"; it is mostly desert-like and arid and won't support any decent amount of agriculture or livestock.
  • "Lyle Swann's motorcycle from Timerider!" - Timerider: The Adventures of Lyle Swann (1982) told the story of Lyle Swann (Fred Ward), a motorcycle champ riding through the desert accidentally caught up in a time-travel experiment. He finds himself (and his motorcycle) trapped in the Old West.
  • "I really am just dust in the wind man, they are so right..." - "Dust in the Wind," from their 1977 album Point of Know Return, was probably musical group Kansas' biggest hit. The song is about the temporary nature of existence and features the refrain, "All we are is dust in the wind."
  • "I'd like to call my horse with no name but it doesn't have a name." - The band called America released their debut single, "A Horse With No Name," in 1971 and it became a huge hit. It is sung by someone who has been through the desert on, well, a horse with no name. Apparently, it was good to get out of the rain and, in the desert, he could remember his name. The rest of the song doesn't make any more sense.
  • "Funky Winkerbean!" - The "Funky Winkerbean" comic strip made its syndicated newspaper debut in 1972. Written and drawn by Tom Batiuk, the strip's main character was high school student Funky Winkerbean (who our film's main character probably does resemble from the knees down, with the bell-bottoms and big feet). The strip has taken a more realistic view of time than many others, with Funky now a grown-up co-owner of a pizza place. Batiuk has also used his creation to deal with more serious issues, like teen suicide and guns in schools. One recurring character even battled breast cancer.
  • "Wow! Albert Belle did cork his bat!" - Albert Belle (1966- ); one-time baseball player for the Baltimore Orioles. The first player to hit 50 home runs and 50 doubles in a single season. In 1994, Belle was suspended for 7 games when he was found guilty of corking his bat (replacing the centre of one's bat with cork to make it easier to swing). Belle maintained his innocence and claimed his bat was tampered with by rival team, the Chicago White Sox.
  • As Billy picks up the laserblaster, Tom sings the opening notes from composer Richard Strauss' 1895 "symphonic poem," Also Sprach Zarathustra. This theme is also used in the 1968 SF classic 2001: A Space Odyssey; there is a similar "picking up something slowly" scene when a prehistoric human picks up a bone, realising its potential use as a tool.
  • "Wow! To think I was depressed from when 'Battlestar: Galactica' got cancelled!" - "Battlestar: Galactica" (1978-9) began its life as a 1978 TV movie written and produced by Glen A. Larson. It told the tale of a fleet of spaceships peopled by humans on the run from the robotic Cylons, who were determined to wipe out humankind. The fleet's lead ship was the Battlestar Galactica, led by Commander Adama (Lorne Greene). The fleet's ultimate goal was to track down a lost human colony called Earth. The show was very popular, always dominating its timeslot; but at $1 million an episode (even more than it sounds in the late 1970s), it was deemed too expensive to continue and was axed. An attempted revived called "Galactica 1980" (1980) had the fleet reaching Earth, but it was so bad that nobody anywhere considers it canon. It has regained popularity recently, with comic books and a series of novel as well as a remake mini-series scheduled for early 2004. In 1979, a 15-year old boy from St. Paul, Minnesota, named Eddie Seidel Jr. got so depressed at "Galactica"'s cancellation that he commited suicide. (More details here.)
  • "Does he always waltz around when he finds old Thorens tone-arms?" - Thanks to Helper Freddie Agricola for figuring this one out. The Laserblaster... thingy looks a lot like an enormous turntable arm... A turntable. A turntable. You know, one of those things you put a vinyl record on? A record. Oh, never mind. (Kids.) Anyway, it resembles a turntable arm and Thorens is a German manufacturer of turntables.
  • "A Daisy Red Rider repeated rifle! Thanks, Dad!" - Ralphie Parker (Peter Billingsley), the young hero of the 1983 film A Christmas Story (possibly the best holiday movie ever made) wants nothing more for Christmas than "an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred Shot Range Model Air Rifle!" (The Red Ryder, manufactured by Daisy, is probably the most famous and popular BB gun in history.) Poor Ralphie is repeatedly told, however, that "you'll put your eye out" by everyone from his mother (Melinda Dillon) to a department store Santa (Jeff Gillen). Fortunately, Ralphie's father (Darren McGavin) gives in, and the lad gets his rifle.
  • "I think he's doing Frampton Comes Alive!." - 1970s musician Peter Frampton's 1976 live double LP Frampton Comes Alive! is the best-selling live album of all time. That concert, recorded at the Winterland Arena in San Francisco, was the first time Frampton had headlined a show.
  • "Do the apes know they're filming in the Forbidden Zone?" - In the first Planet of the Apes movie (1968), the Forbidden Zone was a barren area away from where the intelligent apes lived. It was, well, forbidden, by ape law, for anyone to enter this area, because the Zone contained proof that the apes' world was, in fact, Earth and that man had once been the dominant species.
  • "One of Mr. T's understated pieces." - Sometimes professional wrestler and actor Mr. T (1952- ; born Lawrence Tureaud) is best known for his role on TV as B.A. Baracus on the comedy/action program "The A-Team" (1983-7). He also had his own Saturday morning cartoon, "Mister T" (1983) and a number of films, such as Rocky III (1982) and D.C. Cab (1983). T had a very... distinctive look, sporting a mohawk hairdo and bunches of gaudy gold chains. These days, T is mostly reduced to appearances in long-distance ads.
  • "Moses!" "Yes, Yahweh in a can! If you want to summon Yahweh..." - In chapter 3 of the book of Exodus in the Bible's Old Testament, God (Yahweh being the Hebrew name for God) appears to his prophet Moses in the form of a burning bush. From the King James Version: "2And the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a flame of fire out of the midst of a bush: and he looked, and, behold, the bush burned with fire, and the bush was not consumed. 3And Moses said, I will now turn aside, and see this great sight, why the bush is not burnt. 4And when the Lord saw that he turned aside to see, God called unto him out of the midst of the bush, and said, Moses, Moses. And he said, Here am I."
  • "Georgia O'Keeffe's massive limousine." - Artist Georgia O'Keeffe (1887-1986), with her bold use of colour, is widely regarded as a major shaper of modern American art. She specialised in flowers and the American West as subject for her paintings; you can check out samples at the Georgia O'Keeffe Online Gallery. I'm quite lost on the limousine half of the gag, though. Help!
  • "You want a Dick Butkus mug?" - Football player Dick Butkus (1942- ) was an aggressive linebacker for the Chicago Bears (1965-73). He was elected to the NFL Hall of Fame in 1979 and has been a radio and TV announcer for the NFL. Big, tough guy. The kind of fella who'd probably be pleased to have his own gas-station give-away mug.
  • "The Bill Bixby line of David Birney clothing." - Two (mostly) '70s actors.
    • The fella here especially resembles Bill Bixby (1934-93) appeared in several films, including Clambake (1967) with Elvis Presley and Disney's The Apple Dumpling Gang (1975) but was most famous for two TV roles: as the long-suffering Tom Corbett on "The Courtship of Eddie's Father" (1969-72) and Dr. David Bruce Banner, the mild-mannered alter ego of "The Incredible Hulk" (1978-82).
    • Although he did some film work, David Birney (1939- ) mostly appeared in TV movies, like Murder or Mercy (1974) and Someone's Watching Me! (1978), and series,
  • "Look at all the 8-tracks! Ferrante & Teicher, Captain and Tennille..."
    • Pianists Arthur Ferrante (1921- ) and Louis Teicher (1924- ) met when both were attending the esteemed Julliard School of Music in New York City. They hit if off and decided to become the piano due of Ferrante & Teicher. Over the years, they recorded dozens of albums featuring their instrumental pop interpretations of music both classical and modern. Some of their music was quite experimental, with effects added to the music by using materials like paper, sticks and rubber bands on the piano hammers.
    • Married couple Daryl Dragon (1942- ) and Toni Tennille (1943- ) performed as the Captain and Tennille (Dragon wore a captain's hat, hence his "title") and had a number of top ten hit during the 1970s, including "Love Will Keep Us Together" (1975), "Shop Around" (1976), "Do That to Me One More Time" (1979) and the now somewhat infamous "Muskrat Love" (1976). They also had their own briefly-lived variety show, "The Captain and Tennille" (1976-7).
  • "Here's my Merle Haggard Visa, I assume you take that." - Merle Haggard (1937- ) is considered one of the most important country performers and songwriters since Hank Williams. His music style drew from a variety of other genres, like jazz and folk. Song highlights include "Okie from Muskogee" and "Workin' Man Blues" (both 1969). Haggard has also spoken out against the Vietnam War and the war on Iraq and written a number of anti-war songs.
  • "My new Club magazine should wait until I get to the hotel." - It's a dirty magazine. And that's pretty much all I'm inclined to get into on this page.
  • "There's the Ziffel B and B..." - Fred (Hank Patterson) and Doris Ziffel (Barbara Pepper; later replaced by Fran Ryan) were farmers and inhabitants of Hooterville on the rural sit-com "Green Acres" (1965-71). The Ziffels, unable to have a child of their own, treated their pet pig Arnold as a son. (They never ran a bed and breakfast on the show, though. Just the farm.)
  • "Get your motor running. Get out on the highway." - Lyrics from Steppenwolf's 1968 hit "Born to Be Wild." The song has become a stardard bikers' anthem.
  • "Did they need to come to Angkor Wat just to have a picnic?" - Angkor Wat is a massive (over 200 square km) complex of ancient temples found in Angkor, Cambodia. Originally built in the 12th century by King Suryavarman II of the Khmer empire, the temples were eventually taken over by Buddhist monks when the empire fell and became one of the most important pilgrimage sites in Southeast Asia.
  • "I might as well pray to Baal while I'm here." - Spelled with a small "b," "baal" refers to any one of numerous fertility and nature deities worshipped by ancient Semetics. These were probably the source of "Baal" with a capital "B," who was the supreme male god of the Phoenician and Canaanitish nations. With a name translating as "lord" or "owner," the Hebrews considered Baal to be a false god. There you go. Some education. Use it wisely.
  • "Not waking people up at the crack of dawn, I hope." "Well, that's where they found Tony Orlando." - Performer Tony Orlando (1944- ) teamed up with the singing duo Dawn (Telma Hopkins and Joyce Vincent) to record a string of easy listening hits in the 1970s. These include "Knock Three Times" (1971), "He Don't Love You (Like I Love You)" (1973) and "Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Old Oak Tree" (1973). This last song's "yellow ribbon" became symbolic of the American hostages held in Iran during the early 1980s and the song was a huge hit for a second time. Like many '70s music acts, Orlando and Dawn hit their own variety show, "Tony Orlando and Dawn" (1974-6).
  • "Just you, me and the sky." "A dog named Boo..." - "Me and You and a Dog Named Boo" was a hit song in 1971 for the "band" Lobo (really just performer Kent LaVoie).
  • "David Soul and Sondra Locke goin' at it."
    • Actor David Soul (1943- ; born David Richard Solberg) will always be best remembered for his role as Hutch on the 1970s police drama "Starsky and Hutch" (1975-9), although he has appeared on other shows and in many movies as well (admittely, mostly TV movies). Soul also had a relatively successful musical career; before getting into acting, he was a folk-singer and opened for acts like the Byrds and Frank Zappa. He released five albums in a four year period during the late '70s, with his biggest hit being "Don't Give Up on Us, Baby" (1976).
    • Actress Sondra Locke (1947- ) is more famous for her rocky 13 year relationship with fellow actor Clint Eastwood than her actual film appearance. Locke appeared in six films with Eastwood, including The Outlaw Josey Wales (1976), Every Which Way But Loose (1978) and Bronco Billy (1980). After breaking up with Eastwood, she wrote a tell-all book about thier time together, The Good, the Bad, and the Very Ugly: A Hollywood Journey (1997). Non-Eastwood films Locke has appeared in include Willard (1971) and 1986's Ratboy, the touching story of a boy who is also half rat, which she also directed.
  • "Like when you crank 'Don't Fear the Reaper.'" - "Don't Fear the Reaper" was a big hit for the rock band Blue Öyster Cult, off their 1976 album Agents of Fortune.
  • "Meanwhile, on 'Quark.'" - The alien ship resembles the spacecraft on the short-lived science-fiction parody series "Quark" (1978). The show featured Richard Benjamin as Adam Quark, captain of an outer space garbage collection ship.
  • "That Earth store named Radio Shack is just crap." - The first Radio Shack opened in Boston in 1921 by Theodore and Milton Deustchmann. Eventually bought out by Tandy in 1963, it is now the biggest electronic supply chain in North America. With other big chains like Futureship moving in, though, Radio Shack's reputation has become a little tarnished and many jokes are made about the quality of their products. For example, in 1977, Radio Shack introduced the first mass-produced personal computer, the TRS-80; it later became known affectionately at the TRaSh-80.
  • "This is DSS, huh?" - DSS is short for Digital Satellite System. It's just what you're probably thinking it is: a system to beam digital-quality TV signals to your home via satellite.
  • "This beautiful panel could be yours!" - The alien is waving its arm in the style of the models presenting potential prizes on the long-running game show "The Price is Right" (various incarnations since 1956). Don Pardo or Johnny Olsen or whoever would talk about the prize up for grabs and tell the contestants, "This [whatever it is] could be yours if... the price is right!"
  • "Iron Eyes Cody." - Native American actor Iron Eyes Cody (1907-1999; born Espera DeCorti) appeared in more than a hundred movies, dating back as far as 1930 with The Big Trail, often as a stereotypical "Injun." He is probably best remembered for his appearance in a series of public service television announcements encouraging people not to litter. Cody, upon seeing the ruin brought upon the land by the white man, stood silently as a tear runs down his face.
  • "Oh, no, it's Michael Landon!" - Actor Michael Landon (1936-91) had an extensive screen career (both in front of and behind the camera). He is mostly remembered for certain key roles, including his first credited film role in the 1957 B-movie classic I Was a Teenage Werewolf (seen in episode 809), as the werewolf. His television work included a number of family-oriented programs, like "Bonanza" (1959-73), "Little House on the Prairie" (1974-83) and "Highway to Heaven" (1984-9) (which he helped develop).
  • "Englebert Humperdinck on a very personal journey." - Arnold George Dorsey (1936- ) was originally a dance-band singer, using the name Gerry Dorsey, before his manager (and former roommate) George Mills saddled him with the improbable stage name of Englebert Humperdinck (after the 19th century German opera composer). Under this name, Dorsey became a hugely successful balladeer during the 1960s and '70s, with hits like "Release Me (And Let Me Love Again)" (1967), "Am I That Easy to Forget" (1968) and "After the Lovin'" (1976).
  • "I thought I was supposed to film a Tareyton commercial out here." - Helper Amanda Wells suspects this is a reference to Taretyon cigarettes.
  • "Did ancient astronauts make dirt bunnies?" - The phrase "Did ancient astronauts...?" featured in ads for the Time-Life series of books on the "supernatural" and "unexplained." The "ancient astronauts" nonsense refers to the theory that aliens visited Earth in ancient times and were responsible for historical monuments like the Pyramids, the Sphinx or the huge geoplyphs at Nazca. This is a largely racist theory, implying that these poor, primitive, non-white, non-European peoples couldn't possibly have had the intelligence or imagination to create these achievments themselves.
  • "There's a place in France where the ladies wear no..." - The score at this point sounds a little like the famous tune, most commonly known as "The Streets of Cairo or The Poor Little Country Maid," used in movies and cartoons to indicate exotic locales, usually those featuring snake-charmers and belly-dancers. Tom is singing one of many "naughty" variations of the tune. A few theories are around concerning the origins of the song, placing its origins anywhere from more than 400 years ago to the 1893 World's Columbia Exposition in Chicago. For bunches more info on the song, check out this site.
  • "Another Buddhist monk..." - To protest the ongoing Vietnam War, several Buddhist monks immolated themselves in public. The first of these was 73-year old Thich Quanc Duc, who, on June 11, 1963, sat down in the middle of a busy intersection in Saigon, Vietnam. Two other monks poured gasoline over him and set fire to him. As he burned, Duc didn't move a muscle, and sat calmly in the lotus position as he burned to death and horrified onlookers watched. His heart, which did not burn, was kept as a sacred relic.
  • "It's Coleman Francis mountain!" - Coleman Francis (1919-73) only wrote and directed three films and all three appeared as experiments on MST3K. That may be some kind of record. Those films were The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961; episode #621), The Skydivers (1963; episode #609) and Red Zone Cuba (1966; episode #619; see below). All three films were filmed around the area of Yucca Mountain, which the shot here resembles. His films are bad. Just... bad. Forget Ed Wood. At least Ed attempted plots, whereas Coleman's films are just a series of unconnected images. For some reason, a lot of pointless shots of airplanes. As well as appearing in his own films in small roles, Francis had even smaller roles in other people's films, including the delivery guy in This Island Earth (1955) and "Fat Drunk" in 1970's Beyond the Valley of the Dolls.
  • "Well, I've come to where the flavour is but nothing's happening." - "Come to where the flavor is" was often used in print ads for Marlboro cigarettes. This brand's "mascot" was the "Marlboro Man," a cowboy-type who would probably feel at home in the Western-desert-y environment that this film just won't move away from.
  • "Oh, man, if Pauly Shore is in this..." - Oh, ye Gods, Pauly Shore (1968- ). One of the least funny "comic" actors ever filmed. This is the kind of scene he'd be in, populated by the kind of characters he'd play. The son of a comedy club owner, Shore tends to play complete and utter morons (which one can only assume is casting to type). His movies include Encino Man (1992), Son In Law (1993), Jury Duty (1995) and Bio-Dome (1996). Less irritating role include his voice-only work in A Goofy Movie (1995) and its sequel An Extremely Goofy Movie (2000). Shore also had a mercifully short-lived sit-com, "Pauly" (1997).
  • "That's not really a good Chippendale outfit." - Chippendale's is a troupe of very popular male strippers. I'm sure there's a lot more information to share but, oddly enough, I'm not really inclined to find out more...
  • "Scott Baio class." - Actor Scott Baio (1961- ) was quite the heartthrob during the 1970s and '80s. He first came to real notice when he played the pint-sized title character in the 1976 all-kiddie cast gangster film Bugsy Malone. He became a household name when he started to appear as Chachi Arcola, young cousin to the Fonz (Henry Winkler) on "Happy Days" (1974-84). The character was so popular that Baio, with fellow "Days" actor Erin Moran, got his own, short-lived spin-off, "Joanie Loves Chachi" (1982-3). Around this time, Baio got saddled with the bad teen sex-romp movie Zapped! (1982). The only thing that might considered good to come out of that film is Baio using his chemistry with co-star Willie Aames (see above) in his next successful sit-com "Charles in Charge" (1984-90). Baio still turns up, although in less popular films like the action thriller Detonator (1998) and (yikes!) Baby Genuises 2 (2003).
  • "Hey, Stoker! Murphy! Bubba!" - Don't know if this references anything or if Mike's just being silly. Help!
  • "Yes, it's a Manson Family reunion!" - While living in San Fransisco in the 1960s, cult leader and wing-nut Charles Manson started gathering a number of followers, mostly female (probably looking like the group seen in the film here), into a group eventually dubbed "the Manson Family." In August of 1969, at Manson's urgings, several members of the Family brutally murdered a number of high-profile Los Angeles citizens; eight-months pregnant actress Sharon Tate, businessman Leno LaBianca and LaBianca's wife Rosemary. Manson, believing that an apocalypse was imminent, was attempting to start a race war by making it look like blacks had killed these prominent whites. All those involved, including Manson, were sentenced to death; this was converted to life in prison when California abolished the death sentence.
  • "It's Rover from 'The Prisoner'!" - The surrealistic cult classic TV show "The Prisoner" (1967) starred Patrick McGoohan as the unnamed Number 6, a former British government employee (possibly a secret agent) who, in the first episode, discovers a terrible secret and resigns. He is abducted (by whom is never entirely certain) and held prisoner in the Village, a, well, village, from which there is no escape and where mind-games are constantly used again Number 6 to find out what he knows. The Village seems to be on an island and, if anyone tries to escape by the sea, they are prevented from doing so by a giant, white, beach-ball like entity nick-named "Rover" which engulfs them completely and dumps them back on the island.
  • "Hey, it's the [????] kid!" - Can't make this out. Help!
  • "Hey, how are things in the Blue Lagoon?" - The curly-blonde-haired fella here resembles the character of Richard (Christopher Atkins) in the 1980 film The Blue Lagoon. Richard and Emmeline (Brooke Shields) are marooned on an island as children and grow up together, eventually having a child of their own. I remember there was some fuss about the movie when it came out involving Brooke Shield's nude scenes, as she was only 15 at the time; of course, it turns out it was all body doubles anyway. Followed in 1991 by Return to the Blue Lagoon with a completely different cast.
  • "And Elway takes him down!" - John Elway (1960- ) is considered one of the NFL's most successful quarterbacks. He played between 1983 and 1999 for the Baltimore Colts and, later, the Denver Broncos. To date, he is the "winningest" (didn't know that was a word) quarterback in history, with 148 victories in his career.
  • "A Microsoft meeting goes horribly wrong!" - Refers back to Eddie Deezen's resemblance to Bill Gates (see above).
  • "Billy, don't!" "Be a hero!" - "Billy, Don't Be a Hero" was a hit song for Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods in 1974. A young man named Billy goes off to war. His girlfriend asks him to not be a hero. First thing he does? Volunteer for a dangerous mission and get himself killed. Bonehead.

Host Segment 3 - Star Babies nappy changing

  • The field of Star-Babies is a reference to 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968), which will be better explained below.
  • Mike is acting as the guy who is always in command at "Mission Control" in spacecraft disaster films such as Marooned (1969; known as Space Travelers when shown in episode 401) and Apollo 13 (1995). These fellows are always extremely tense (understandably, I suppose), drink gallons of coffee and smoke a pack of cigarettes every few minutes as they attempt to talk astronauts down safely.

Movie Act 3

  • "Oh, great, he lives next to Alan Parsons." - Alan Parsons (1949- ) is known less for his actual musical performances than for his extensive behind the scenes influence on modern music. He was a staff engineer on the Beatles' 1969 album Abbey Road and Pink Floyd's classic Dark Side of the Moon (1973). He later helped form The Alan Parsons project, a group of rotating performers guided by Parsons' vision. Parsons played infrequently with the band, mostly writing songs (often lushly synthasized) and developing album concepts.
  • "I'm not Adam Roarke!" - Born Richard Gerler, actor Adam Roarke (1937-96) had a steady but not especially remarkable career. He appeared in such films as Women of the Prehistoric Planet (1966; show in episode 104), Hells Angels On Wheels (1967), Frogs (1972) and Dirty Mary Crazy Larry (1974). Presumably, there's some resemblance here.
  • "Powered by a 20-horse Evinrude, this Dodge Charger..." - Especially popular during the 1970s and '80s, the Dodge Charger was unlikely to have an Evinrude motor; Evinrude, founded in 1909 by Ole Evinrude, produces outboard boat motors. One of my favourite movies as a kid, Disney's animated The Rescuers (1977) featured a mosquito (voiced by James MacDonald) who acted as an outboard motor for the other small creatures in the film. His name: Evinrude.
  • "Love the one you're with!" - "Love the One You're With" was a solo hit for Stephen Stills (normally of Crosby, Stills & Nash) from his 1970 self-titled album. "If you can't be with the one you love, honey/Love the one you're with." Yeah, he says that until his girlfriend loves the one she's with.
  • "I know, schlemiel, schlimazel, whatever." - The opening to the popular sit-com "Laverne & Shirley" (1976-83) feature best friends Laverne (Penny Marshall) and Shirley (Cindy Williams), arm in arm (like the two women in the movie) walk down a street and chant, "1! 2! 3! 4! 5! 6! 7! 8! Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!", which then led into the theme song. It's just a nonsense chant, although the words are actual Yiddish. A schlemiel is a bungler; a schlimazel is an unlucky person; and hasenpfeffer is a rabbit stew of German origin.
  • "Dennis Cole!" - Actor Dennis Cole has appeared in a scattering of movies but mostly appears in numerous television shows. He was an especially frequent fixture in the 1970s (which would make him fit in in this film), popping up on shows like "Love, American Style" (1969-74), "Police Woman" (1974-8), "Fantasy Island" (1978-84), "Charlie's Angels" (1976-81), "The Love Boat" (1977-86), "The Streets of San Francisco" (1972-7) and "Police Woman" (1974-8).
  • "I am the lizard king!" - Billy here, on the cliff, sort of looks like the Doors' lead singer Jim Morrison in concert; weirdly lit, wild-eyed, reaching out to the audience. "I am the lizard king" is a line from the Morrison-penned "The Celebration of the Lizard," the long, rambling version of which can be heard on the group's live 1970 release Absolutely Live. The song is a bizarre, mostly spoken, unfollowable rant.
  • "That was Cochise's charger?" - I suppose Native American leader Cochise (?1812-74) would have had a charger; but a horse, not the car. Chief of the Apache nation, Cochise was initially friendly toward European settlers... until the boneheads imprisoned him on a false kidnapping charge. As a result, in 1861, Cochise started an all-out campaign against settlers. He eventually surrendered to authorities in early 1872 when he was assured that he and his band would be allowed to remain in their home area. Of course, they lied about this and Cochise went on the run when the Apache were moved to a reservation later that year. He surrended again not long after.
  • "Another Larry Storch wannabe, here." - Actor Larry Storch's (1923- ) main claims to fame are being the voice of classic animated character Koko the Clown beginning in 1961, and starring in TV comedies "F Troop" (1965-7; a sit-com set in a fort during the old west) and "The Ghost Busters" (1975; a short-lived effort preceding the 1984 major motion picture by a decade and related in no way other than name). His portrayal on "F Troop" of Corporal Randolph Agarn was way over the top. Then again, everything on "F Troop" was way over the top.
  • "Yup, Whopper and fries, you want anything?" - The Whopper is, of course, fast food chain Burger King's signature burger. Introduced in 1957, there are currently several variations on the burger, including the Double Whopper, the Chicken Whopper, the Whopper Jr. and the Damn Big Whopper. No, not really on that last one.
  • "Oh, and, hey. Let's be careful out there." - Almost every episode of the first three seasons of the popular police drama "Hill Street Blues" (1981-7) featured a morning briefing scene, during which Sgt. Phil Esterhaus (Michael Conrad) filled in his fellow officers on relevant news and the day's assignments. Esterhaus would conclude each briefing with, "And hey! Let's be careful out there!" (although not as gently as Mike does here). Unfortunately, Conrad passed away and his character, along with his catch-phrase, were written out of the show.
  • "They've got the name of your favourite band on the side of the car, there." - That band would be Sheriff. The Toronto-based band only ever released one album, the self-titled Sheriff in 1983. The single from that album, "When I'm With You," reached #1 in Canada, but only peaked at #61 on the U.S.'s Billboard charts. However, when the song was re-released six years later, it went straight to #1. The band, however, was not into reuniting to take advantage of this.
  • "These two were in True West for many years." - Sam Shepard's 1980 darkly comic play True West concerned the often violent sibling rivarly between Austin, an ambitious screenwriter trying to land a big movie deal, and his brother Lee, a small-time criminal who threatens that deal.
  • "I shot the me-o, but I did not shoot the other guy." - "I shot the sheriff/But I did not shoot the deputy" is Bob Marley's plea in his 1973 single with the Wailers, "I Shot the Sheriff." The song was an even bigger hit for Eric Clapton in 1974.
  • "Is that Fish's wish typing, there?" "Bernice!" - The character of Detective Phil Fish (Abe Vigoda) first appeared on the first few seasons of the critically acclaimed police sit-com "Barney Miller" (1975-82). Fish was the old, cranky veteran whose body just didn't seem to work right anymore. His wife Bernice (Florence Stanley) showed up every once in a while. Fish and Bernice got their own short-lived spin-off series, "Fish" (1977-8), which showed Fish at home, where he and his wife raised five foster children.
  • "This movie packs the unflinching humour of a Dik Browne panel." - Cartoonist Dik Browne (1918-89) is best known for his work on two newspaper comic strips: "Hi & Lois" (created in 1954 and written by Mort Walker) and "Hagar the Horrible" (created in 1973 and written by Browne himself). They're good for a chuckle, but not exactly cutting-edge humour. Browne retired a year before his death and his sons Chance and Chris took over the "Hi" and "Hagar" chores respectively.
  • "I think they were going for a Touch of Evil feel, but they got a touch of something else." - The film-noir movie Touch of Evil (1958) starred and was written and directed by Hollywood wunderkind (look it up) Orson Welles. Welles, as the corrupt Capt. Hank Quinlan, co-stars with Charlton Heston as narcotics officer Mike Vargas and Janet Leigh as Vargas' wife, Susan. It's a complex plot with Quinlan trying to frame Vargas while Vargas struggles to expose Quinlan. Taking place on the U.S.-Mexico border, there is a lot of driving around in desolate areas. The shot seen here in particular looks much like the motel when Janet Leigh's character is terrorized by a bunch of hoodlums (what is it with Leigh and motels, anyway?).
  • "The president stops at the Westward Ho." - Mike probably isn't referring to a specific Westward Ho Motel but there are plenty around. For example, in Albuquerque, New Mexico, Cripple Creek, Colorado and Bend, Oregon.
  • "I'm sure you've heard of [????]." - Help! Can't make this out.
  • "Let me show you my Sam's Club membership." - Sam's Club, the United States' largest members-only warehouse club, is a division of retail juggernaut Wal-Mart. Created by Mr. Wal-Mart himself, Sam Walston, the first outlet opened in Oklahoma in 1983. Now several hundred of the stores litter the America landscape.
  • "Good thing my Zantigo salary affords me an endless supply of cars!" - Wow. This one's obscure. Zantigo's is a small (only about five locations) chain of Mexican fast-food restaurants in the Minnesota area. It seems that Billy's gotten himself a nice entry-level menial job. Jealous? No need to be! You, too, can apply for a job in the fast-paced world of Mexican food right here! From anywhere in the world!
  • "'Ford' stands for Fix Or Repair Daily." - Ford is, of course, on of the world's largest automobile manufacturers. It was founded in 1903 by industry pioneer Henry Ford for $28 000 in capital.
  • "I got it from the Franklin Mint." - The Franklin Mint is purveyor of uncountable numbers of collectibles like plates, jewellery and figurines. Some of it is quite nice. Some of it is the tackiest kitsch you've ever seen.
  • "I was in a monkey suit, and suddenly I was in this movie." - Our first Roddy McDowall joke. McDowall's most famous film appearances are probably those in the "Planet of the Apes" films, in which, heavily made-up (but somehow still recognisable), he played a number of intelligent chimpanzees. These included Cornelius in Planet of the Apes (1968), Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970) and Escape from the Planet of the Apes (1971), Caesar in Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972) and Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973) and Galen in the short-live "Planet of the Apes" TV series (1974).
  • "Dear God, Mrs. Miniver was a long, long time ago..." - Yes, it was. Mrs. Miniver came out in 1942 and showed us the lives of the Minivers (with Greer Garson as the titular Kay Miniver), an English middle-class family, during World War II. It was remade as a TV film in 1960 starring Maureen O'Hara. Unfortunately, I think the fellas have slipped up a little, as McDowall wasn't in either version.
  • "Certainly, Bright Eyes." - Another Planet of the Apes reference. In that film, chimpanzee scientist Zira (Kim Hunter) calls time-lost astronaut George Taylor (Charlton Heston) "Bright Eyes," because of his bright blue eyes and the intelligence she is certain she detects there.
  • "Operation!" "Remove wrenched ankle." - The classic board-game Operation! is produced by Milton Bradley Games (currently a division of Hasbro Toys). The board is a "patient" named Cavity Sam lying on an operating table. Using tweezers, players try to remove certain unhealthy (and humourously shaped) body parts from the electric playing surface without setting off a buzzer, including a broken heart, a charlie horse and, yes, a wrenched ankle (which looks like a wrench, you see? See?!). Crow is doing an impression of one of the children from Operation!'s old TV ads.
  • "It appears to be growing into a Wizard of Oz commemorative plate." - There was a series of commemorative plates released (by the Hamilton Collection, not the Franklin Mint) based on the classic 1939 fantasy film The Wizard of Oz, about a young girl, Dorothy (Judy Garland), who travels to a magical land called Oz.
  • "How Green Was My Valley was a long time ago..." - Okay, Roddy McDowall was in How Green Was My Valley (1941), based on Richard Llewlyn's 1939 novel of the same name. It's a rather romanticised look at pre-union coal-miners in Wales. Only about 12 or 13 at the time, McDowall played Huw Morgan, one of the sons in a family of coal-miners. The film was remade as a 1975 television mini-series.
  • "It's a Saint Paul Winter Carnival medallion." - Once upon a time, a New York reporter called Saint Paul, Minnesota, "another Siberia, unfit for human habitation." In retaliation, in 1886, the Saint Paul Chamber of Commerce organised the first Saint Paul Winter Carnival. Held early January and late February, the annual event continues to this day and has become an international hit, with the usual winter activies taking place throughout the area, including the building of some surprisingly impressive ice castles. One tradition is the Saint Paul Pioneer Press Treasure Hunt. The Pioneer Press newspaper publishes a series of clues regarding the whereabouts of a medallion, buried somewhere in the Saint Paul snow. Finding the coveted medallion originally scored you a prize of $1000, but is now worth $10 000!
  • "I've got see if Beyond the Valley of the Planet of the Apes is a go." - Playing on the format of the titles in the "Planet of the Apes" series of films, the guys make reference to the 1976 schlock classic Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. This universally panned pastiche/sequel of The Valley of the Dolls (1967) followed the misadventures of an all-girl band who travel to Hollywood to make it big. The film was the brainchild of film critic Roger "You should talk!" Ebert and director Russ Meyer (known for his films featuring scads of scantily-clad, large-breasted women).
  • "...it would be after midnight." "I will be letting it all hang down." - "After midnight, we're gonna let it all hang down." The song "After Midnight" was first a hit for blues-rock singer and composer J.J. Cale in 1965 and became a much bigger hit for Eric Clapton when he covered the tune in 1970.
  • "Wait, I'm a Lenscrafter technician!" - The lab coat worn by the fella here looks like that of Lenscrafters technician. Founded in 1983, Lenscrafters outlets appear in malls throughout North America, combining eye doctors and glasses makers in the same location, allowing them to make you eyewear "in about an hour."
  • "It's George Jones as a Wal-Mart greeter."
    • From the back, Billy looks like singer George Jones (1931- ). Considered one of country music's best vocalists, Jones started off with a honky-tonk style of singing, but evolved to a more mellow ballad performance. His hits include "What am I Worth" and "Just One More" (both 1956), "Tender Years" (1961), "Aching, Breaking Heart" (1962), "We Must Have Been Out of Our Minds" (1963) and "A Few Ole Country Boys" (1990; with Randy Travis). His autobiography, chronicling his career and struggle with drugs and alcohol, I Lived to Tell It All, was published in 1996).
    • Part of possibly the biggest company in the world, the Wal-Mart chain of retail stores were founded by Sam Walton in 1962 Arkansas. Attempting to give shoppers a "hey-we're-not-really-a-huge-megacorp-only-interested-in-your-cash" feel, every Wal-Mart features a "greeter," someone standing near the store's entrance and, well, greeting customers and helping them with directions if necessary. These greeters wear jackets in the standard Wal-Mart blue, the same colour Billy wears in this scene.
  • "All righty then!" - It seems that Billy's extravagant arm motion reminds Mike of the physical shenanigans of comic actor Jim Carrey. "Aaaalllll righty then!" is a line performed by Carey in his 1994, ahem, "comedy," Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.
  • "Roddy McDowall is Silkwood." - The 1993 film Silkwood starred Meryl Streep as Karen Silkwood, a real-life nuclear plant worker who blew the whistle on unsafe practices. She died in a car-crash under what some believe were mysterious circumstances.
  • "I believe this is 'Mannix,' if I'm not mistaken." - Mike Connors starred as tough-guy private eye Joe Mannix on the popular series "Mannix" (1967-75). It was a very action-packed, violent show, with a high quotient of shooting, fights, and car chases and crashes.
  • "He could play Gertrude Stein so easy." - American writer Gertrude Stein (1874-1946) may not have been an attractive woman, but her sharp wit and writings were popular and well respected. She spent the bulk of her life in Paris, France, having moved there in 1903. The home she shared with her life partner, Alice B. Toklas, became a famous salon and meeting place for the many artists and writers living in and around Paris at the time, including Pable Picasso, Ernest Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald and Ezra Pound. (In fact, she coined the term "lost generation" to describe the many talented American expatriates living in France.) Her books include Three Lives (1909), Tender Button (1914), The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas (1933; really her own autobiography) and Brewsie and Willie (1946).
  • "Michael Caine's puffy sister." - There's a bit of a resemblance here to super-prolific British actor Michael Caine (1933; born Maurice Joseph Micklewhite). Caine has appeared in over 100 hundred films, including Zulu (1964), The Ipcress File (1965), Alfie (1966), The Italian Job (1969), The Man Who Would Be King (1975), Hannah and Her Sisters (1986), The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992) and Miss Congeniality (2000). While Caine himself is an excellent actor, he seems willing to appear in almost any script given to him, leading to some more questionable films appearances, like Beyond the Poseidon Adventure (1979), The Hand (1981) and Jaws: The Revenge (1987).
  • "Should I close off the island, Steve?" - This might be a reference to the 1975 film Jaws, in which a great white shark terrorizes the island resort town of Amity. Town police chief Martin Brody (Roy Scheider) keeps insisting to the sceptical town council that they must "close the beaches!"
  • "What about the rights of that little girl?" - For a moment, the copy machine guy or whoever he is, sounds a little like movie tough-guy Clint Eastwood, so here is featured an Eastwood quote from his 1971 film Dirty Harry. Eastwood plays "Dirty" Harry Callahan, a San Francisco policeman who's not afraid to break the rules (but he gets the job done). At one point during his investigation in the murder of young girl Ann Mary Deacon (Debralee Scott), Callahan is berated for violating the rights of the killer (Andrew Robinson) though an illegal search of the killer's home. Callahan responds, "Ann Mary Deacon... what about her rights?"
  • "They've got that antenna to get some Elvin Bishop and Marshall Tucker music."
    • Although Elvin Bishop (1942- ) grew up in all-white, distinctly non-bluesey communities, he managed to become an accomplished blues/rock guitarist after discovering the Chigaco blues scene during his years at university. He co-founded the Butterfield Blues Band (with Paul Betterfield), played with performers like Eric Clapton, B.B. King and Jimi Hendrix, and released several solo albums, beginning with 1969's The Elvin Bishop Group.
    • Formed in 1971, the Marshall Tucker Band did not feature anyone actually named Marshall Tucker but they did become one of the 1970s major Southern rock bands. Their biggest hit came in 1977 with "Heard It In a Love Song," off their album Carolina Dreams.
  • "He'd make a pretty Sharon Gless." - Actress Sharon Gless (1943- ) appeared in both film (like 1974's Airport '75) and television (like several years on "Marcus Welby, M.D." (1969-76)) before becoming best known as police detective Christine Cagney on the TV drama "Cagney & Lacey" (1982-8).
  • "Alan Fawcett!" - Actor Alan Fawcett probably hasn't been in anything you've ever seen. Lord knows I'd never heard of him (although Billy does look a little like him). Movie appearances include Spring Fever (1982), Morning Man (1986), Coyote Run (1996) and Barney's Great Adventure (1998) (poor guy). I think he must be one or ours, by which I mean, Canadian; he's had guest appearances on a number of Canadian series, like "Seeing Things" (1981-7) and "E.N.G." (1989-94) and a regular part on "Big Wolf on Campus" (1999-2002).
  • "Do you mind showing us?" "It's a Calvin Klein ad." - One 1990s TV ad campaign from jeans manufacturer Calvin Klein bordered on the seriously creepy. It featured half-dressed (including the jeans) teenagers in a shabby looking basement being interviewed by some guy off-screen who asked the kids things like how much they like their jeans and what they liked to do. One time, he asked, "You like to dance?" When the young boy said yes, the creepy voice asked, "Do you mind showing us?" The kid shambled uncomfortably. The ad campaign screamed child pornography. I swear, the first time I ever saw one of these things, I thought it was going to be a PSA about getting pedophiles off the streets. Seriously ill-conceived.
  • "Well, goodbye Mrs. Joe Don Baker." - A female Joe Don Baker (1936- ) doesn't bear thinking about. The actor is best known as the titular slob of a cop in the 1975 movie Mitchell (experiment #512) and slob of a deputy Geronimo in Final Justice (1984; experiment #1008). After a few minor film appearances, Joe Don came to prominence playing real-life bat-wielding Tennessee sheriff Buford Pusser in 1973's Walking Tall. After this, he tended to get typecast as the "Bubba"-type character, especially after he started getting pudgy. He had his own short-lived crime drama, "Eischied" (1979-80; a follow-up to the 1978 TV movie To Kill a Cop) as title character Detective Earl Eischied (the type of cop who bucked authority but "got the job done!"). He has since appeared in quite a few films including a handful of James Bond films, Fletch (1985), Congo (1995) and Mars Attacks! (1996). He even subbed for an ill Carroll O'Connor for a few months on "In the Heat of the Night" (1988-94).
  • "Tonight on 'Cops.'" - The long-running Fox peep-fest "Cops" (1989- ) follows real-life police officers on duty and records their experiences as they deal with and arrest some of the strangest people in America.
  • "David Bowie!" - Billy sort of looks like singer David Bowie (1947- ) during his make-up heavy glam-rock days of the 1970s. A music giant, Bowie's accomplishments are too many to adequately cover here, but some of his major hit songs include "Space Oddity" (1969), "Rebel Rebel" (1974) and "Modern Love" (1983). He has also appeared in such films as The Man Who Fell to Earth (1976), Labyrinth (1986) and The Last Temptation of Christ (1988).
  • "I'd like to teach the world to get ready for some football!" - In 1971, song-writers Bill Backer, Billy David and Roger Cook wrote a jingle for the Coca-Cola company. The jingle included the words "I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony/I'd like to buy the world a Coke and keep it company." Although the tune wasn't successful as a radio spot, it became a huge hit when it was filmed for television. The new ad featured a group of young people singing the song on a hillside while holding Cokes. The song was such a hit that it was recorded with all the Coke references removed and it was released as a straight single by a group called the New Seekers.
  • "This is like Porky's without the charm." - The 1982 comedy Porky's followed the adventures of a bunch of randy teenage boys as they peeped at the girls' shower and tried to sneak into the titular striptease bar. The bar was owned by a guy named Porky Wallace (Chuck Mitchell) and defended by his redneck brother of a sheriff (Alex Karras) (which would be why it's mentioned here). It was, in fact, not a charming film. It was lacking in charm. Charmless. Charm-free. Sans charm. Despite this, it was followed by two sequels, Porky's II: The Next Day (1983) and Porky's Revenge (1985).
  • "Somebody stop me!" - Another Jim Carrey joke. This time, Billy looks very much like Carrey did during The Mask (1994), when he played Stanley Ipkiss, a hapless fellow who turned into a living cartoon when he wore an ancient mask. While in the guise of the Mask, Ipkiss' head was green and bumpy. The line "Somebody stop me!" was spoken by the Mask.
  • "If I built a fortress around your heart..." - For a second here, Billy looks like singer/songwriter Sting (formerly of the Police). "Fortress Around Your Heart" was a hit for Sting from his first solo album The Dream of the Blue Turtles (1985).
  • "I agree with Abby; people should just cuddle." - Abigail Van Buren (1918- ; born Pauline Ester Phillips Freidman) uses the pen-name of "Dear Abby" in her daily newspaper advice column of the same name, launced in 1956. (Her twin sister Ann Landers also has an advice column). I'm sure at some point, Abby must have encouraged couples to "cuddle" rather than have sex before getting married.
  • "Robert Ginty was a better kisser!" - Actor Robert Ginty (1948- ) has had a more or less steady career, appearing in such television series as "Baa Baa Black Sheep" (or "Black Sheep Squadron"; 1976-8), "The Paper Chase" (1978-86) and "Falcon Crest" (1981-90) and films like Exterminator 2 (1984), Maniac Killer (1987) and Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man (1991). He directs more nowadays, having done episodes for shows like "China Beach" (1988-91), "Xena: Warrior Princess" (1995-2001) and "Charmed" (1998- ). He's mentioned here because of his appearance in the 1983 post-apocalytic film Warrior of the Lost World, shown as experiment #501, in which Ginty played the Warrior. There's a really graphic, tonguey kiss between him and Pesis Khambatta as Nastasia.
  • "If you could taste what I hear..." - Should be If You Could See What I Hear, a 1982 "inspirational story" film starring Marc Singer as real-life blind entertainer Tom Sullivan. (The physical similarity between Singer and Sullivan is spooky.)
  • "It's a hand grenade necklace." "From the Sarah Conventry collection." - The Sarah Conventry company has been producing high-quality jewelry since 1949. Their products often appear as prizes on game-shows and crowns on Miss America winners.

Host segment 4 - Mike Nelson is Kathryn Janeway

  • "Oh bitter irony! I just read an article by Stephen Hawking!" - Theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking (1942- ) is quite possibly the smartest human being who ever lived and certainly the world's leading authority on black holes. His books (including A Brief History of Time (1988), Black Holes and Baby Universes (1993) and The Universe in a Nutshell (2002)) are considered the definitive lay-person guides to black holes, singularities and the origins of the universe. Hawking suffers from amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, almost completely paralysing him; he is only able to communicate by computer.
  • Mike has lost it and seems to think he is Kathryn Janeway (Kate Mulgrew), Captain of the Federation starship U.S.S. Voyager, from the fourth series taking place in the "Star Trek" universe, "Star Trek: Voyager" (1995-2001). He's doing a surprisingly good job of it. Janeway could be a bit of a hard-ass, harshly barking out orders when in a stressful situation and not taking any crap from anyone. She did often call crewmembers "Mister," although that's fairly common throughout the Trek-verse. And the "conn" is short for "flight controller," basically the area you steer a starship from.
  • Now, "Janeway"'s orders are full of what has come to be called "technobabble." Because most of the technology and science in the Trek-verse doesn't exist, the writers often need to make up terminology. The most popular method of naming equipment, subatomic particles, strange space phenomena or whatever is to slap the name of a famous scientist or science fiction writer in front of your noun. Techonobabble, for some reason, did seem to pervade "Voyager" more than the other "Star Trek" series.
    • Penrose tubes - Named for English mathemetician Sir Roger Penrose (1931- ). Penrose, alongside Stephen Hawking (see above), studied black hole and big bang theory, as well as popularizing recreational math (yes, math for fun - it does exist). Penrose books include The Emperor's New Mind (1989) and Shadows of the Mind (1994).
    • Einsteinium - Einsteinium (Es) is a real element, number 99 on the periodic table. Named after famed physicist Albert Einstein (you know him), it was first found discovered in 1952 in the debris of the first thermonuclear explosion.
    • Hawking convertors - Named, of course, for Stephen Hawking (see above). By the way, Hawking is a huge "Star Trek" fan and appeared, as a holographic projection of himself in "Descent, Part I," an episode of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" (1987-1994).
    • the Oppenheimer effect - Physicist and government advisor J. Robert Oppenheimer (1904-67) helped directed the Manhanttan Project, the U.S.'s World War II development of the first atomic bomb in Los Alamos, New Mexico. Oppenheimer's contributions to theoretical physics include work on quantum theory, neutron stars and the theory of relativity. He was also for a time the chairman for the Atomic Energy Commission.
    • the Asimov space curtain - Isaac Asimov (1920-92) is probably one of the world's most famous science and science fiction writers. Born in Russia, his family moved to the United States when he was three. He may have started writing immediately after birth; it would certainly explain the sheer bulk of his writing. Asimov wrote over 400 books and won 4 Hugos and a Nebula award. His first published story was 1939's "Marooned Off Vesta." Notable SF books included the Foundation trilogy (1951, 1952, 1953), The Gods Themselves (1972) and his Robot books, in which he created the three Laws of Robotics that almost everyone who wrote about robots afterwards used. Asimov was also skilled a writing science book for the lay-person, using less jargon (or often explaining it coherently). Notable books of this type include the How Did We Find About... series, Understanding Physics (1966) and Frontiers of Science (1983). For a complete lists of Asimov's works, check this out.
  • The "Engage" Mike gives at the end of his orders is a common command in "Trek," having started with Captain Jean-Luc Picard (Patrick Stewart) on "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
  • "I'm responsible for the lives of 148 crewmembers aboard this ship, 144 of which we never see!" - Captains in the Star Trek universe are very fond of pointing out the number of people whose lives they're responsible for (this goes all the way back to Captain Kirk (William Shatner) in the original series (1966-9)). And, yes, most of the time, you don't see anyone beside the usual stars of the shows. But, then, they're the stars aren't they? And, for the record, Janeway's Voyager could hold a crew compliment of 200. So I'm a Trek geek. Wanna make something of it?
  • Mike totally looses it and begins to sing "Proud Mary," a song quite well suited to Janeway, really. It was originally recorded by Creedence Clearwater Revival on their 1961 album Bayou Country, and gained renewed popularity a couple of years later when Ike and Tina Turner did a cover version on their 1971 album Workin' Together. The Turner version is clearly the one being performed by Mike, with Mike as Tina and Tom chanting "Rollin'" in the background like Ike does.

Movie Act 4

  • "It's Kris Kringle in retirement." - Kris Kringle is one of the many names for Santa Claus. Or St. Nicholas. Or whatever. This particular name comes from the German phrase Christ Kindl (meaning Christ-child). The name gained popularity in the English-speaking world when author Valentine Davis used it for his main character in his 1947 novel Miracle on 34th Street.
  • "That Old Smuggler will sneak up on you." - Old Smuggler is a brand of Scotch whiskey.
  • "Hobson's choice." "You know, with Meryl Streep and Kevin Kline and all." - We're getting "Hobson's choice" confused with the 1982 motion picture Sophie's Choice (based on William Styon's 1976 novel of the same name). The film explored the relationship between Sophie (played by Meryl Streep), a Nazi concentration camp survivor, and Nathan (Kevin Kline), an American Jew obsessed with the Holocaust. (Hobson's choice, on the other hand, refers to a choice that isn't really a choice at all. It is named for 16th/17th century English stable keeper Thomas Hobson, who always insisted that customers take either the horse nearest the stable door, or no horse at all.)
  • "Scenes cut from Road House." - 1989's Road House is one of the greatest cheezy movies ever. It stars Patrick Swayze as Dalton, proud owner of a Ph.D. in philosophy from New York University who gives up his professorship to become... the world's greatest bar bouncer. He spouts Zen philosophy while beating the snot out of people. In a plot straight out of a western, Dalton must save a town from an evil land-owner (Ben Gazzara) exploiting the townspeople. Bar brawls and explosions abound. If you haven't seen this schlock masterpiece, it's difficult to convey the sheer badness of it all.
  • When the almost military-style drum kicks in on the film's score, the guys start singing the "Hogan's Heroes March," which features a similar drum line. The March, composed by Jerry Fielding, was the theme to the World War II resistance sit-com "Hogan's Heroes" (1965-71). The theme does have lyrics, but they were never used in the series. Kind of like the themes to "Star Trek" (1966-9) and "Bonanza" (1959-73).
  • "Filmed with Husbands and Wives-cam." - Woody Allen's 1992 motion picture Husbands and Wives examined the lives of two couples, one splitting and one on the verge of splitting. It was filmed in a documentary style, with a jerky camera.
  • "[Can't make out the beginning of this line; help!]...The Destruction of Jared-Syn Through the Portal of Time." - Two cheezy films, both featuring barren landscapes.
    • Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983) was originally shot and shown in 3-D (there was a brief period during the 1980s when 3-D became hip again). The space shoot-'em-up features Jeffrey Byron, as Dogen, seeking revenge on Jared-Syn (Michael Pryton) for killing his father.
    • 1991's Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time, a follow up to the original 1982 Beastmaster, starred Marc Singer as Dar, a man who can communicate with animals. In this installment of the franchise, Dar must travel to contemporary Earth to save his world.
  • "The south's gonna do it again!" - Tom starts singing (and arguing with Mike about) the Charlie Daniels Band (see above) song "The South's Gonna Do It Again" from their 1975 album Fire on the Mountain. The song is rather vague about what the South will do again, mostly going on about other country or Souther rock performers, like ZZ Top or Willie Nelson.
  • "They are just like Williams and Ree!" - Bruce Williams and Terry Ree make up the country-flavoured comedy duo of Williams and Ree (sometimes called "The White Guy and the Indian"). They became prominent after appearing a lot on the Nashville Network and their style of comedy is very non-PC.
  • "I'm Cherokee Jack." - The character of pilot Cherokee Jack (George Prince) appeared in the Coleman Francis (see above) film Red Zone Cuba (see below).
  • "This was go great when it was at the OMNI theatre." - IMAX technology allows specially formatted films to be projected onto massive, multi-storied screens without distortion or degradation. Nature subjects and landscapes are popular subjects for these films. The technique was revealed to the public at the 1970 world EXPO in Osaka, Japan; the first IMAX Dome theatre (called an OMNIMAX or just OMNI) opened in San Diego in 1973.
  • "Tonight on a very special 'Simon & Simon.'" - "Simon & Simon" (1981-8) starred Gerald McRaney and Jameson Parker as private detectives and brothers Rick and A.J. Simon. There's a slight resemblance to the two guys in the helicopter.
  • "One tin soldier rides away..." - "One Tin Soldier" was a hit for an obscure 1960s/70s acid-rock band called Coven. It was used in the 1971 movie Billy Jack and presumably sounds like the score here.
  • "Ron Howard decides to take out brother Clint." - We've covered Ron Howard already (see above). His brother Clint (1959- ) is an accomplished actor, although not in leading roles. Clint is a little funny-looking and tends to get bit parts; but he gets a lot of bit parts. In reality, Ron seems to like Clint, giving him parts in many of the films he's directed, including Splash (1984), Cocoon (1985), Backdraft (1991) and Apollo 13 (1995). Non-Ron productions Clint has appeared in include the Austin Powers films, Carnosaur (1993), "From the Earth to the Moon" (1998 TV mini-series) and Little Nicky (2000).
  • "Well, Reno gave us the go-ahead, let's do it!" - Refers to Janet Reno (1938- ), attorney general of the United States during President Bill Clinton's time in office. Shortly after her appointment to the office in 1993, one of the first crises she had to deal with was the situation in Waco, Texas, involved cult leader David Koresh and his heavily-armed followers. After holding off federal agents for months, Reno authorized the FBI to confront the Davidians. Unfortunately, a fire broke out during the conflict and 86 cult members died. Although the cause of the fire was unknown, Reno took full responsibility. In 1999, further investigation revealed that the FBI may have ignored Reno's order that no pyrotechnic substances be used in the raid and started the fire.
  • "Looked like Stewart Copeland for a moment." - Boy, Billy looks like a lot of other people, doesn't he? This time, he resembles musician Stewart Copeland (1952- ), former drummer for the Police. As well as his work with the Police, Copeland has released several solo albums and composed scores for many films (including Rumble Fish (1983) (for which he was nominated for a Golden Globe award), Wall Street (1987), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991)), video games (including the "Spyro the Dragon" series) and television series (including "Dead Like Me" (2003- )).
  • "Eegah!" - Billy is flailing about in the desert, much like the title character of the 1962 movie Eegah, shown for experiment #506. Eegah (Richard Kiel) was a big, lumbering cave-man who most often spoke the word "Eegah."
  • "Red Zone Cuba 3: The Destruction of Cherokee Jack." - The 1966 Francis Coleman (see above) epic Red Zone Cuba was suffered by Mike and the 'Bots during experiment #619. Originally titled Night Train to Mundo Fine, it concerns, it follows a trio of convicts trying to assult a Cuban stronghold. Instead, they get captured, escape and wander from town to town looting and killing. To date, it's the only Coleman film I haven't seen, but I assume it's more of the same poorly-lit, poorly-directed, poorly-everything garbage involving planes and the gunning down of innocents.
  • "J.D. Power and Associates ranks these guys the most loathsome in their class." - Founded in 1968 by J.D. Power III, J.D. Power and Associates is a marketing information company. They advise companies on how to improve the quality of their products and services. They also have a series of award that they give out to what they feel are the best of those products. You may have heard them mentioned on American car ads.
  • "Is this one of those movies based on a Jane Austen novel?" - Um, no, because then it wouldn't suck as badly. Jane Austen (1775-1817) is considered one of the most important novelists of the 19th century. Her novels tended to be light-hearted examinations of middle-class life. Those novels have been dramatized many times in film, going back as far as 1940, with an adaptation of her 1813 story Pride and Prejudice. Around the time of this episode, there were several Austen-based films released, including Emma (1996; based on her 1815 novel), a TV mini-series of Pride and Prejudice, Persuasion (1995; from her novel published a year after her death) and Emma Thompson's excellent 1995 adaptation of Austen's Sense and Sensibility (1811).
  • "Something touched me deep inside the day Eddie Deezen died." - The line is "Something touched me deep inside the day the music died" from Don McLean's 1971 song "American Pie," his heartfelt mourning of the 1959 passing of rockers Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and J.P. "Big Bopper" Richardson in an airplane accident. The song has been covered over the years by acts such as the Brady Bunch in 1972 (yes, the Brady Bunch released an album), Madonna in 2000 and parody-style by Weird Al Yankovic in 1999 as The Saga Begins, in which Al uses the tune to sum up the entire plot of Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999) in under six minutes.
  • "Cheryl Ladd in A Soldier's Story."
    • Blonde actress Cheryl Ladd (1951- ; born Cheryl Jean Stopplemoor) will always be best remembered as one of "Charlie's Angels" (1976-81), joining the show in its second year. Other roles include the films Millennium (1989) and Poison Ivy (1992), more TV movies that you can shake an especially large stick at, and a little cartoon voice work, including "Josie and the Pussycats" (1970-2) as Melody's singing voice. However, she did not appear in...
    • A Soldier's Story (1984). Based on the 1981 Pulitzer Prize-winning play A Soldier's Play, this intense drama has a Captain Davenport (Howard E. Rollins Jr.) investigating the murder of Sgt. Vernon Waters (Adolph Caesar), an African-American soldier killed in the racially charged American South towards the end of the second World War. Davenport quickly discovers that Waters had no shortage of enemies, both white and black.
  • "Goin' home!" - I don't know if Tom's singing a particular song here or if he's just just goofing around. If anyone recognizes this as a real song, feel free to help!
  • "It's a Miss Hathaway alien." - For a moment, the alien sounds a little like the officious Miss Hathaway, a character on "The Beverly Hillbillies" (1962-71) played by actress Nancy Kulp. Secretary to bank president Mr. Drysdale (Raymond Bailey), Miss Hathaway was generally very proper, up-tight and a little snooty. However, she always got all goofy around Jethro Bodine (Max Bear Jr.), whom she had a major crush on. She was played by Lily Tomlin in the 1993 movie based on the show.
  • "We're going to Iowa city to see the Dead!" - Psychedelic rock band the Grateful Dead formed under that name in 1965 and released their first (self-titled) album in 1967. Although steadily popular, the Dead (as they are often called) didn't have a top 10 hit until 1987 with "Touch of Grey." They were largely a live band, with a very faithful following. dubbed Deadheads, with practically a culture of their own. This culture does seem to include a lot of drug-taking, so it wouldn't be surprising if the guy in the van was a Dead fan. The group esentially disbanded after the death of fron man Jerry Garcia in 1995, but their fans remain as devoted as ever.
  • "We saw Anthrax last night; we got hammered and puked." - This is a perfectly understandable reaction to seeing Anthrax. Formed in 1981 (with their debut album Fistful of Metal coming in 1984), Anthrax is partly responsible for the development of speed and thrash metal. Gee, thanks guys.
  • "And then I discovered Poco!" - The country-rock band Poco was formed in 1968 by several members of the recently disbanded Buffalo Springfield. Top 40 hits include "Crazy Love," and "Heart of the Night," both from their 1979 album, Legend. They broke up in 1984 and re-formed in 1989.
  • "He's like a lucid Dennis Hopper." - Actor Dennis Hopper (1936- ) often plays complete whack-jobs in motion pictures. His first credited film appearance was in the 1955 Jimmy Dean classic Rebel Without a Cause, but Hopper really came to the world's attention when he starred in the 1969 biker film Easy Rider. Other notable films include Apocalypse Now (1979), Blue Velvet (1986), Speed (1994) and Waterworld (1995). Hopper was a heavy drug-user back in the day and once claimed on a talk show to have a decade-long gap in his memory from the substance abuse.
  • "This guy breasts the tape in front of Steve Alaimo for loathsomeness." - Singer/songwriter Steve Alaimo's (1940- ) biggest hit was 1963's super sappy balled "Everyday I Have to Cry Some." He later moved onto record producing, becoming responsible for acts such as KC and the Sunshine Band. He also did a little acting and is probably best known to MST3K fans as the star of episode 207's film, Wild Rebels (1967).
  • "You are wrong, Marijuana-Breath!" - Talk show host Johnny Carson of "The Tonight Show" (1954- ) fame would often say the phrase "You are wrong" to co-host Ed McMahon, often in a funny voice and usually as part of sort schtick they were doing. Carson always ended this phrase by poking fun at McMahon's size ("You are wrong, O Hefty One!") or his drinking ("You are wrong, Martini-Breath!").
  • "My Mailbox of Values!" - Mailbox of Values is apparently an envelope full of coupons mailed out across the United States.
  • "Leave the Bronx! You are ordered to leave the Bronx!" - Line from the 1984 post-apocalyptic Italian film Escape 2000, featured in experiment #705. The line is shouted over bullhorns and public address systems for a chunk of the film, while characters wander around a ruined city which resembles the set-up here.
  • "Mark Hamill in Falling Down."
    • Actor Mark Hamill (1951- ) is best known for portraying Jedi Knight in training Luke Skywalker in the first three films in George Lucas' epic space opera Star Wars (Star Wars (1977), The Empire Strikes Back (1980) and Return of the Jedi (1983)). Unfortunately, since then, most of his film work has mostly consisted of really cheezey, sub-standard SF dreck, like The Guyver (1991) and Time Runner (1993). On the other hand, Hamill has developed a successful voice-over career, doing voices for such cartoons as "Batman: The Animated Series" (1992-5), "Spider-Man" (1994-8), "Cow and Chicken" (1997-2001) and "Time Squad" (2001- ). In a bit of a coincidence, Hamill also appeared in the 1978 movie Corvette Summer, which also featured Kim Milford, who plays Billy, who blew up a billboard promoting Star Wars, which starred Mark Hamill...
    • However, Hamill did not appear in the 1993 film Falling Down. That film starred Michael Douglas as William Foster, a divorced engineer trying to attend his daughter's birthday party and completely loses it while stuck in traffic. He works his way toward his daughter's home, lashing out violently at everyone who irritates.
  • "Ecuadorian bat-boy found alive in cave." - Billy's pointy teeth makes him look a little like the infamous Batboy which has become a symbol of the Weekly World News tabloid paper. The Batboy was supposedly first discovered in a cave in West Virginia and subsequent reports on the creature in the WWN have become more and more ludicrous, with the Batboy repeatedly escaping and being captured, revealing that he supported Al Gore during the 2000 U.S. Presidential election and helping American troops both in combat in Afghanistan and in tracking down Saddam Hussein to his hiding place somewhere in Iraq.
  • "Tai chi in the morning is so great." - Tai chi is a Chinese exercise program which has gained much popularity over the last several years. It consists of a series of positions which are strung together into one continuous movement called a "form." A form can include up to 100 movements and take up to 20 minutes to perform.
  • "Neil Diamond, hot August nights!" - Easy listening Neil Diamond (1941- ) has had many hits over the years, including Cherry, Cherry (1966), Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon (1967), Sweet Caroline (1969) and Hello Again (1980). Hot August Night was Diamond's 1972 live album; the cover featured the artist standing in a spotlight, sort of like Billy here (although Billy's pose is more like that of Diamond on the cover of his album The Jazz Singer (1980)).
  • "What would you do if I sang out of tune?" - Billy is staggering around like gravelly-voiced singer Joe Cocker does when he performs, so Tom sings a little of Cocker's 1968 version of "A Little Help From My Friends" (originally a hit for the Beatles).
  • "Killed by vapour action." - The beam of alien light looks like an effect used in commercials for Halls cough drops. Halls claims that their cough drops work because of "advanced vapor action," dramatized in TV ads by a big wobbly animation over a cough sufferer.
  • "Wow, she makes Laraine Newman look Rubenesque."
    • Comedienne Laraine Newman (1952- ) was originally a student of mime artist Marcel Marceau before turning to comedy. She got her start with a small Los Angeles comedy troupe called the Groundlings before becoming one of the original Not Ready For Prime Time Players on "Saturday Night Live" (1975- ). She left the show in 1980 and has since done many movies and some voice work. Newman is a skinny little thing, stick-thin. She certainly doesn't qualify as Rubenesque.
    • The term "Rubenesque" comes from the name of 17th century painter Peter Paul Rubens. His paintings often contained nude women who were on the plump or voluptuous side; "Rubenesque" came to describe real women built like that.
  • "Fashions from Sears." - Sears is one of North America's largest department store chains. Founded in 1886 by Richard Sears as the R.W. Sears Watch Company, it became a mail-order company in 1889. Sears became very famous for its catalogue, a fame which lasts to this day. The government agent or whatever he is looks like he could be right out of a 1970s Sears catalogue, the way he's posing.
  • "We'll play REO Speedwagon at your funeral, Billy." - Okay, one last 1970s music reference. REO Speedwagon was formed in 1968 and became one of the '70s and '80s most popular arena bands. Their first (self-titled) album was released in 1971, but Speedwagon didn't have a real hit until their 1974 song "Ridin' the Storm Out." They were best known for their power ballad like "Keep On Loving You" (1980) and "Can't Fight This Feeling" (1984). They dropped out of sight during the 1990s but gained new-found popularity at the turn of the 21st century, touring with former rival arena band, Styx and Journey.
  • Okay, now the guys start looking through Leonard Maltin's movie guide (see above). Here's a little about each film and any film-makers specifically mentioned.
    • My Favorite Year (1982): In this comedy, Mark Linn-Baker stars as Benjy Stone, a writer on a 1950s variety program who must babysit his childhood hero, drunken Errol Flynn-type actor Alan Swann (Peter O'Toole). Shenanigans ensue.
    • Hannah and Her Sisters (1986): Oscar award-winning Woody Allen film. Follows the lives of several couples and the shenanigans that ensue as affairs begin to take place.
    • My Dinner With Andre (1981): Actors Wallace Shawn and Andre Gregory (basically playing themselves) have dinner in a restaurant and talk about life. That's about it. Not much with the shenanigans.
    • The Name of the Rose (1986): Based on the 1980 Umberto Eco of the same name. Stars Sean Connery as William of Baskerville, an unconventional monk who investages a mysterious death at a Benedictine abbey in 1327 Italy..
    • Being There (1979): Peter Sellers stars as Chance the gardener, a simple man who is left on his own when his employer dies. Chance, who knows only what he has seen on television, is mistaken for a genius and begins to unwittingly travel in and affect political circles. Maltin's book eventually increased this Oscar-winning film's rating from 2 to 2½.
    • Lucas Tanner (1974): TV movie starring David Hartman as the titular character, a former baseball player and sports writer who took a job teaching high school after the death of his wife. It spun off into a short-lived series (1974-5), still starring Hartman. It's odd that Mike mentions this film; it's not listed in Maltin's guide.
      • Mike feels it worth mentioning that Tanner was directed by acclaimed director Richard Donner (1930- ; born Richard Schwartzberg). Donner initially directed a lot of television episodes for shows like "The Twilight Zone" (1959-65), "The Man from U.N.C.L.E." (1964-8), "Get Smart" (1965-70), "The Six Million Dollar Man" (1974-8) and (I kid you not) "The Banana Splits Adventure Hour" (1968-70). Tanner seems to have bridged the gap between Donner's TV work and his film work; he went on to directed such notable films as The Omen (1976), Superman (1978), Ladyhawke (1985), Scrooged (1988) and the Lethal Weapon series (1987, 1989, 1992, 1998).
    • Birdman of Alcatraz (1962): Based on a true story, this films stars Burt Lancaster as Robert Stroud, a convicted killer held in permanent isolation in the famous San Francisco Bay prison of Alcatraz. He finds a measure of redemption when he becomes a renowned expert of the birds that are his only companions.
    • Full Metal Jacket (1987): Stanley Kubrick directed this acclaimed Vietnam War movie. The harsh, realistic film follows a group of soldiers through basic training and their exploits in Vietnam. Gritty shenanigans ensue.
    • Shichinin no samurai (1954): Better known in the English-speaking world as The Seven Samurai, Mike joking says this film gets 2 stars when in fact it gets the full 4, which it very much deserves. Directed by Japanese director Akira Kurosawa (and considered by many to be his best work), Samurai tells of seven samurai warriors who defend a small village from a horde of more than forty bandits. The film was remade as a 1960 Western, The Magnificent Seven.
    • A Fish Called Wanda (1988): This Oscar-winning comedy's rating got upped from 2½ to 3 stars in later editions of Maltin's guide. The story concers four people involved in a burglary who try to double-cross each other afterwards. Plenty of shenanigans.
    • Broadcast News (1987): Newsroom comedy/drama. Newscasters Tom Grunik (William Hurt) and Aaron Altman (Albert Brooks) and producer Jane Craig (Holly Hunter) find themselves in both a professional and a love triangle.
    • Witness (1985): Oscar-winning drama in which a policeman John Book (Harrison Ford) must protect an Amish boy (Lukas Haas) who has witnessed a murder. Along the way, he finds himself drawn romantically towards the boy's mother (Kelly McGillis). Amish shenanigans... all right, I'll stop that.
    • Diner (1982): Examines the lives of five young men in the 1950s who spend all their time hanging out together in a diner, doing their best to avoid growing up.
    • Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984): The boys only say that Laserblast is "better" than Temple of Doom; specifically, it gets 2 stars. This is the second of the Indiana Jones films (following the classic Raiders of the Lost Ark in 1981) and is definitely the least of the three. Concerning archaeologist Indiana Jones' (Harrison Ford) battle againt a Thugee cult in India, Temple of Doom is a darker, more violent film that lacks a lot of the fun present in the others in the series. Still, it's not a bad film, just not nearly as good as the others.
    • Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989): This third installment in the Indiana Jones series, however, is the best, as far as I'm concerned. It's a fun, wonderful, action-packed romp in which Jones and his father (played with good humour by Sean Connery) race against the Nazis to find the Holy Grail.
    • Blame it on the Bellboy (1992): Again, Mike kids about a rating, saying Maltin gives this 4 stars when it only got 2. Bronson Pinchot is the Bellboy is this farce in which three very different men check into a Venice hotel; hit-man Lawton (Bryan Brown), real estate agent Orton (Dudley Moore) and Horton (Richard Griffiths), a man expecting to meet someone from a dating service. Mix-ups ensue (hey, I didn't say shenanigans - lay off!) and the men end up at each others' appointments.
    • Amadeus (1984): Biographic film of 18th century composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (Tom Huke), told in flashback format by rival composer Antonio Salieri (F. Murray Abraham) from his cell in an insane asylum. Salieri knows that Mozart is a better composer than he is, but can't understand why God would give bestow that talent on such a vulgar person. The film won several Oscars, including one for, as Mike puts is, "F. Murray Abraham's tortured portrayal of Salieri."
    • Bagdad Cafe (1987): Also known as Out of Rosenheim, this German film tells the story of Jasmin (Marianne Sägebrecht), a woman who leaves her husband to stay at a truck-stop cafe. The story was remade into a short-lived television series, "Bagdad Cafe" (1990).
    • Harry and the Hendersons (1987): Family film about the Henderson family, who accidentally run down a Bigfoot (Kevin Peter Hall), whom they name Harry, and end up bringing him home to live with them. Inspired a TV show of the same name (1991-3).
    • The Heart is a Lonely Hunter (1968): Based on writer Carson McCuller's 1940 novel of the same name, Heart tells the story of John Singer (Alan Arkin), a deaf-mute, and how he affects the lives of those around him, especially his roommate Mick (Sondra Locke).
    • Marathon Man (1976): Starring Dustin Hoffman as Thomas Babington "Babe" Ley, an obsessive runner who gets caught up in a plot involving his goverment spy brother (Roy Scheider) and Dr. Christian Szell, "the White Angel," a Nazi war criminal in hiding (Laurence Olivier).
    • The Outlaw Josey Wales (1976): Clint Eastwood directed this Western film as well as starring as the titular outlaw. In the years after the American Civil War, farmer Josey Wales, having lost his family and home, joins up with a group of Confederate outlaws still fighting Union forces, despite the Confederate loss of the war.
    • Unforgiven (1992): Again, Eastwood starred and directed, this time also producing this critically-acclaimed Western, which won several Oscars, including Best Director and Best Picture. Eastwood plays retired gunslinger William Munny, who, in need of cash to support his family, takes on one more job. Maltin's guide eventually gave this gritty, realistic film a boost in rating, from 2½ to 3 stars.
    • Sophie's Choice: see above.
    • Willie Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971): Psychedelic family film based on Roald Dahl's 1964 children's novel Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Young Charlie Bucket (Peter Ostram), a good kid, and a gaggle of not-so-good kids, take a tour through the world famous candy factory of Willie Wonka (Gene Wilder). As of this writing, there are plans for a remake in 2005, directed by Tim Burton (which works for me).
    • The Great Santini (1979): Robert Duvall stars as career Marine and complete bastard Bull Meecham, the self-styled "great Santini," in a film based on Pat Conroy's 1976 novel of the same name. Based on Conroy's own life, the story centers on the great family tension that the Meecham's suffer.

Epilogue - Transformations

  • "Mr. Pure Country!...Mr. Pure Chewing Satisfaction!"
    • The 1992 film Pure Country starred George Straight as Dusty Chandler, a country music mega-star who gives it all up and tries to find his real country roots.
    • "Pure chewing satisfaction" has long been the slogan for Wrigley's Spearmint Gum.
  • "I may only be 99 and 44/100% pure." - Ads for Ivory brand soap have long insisted that it is "99 and 44/100% pure," referring to the soap's lack of heavy perfumes, creams and dyes.
  • The closing moments of this episode are a dead-on knock-off of the ending of Stanley Kubrick's 1968 SF epic 2001: A Space Odyssey. After travelling through a portal in a mysterious, huge, black monolith in orbit around Jupiter, astronaut Dave Bowman (Keir Dullea) has a bizarre vision. The close-up on the eye, the heavy breathing, the character witnessing himself age and eating dinner (complete with turning around, getting up and staring into the camera) are all straight out of the film. Bowman eventually ends up an extremely old man in bed, in a bedroom full of marble sculptures and the strange monolith, which he reaches his hand out towards. As he does so, he transforms into a glowing embryo and eventually a "Star-Child" (which we saw a variation on above). For a much more detailed description of this scene (and what the hell it means), check out the lower half of this page at filmsite.org.

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